Since my last post, things have gotten better with Romeo. Our relationship has continued to grow stronger, and Romeo has worked hard at his own growth as a partner. Several months ago, I told him about an attitude I try to embrace as a partner myself, which is that every day I try to give the one I love reasons to stay.
If I’m just existing in a partnership, or just benefitting from it without contributing, then I’m not giving them reasons to stay—and why should they? Partnerships should be about mutual giving, putting in the effort to show love and care to each other, and putting each other first. If I’m not doing that, then I’m not being the kind of partner I would want to have! So, I work on embodying that every day. And, I asked Romeo to do the same.
He took that to heart, and I can clearly see that he tries harder now to give me reasons to stay. Is every day great? No. There is still room for growth, and always will be.
As an example, his emotional volatility is still an issue I personally have a hard time with. When I am upset about something or just feeling down, I have never been the kind of person to take that out on others around me. Yes, when I’m pushed and already struggling, I do tend to blow up or melt down more easily. But as long as you treat me relatively kindly and gently, I am not going to make you miserable just because I am. Even if you are driving me bonkers, I still try to give a lot of grace despite my own feelings at the time.
Well, Romeo isn’t the same in that way. When he’s not feeling good, physically or emotionally, everyone around him is going to feel it too. And that is really hard on me as an empath. I pick up on his feelings even when he’s not spewing them all over the place. But when he’s really wallowing in it or being standoffish or snappy, it overwhelms me. I go beyond empathizing and begin to absorb it. It doesn’t feel good.
So, there’s that. There are still issues with control that are a recurring problem; but we are getting better and working through them more smoothly and effectively.
There’s also still the issue of me being a poly person in a monogamous relationship. I don’t think that this will ever not be an issue, to be honest. It wasn’t a one-time sacrifice for me. It’s a daily choice to give up something that is important to me, for the sake of my partner’s happiness. It’s a loss of a part of myself that I continue to grieve for and probably always will.
Sometimes, it flairs up more than other times. I will see, hear, or think about something that reminds me of someone I dated, or some aspect of polyamory that I miss, and it will throw me back into sadness over what I’ve given up. It can be hard to shake. And it’s even harder because I can’t really talk about it to anyone.
On occasion, I will mention it to Romeo if it’s really getting me down and he asks. But, I don’t want to harp on it with him. Not only does it not change anything, but I don’t want to make him feel bad or guilty. I made my choice, and it doesn’t seem fair to keep reminding him of how painful it is.
Other than Romeo, who would I talk to about it? The few people who know about my experience are usually on one side of the fence or the other—I shouldn’t be with Romeo if this is such a big deal to me, or I should basically get over it because this is what I chose. Nobody really understands that I can be committed to my choice, and not regretful of it, and yet still sad about it. Nobody just affirms that sadness for me, which is what I really need. (And, even if Romeo were to do that, it would just feel like twisting the knife in a way, so I don’t look for that from him.)
But the truth is, I don’t regret my choice. I don’t believe that there was a better one. I want to be with Romeo, and I love him and our life together. I don’t want to lose that, ever. I would make the same choice again and again, because this is who I want as my partner forever.
Nobody is perfect, but as I said, Romeo has been giving me reasons to stay.
He shows me so much appreciation, for the little and big things I do. He makes me feel incredibly loved, valued, and treasured. He does sweet things to make me smile and help me feel better when I’m not doing great. He helps me in practical ways, as a co-parent and nesting partner. He makes me feel like I really am the most beautiful person he’s ever laid eyes on, and that nothing I could do would make me any less attractive to him.
It’s not only the things he does that make me want to stay, but who he is. He’s an amazing provider for our family, and I never worry that we won’t be alright in that way because he’s so skilled, smart, and resourceful. (And, if he couldn’t provide financially then I know we would find a way to make things work, together.) I adore so many things about him that might seem unremarkable to others, but to me they are adorable because they are what makes him him. I find him incredibly attractive and love that our desire for each other is still so strong. His arms are where I feel safe, happy, and at peace.
So, as we approach our baby’s birth coming up in the next month, I can say that things are definitely better than they were a few months ago. We are more of a team now, and I feel like he is treating me as a partner should. I have no hesitations about marrying him and continuing to build our life together. I believe in our future—in our forever.
I’ve also learned that while being given reasons to stay is important, and necessary for a healthy partnership, there is also the other side of the coin to consider—which is that staying is ultimately a choice and a commitment. I could have stayed with my ex-husband, and I believe that I could have found happiness with him again. Even though we had made a commitment to stay with each other forever, we both ended up making a different choice. At the time, it felt like the best choice for both of us, and we both made it willingly. It wasn’t for lack of reasons to stay that I left, it was simply a choice. And it wasn’t for lack of reasons to fight for me that he chose not to; that, too, was simply a choice.
Those choices have led me here, to Romeo. And this time, I want to choose to stay. Even if there are times when Romeo gives me less reasons to stay; even when he gives me reasons to leave. I want to stay, anyway. I don’t want to throw away our commitment to each other when things get hard, or when I think there could be something “better” for me. Better can be what you make it, and I want to make us better every day.
I choose him and I am committed to him, and I know that I can find happiness with him even when things are far from perfect. Imperfection is life, and I can’t control life. But I can control my own choices. As they say, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, but it is greener where you water it. So I’m going to grow a green-ass garden right where I am, with the person I have found and love, my Romeo.