This is a story of heartache.

Ugh, guys. UGH.

This is a weird post to write because it’s about a current partner, my boyfriend Chase, and as the title suggests it’s not really a happy post. I really haven’t written much about struggles in current relationships before— only after the fact. So this is somewhat uncomfy, but I think that writing it is important because the things that I’m struggling with are part of the complexity of polyamory. (And for the record, I have talked to Chase about this stuff already!)

Before I get into the “ugh” part, I need to provide some context. 

One of the things that has been changing about me and my approach to poly in the last few months is that I’ve come to realize that hierarchical polyamory isn’t what I want anymore. 

Hierarchical poly means that a person’s partners are essentially ranked in terms of importance and significance in their life. It means that the person has a “main” partner who is called their primary; usually this is their spouse and/or nesting partner (a partner they live with). Other partners for that person are considered “secondary.” It singles out one relationship as the top priority, the one that’s more special and serious and probably more permanent than the others. 

I used to practice this form of poly. I first started practicing ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamy) when I was married to my ex-husband, Carter. We were clear about being each other’s primary partners from the beginning. For us that meant that we wanted our life to remain centered on our relationship and our family, and any new relationships would be a bonus. We gave each other a lot of power over our individual choices, because we were focused on staying united as a team.

When I met Romeo, the hierarchy with Carter started to feel stifling. I wanted more with Romeo than I had wanted with any poly partners before him, and it was incredibly difficult to feel that we had to force our relationship to fit into a small box instead of growing freely. Eventually, my marriage fell apart, partially because I couldn’t keep my relationship with Romeo contained anymore. I wanted to live with Romeo and raise our kids together, and Carter wasn’t open to inviting Romeo into those parts of our lives. 

In my relationship with Romeo, we have also considered ourselves hierarchical during our polyamorous seasons, up until now. Ironically, with Romeo this dynamic felt even more stifling because he didn’t really want to be poly with me— he wanted (still wants) me all to himself. It’s incredibly sweet and humbling. But, it’s also very challenging because being poly is part of who I am, and I can’t live my life to its fullest without practicing ENM. Romeo supports me in that, and participates in ENM relationships himself, but his ideal is still monogamish (mostly monogamous, with some threesomes or swapping every once in a while). 

In the past few months, I’ve started to discover more about what I truly want and need as an individual. I’ve realized that, because of my history of codependence, I need to feel completely in charge of my own life to be happy. I don’t want to give anyone else the power to decide what I can and can’t do. I also realized that my nature doesn’t allow me to treat any one of my partners as more important than another. Yes, I allocate my time differently with each partner, but that’s based on things such as our lifestyles, proximity, individual needs, and the dynamics of our relationship. I don’t view one partner’s needs as more important than another’s. I try to meet all of my partners’ needs within our relationship to the best of my ability. It’s not easy, by any means!

For me, what I’ve ultimately realized is that I need to be my own primary partner. I need to have the independence to make decisions for myself and take up my own space. My partners, and especially my husband, get various amounts of input into my decisions; but ultimately, my choices are my own. I’m also working hard to reprogram myself away from people-pleasing and actually give a fuck about myself. In so many ways I’m trying to make my life my own, to be my own person, and to take care of myself as well as I try to take care of everybody else. 

Hierarchical poly isn’t what resonates with me anymore, and for me that has felt very freeing. Unfortunately, it has been a painful shift for Romeo, and something that we are trying to work through. 

The reason I bring this up, though, is that my boyfriend Chase is hierarchically polyamorous. He and his wife Lila are each other’s constant, and that is so beautiful. I love that for them, truly. 

But what has been hard recently is the growing understanding that Chase will take a step back from us when he feels that Lila needs more from him. It makes sense, and I don’t fault him for prioritizing her. This is the dynamic of our relationship, and I knew that from the start. But knowing that doesn’t change how it feels. It feels insecure. Something could and may happen with Lila at any time that would instantly change or end our relationship. That is a hard truth to face. 

One reason that I think this is so hard for me is that it’s different than my other partnerships. No matter what happens between Benny and Clementine, I know that he would not leave me. Our love is forever, and doesn’t depend on anything outside of the two of us. I feel the same way about Audrey and her husband Emmett; she has expressed to me that she doesn’t subscribe to hierarchical poly either, and that our relationship is just as important to her as any of her others. Even though I don’t consider Romeo my primary partner anymore (because nobody is!), I’m still committed to doing everything in my power to be in a healthy and happy relationship with him for the rest of our lives. 

I’ve been coming to terms with the understanding that Chase isn’t committed to me in the same way my other partners are, and I could lose him much more easily. I think that on some level, my intuition has been telling me from the start not to let myself fall completely in love with him, because I knew that he couldn’t love me back to the same degree. He’s always been honest with me, and the way that our relationship started and has progressed has never led me to believe that I had his heart in the way that I wished I could. 

Last week, I had a really hard night when some of the time we’d planned to have together had to change—for very valid reasons of him needing to be there for Lila during a challenging time. I wasn’t upset with him (and certainly not with Lila); I was just sad. I missed him, and it was hard to not be able to have that time with him. He’s honestly like a happy pill for me, and missing a dose just straight-up feels like shit. 

I had a good cry, and I wrote him a letter about how I was feeling. I reassured him that I completely understood and supported him taking care of his wife, but I also asked for reassurance that I would get to see him again soon, and most importantly that he still loved me. He responded and he gave me those reassurances; but instead of feeling better, my heart snagged on some of the other words he said. He reminded me that our feelings for each other are different, which we’ve talked about before, and that things would be hard at times because of that. He was kind and loving as always, but there just isn’t any good way to remind someone that you don’t love them as much as they love you. So yeah, it hurt. 

After that, I wasn’t completely sure what to expect on our next date. Would he be noticeably more distant? Would he be emotionally drained by my neediness? Would he tell me that we needed to see each other less, or that he didn’t think we should be together anymore because I was getting hurt? 

Fortunately, none of those things happened and we had a good date. We had a solid and reassuring conversation, and lots of car kisses and cuddles. He said that he didn’t want to see me less, and that he still wants to be with me in the same capacity. Those things were nice to hear. But I also told him that I was trying to come to terms with the reality that I needed to try to step back a little bit emotionally. And when I said that, he said he thought that was probably for the best. Which… considering he was just agreeing with me, shouldn’t have hurt to hear. But it felt like confirmation that he wanted me to step back—that he, essentially, wants me to love him less. 

Logically, I know that he really shouldn’t be the focus of my infatuation anymore, for my own well-being. But his agreement with that felt like he was saying he doesn’t like how into him I am. I know (I know!) that isn’t what he was saying. I know his concern is only about how to keep me from being hurt. I have no reason to believe that he doesn’t like or want my love and affection. It’s just hard sometimes to quiet the little voice in my head telling me that I’m unwanted; and when someone seems relieved that I’m trying to feel less for them, it only amplifies that voice.   

Since then, things have continued to be consistent and positive between us. Some days, I have felt like I was at peace with our relationship. Other days, I have felt that any attempts to turn down the volume on my feelings for him are useless. I can’t control my heart, regardless of what my mind tells me is best for me. Where I’m at right now is somewhere in the realm of appreciation for what we have, mixed with sad acceptance of what we don’t. I’m working on letting go of all the things I wish I could have had with him, but know I never will. 

Chase is still a wonderful boyfriend. He gives me plenty of reassurance that he’s not going anywhere, and that he wants to keep what we have. He’s a loving, affectionate, communicative, kind, and thoughtful partner— and I will take whatever he is able to give me and treasure it for as long as I can. 

As part of my “letting go” process, I decided to go back on my favorite dating app to see if I could find someone who I can be obsessed with and who will be just as obsessed with me. I want that “can’t get enough of you” feeling on both sides! Getting butterflies is something I enjoy very much, and I have a strong drive to pursue that in my poly life. A big part of my attraction, and getting those butterflies, comes from discovering how the other person feels about me. When I like someone and feel attracted to them, and they’re not shy about complimenting me, and they flirt, and they go out of their way to text me throughout the day—all of that makes my feelings even stronger. I like being pursued! 

Side note: with Chase, it felt like I had to do most of the pursuing. Once we had our first date, he was good about initiating physical affection (and he’s still very good at that!), and as I’ve said many times he is an excellent boyfriend. But you know how Chappell Roan sings “call me hot not pretty!” in her song “Hot To Go”? Well… for Chase I would probably say something like “call me beautiful, not cute!”. Don’t get me wrong! I like being called cute, but not exclusively. I want my partner to see me as cute, and beautiful, and pretty, and sexy, and hot, and all of the things! I don’t want to wonder how into me they are. I think with Chase, some of those factors have also caused me to hold back instead of opening the floodgates of my feelings completely. I want to find someone who can handle me throwing open those floodgates and enthusiastically wants to dive in with me. 

On that note, I know I’m extremely privileged in my ability to attract potential partners online. I don’t believe that it’s anything in particular about me— just the fact that I’m a woman gives me an exponential advantage. Because of that, it didn’t take long for me to meet a few people who I’m already excited about. That has been helping to lessen my sad feelings about Chase by providing some fun distractions. If I am able to find someone who I can fall in love with, and who will fall in love with me right back, then that would be amazing. As busy as I already am, I can always make room for more love. They don’t call me the Energizer Bunny for nothing! (Okay, nobody calls me that… but they could.)

My first attempt at what I will now be calling “Project Butterflies” was with a guy I’ll be calling Casey. From the start, he’s been a walking green flag. He’s communicative, and honest, and flirty, and complimentary, and he’s also SUPER cute and sexy. We had amazing chemistry over text and on the phone before we met, and on our date we confirmed that our physical chemistry was just as strong. He sounds amazing, right?! Well, he is. 

But… and here’s where the second UGH comes in… he’s not really emotionally available right now. That’s something he realized after we started talking, and was very honest about it with me as soon as he realized it. He gave me an out from the date we’d already planned, but I told him I still wanted to meet him and that I accepted his terms and conditions (which were basically that he doesn’t feel able to have a relationship at this time.) I decided it was worth it to see what he was like in person, and told myself that I wouldn’t catch any feelings. 

Well, joke’s on me because my emotional shield cracked very quickly and I haven’t been able to stop myself from thinking about him. Is it just my fate to fall in love with guys who aren’t able to love me back (either in the same way, or at all)? 

Against my better judgement and the well-being of my stupid stupid heart, I’m planning on continuing to see him as long as he wants to, regardless of what he can offer me emotionally. Yes, it’s dumb. No, I don’t care. Yes, it’s a recipe for disaster. No, I’m not going to save myself. 

Heartbreak is one thing I have become pretty familiar with in my life. Heartache is newer. To me, heartbreak is when your heart is shattered because you lost a relationship you really cared about. But heartache isn’t so clean-cut. There aren’t pieces to pick up and put back together. Your heart is just… aching. Not broken, but not at peace. Not healing, but in a constant state of pain. Sounds like a blast, amiright?

But heartache or no, I love love, and I’m not throwing away anything that brings me those feelings, even if it comes with a side of pain. In fact, I’m really starting to believe that what they say is true; love is pain. And it hurts soooo good.