This is the story of my first poly dating experience.

Very shortly after beginning my poly journey, I met a few guys on a dating app and scheduled my first dates.

The very first date I went on was with a really sweet guy, Joey. He was married and polyamorous, and was a dad to a young child. Having marriage and parenthood in common has been something I’ve appreciated in guys I’ve dated since then, and Joey was the first.

Joey and I had our first date at a restaurant, and then enjoyed a nice walk around the town, got ice cream, and sat and talked in the park. I felt comfortable with him from the start, and really enjoyed our conversation. At the end of the date, he semi-awkwardly took my hand and held it as we walked to my car. It was very sweet, actually, and I found it charming. When we got to my car, we kissed for a few minutes and then said goodbye for the night.

My first “first kiss” in over a decade was a milestone I was excited to reach. Unfortunately, even though I liked everything about Joey and found him very attractive, I didn’t feel any spark when I kissed him. Going home from my date, I was happy with how it went but also slightly disappointed that I didn’t feel more excited. I hoped that the next time I saw him, I would feel more of that “fire” I was looking for.

The next day, after processing our date while I slept, I was able to recognize that I was catching some feelings for him. I felt more optimistic that the chemistry between us would potentially ignite in the near future.

We ended up having our second date just two days later. For that one, we went to a roller rink. It was a lot of fun, and we also had time to sit and talk, play some arcade games, and end the date with making out in the car. Joey was always a very pleasant blend of respectful, yet complimentary and flirty. I felt desired, but not threatened when I was around him. We were able to talk, laugh, and spend time together easily.

Unfortunately, by the end of that date, I still wasn’t feeling any sparks with him. I enjoyed being around him, and even enjoyed kissing him, but there was something missing for me. It wasn’t enough for me to want to stop seeing him, but I continued making plans with other guys as well, hoping that I would find something more.

The next day, my predicament took care of itself. Joey sent me a very kind message letting me know that unfortunately, he wasn’t going to be able to continue to see me because he had too much going on in his life at the time. I had nothing but kind things to say back to him, as he had been a perfect gentleman. We parted ways on friendly terms, and I found myself surprisingly relieved.

And that’s the whole story there! Joey was a great introduction to poly dating, because it was a positive experience all around, and I learned that there is something ineffable that I am looking for when it comes to a secondary or tertiary partner. Initial attraction, compatible goals, our rapport over text, our ability to schedule a date, and how comfortable I feel around them when we meet are all very important to me. But there is one more ingredient that simply cannot be manufactured if it really isn’t there—sexual chemistry.

In my dates since Joey, I have found a wide range of sexual chemistry with different guys. I’ve dated guys who I felt lukewarm with, and guys who I’ve felt absolutely on fire with, and it’s anyone’s guess as to where a guy will land on that spectrum for me before we actually meet. For me, that’s been all part of the thrill of exploring lots of new flavors. 😊