This is the story of the one who got away.

Story time is back! For a one-time special event, that is. I have one more story to tell, from the very end of my poly journey.

As I explained in my last blog post, I have chosen to commit to a monogamous relationship with my partner, Romeo. Even though we met through polyamory, and he was poly for years before he met me, he is no longer comfortable with that lifestyle for himself. It isn’t what he wants, and considering that he is what I want most, that means that I will no longer have a poly lifestyle. We’ve been effectively monogamous for the past 10+ months anyway, so nothing is really changing except that we’re closing the door on that chapter definitively.

But the path to come to this decision was nowhere near smooth or easy. We broke up and got back together four times in the process of figuring this all out. It was traumatic, and heart-wrenching, and stressful, and terrible. The rollercoaster of our relationship has been unpleasant and dramatic, but where we have landed is a place where I can say that I am truly happy and fulfilled. I did have to sacrifice something that was important to me, something that I wanted very much—but what I get instead is so worth it. I get a life and a future with my Romeo, my soul-mate, the husband of my heart, future father of my child, life partner, and eternal flame. He is so much to me, and though I will probably always wish that I didn’t have to make that choice, I don’t regret the path I have chosen.

Anyway, the final story that I have to tell is the story of the one who got away—the last person I dated before finally deciding to be permanently monogamous.

I wrote a little bit about Jonathan in my last post. (Sidenote: I always use pseudonyms. Originally I called him Jaylen which I felt didn’t fit quite right, so now… he’s Jonathan). He was someone who I connected with early on in my brief return to poly, and who I felt a good connection and rapport with quickly, but we weren’t able to meet up due to scheduling conflicts. Then, things started going south with my poly situation with Romeo, and unfortunately Jonathan got pulled into the drama in some ways. He was the one whom I kept pushing Romeo to still accept me dating, because I felt really good about him. He was also extremely understanding, supportive, insightful, and kind throughout all of my dramatic ups and downs.

Well, when it first became a choice between Romeo and poly, I chose Romeo but I struggled to let go of my thoughts and feelings about Jonathan. After a few days, things were a little calmer, and I asked Romeo if he would consider accepting Jonathan as a “Friend with Benefits” in my life. I was hopeful that having such a strict limit to the “poly” aspect of my life would be more palatable for him. He wasn’t happy about it—at all—but he reluctantly agreed to support me doing “whatever I needed to do.”

I planned a date with Jonathan and then cancelled it and then rescheduled it for the same day, again because of scheduling conflicts—which probably didn’t help Romeo’s anxiety about the whole thing. But in the end, we did get a chance to meet.

We met up at a coffee shop across from where I live, but he said that he didn’t really drink coffee, so when he got there we decided to walk over to a smoothie place instead. I had a few minutes to wait before he got there, and I was super nervous. It was my first “first date” in about a year, and I never really had that many to begin with!

When he got there, I recognized him right away. He got out of the car and walked over. We hugged, and I giggled. I did a lot of giggling that night, as I do when I’m nervous and crushing on someone. He commented on how tiny I am, as most guys I’ve dated tend to do because yeah… I’m tiny. Also like most guys I’ve dated, he didn’t think it was a bad thing at all. Which is good because I’m pretty much stuck at this size.

Anyway, we walked to the smoothie place and went in and ordered. We went outside to sit down and talk. He asked me questions about myself, and asked if he could sit closer to me, which I of course said yes to. He was very sweet and respectful, and had an inviting personality that made me feel safe and comfortable. The nerves at that point were more about what the rest of the night would include, and I was eagerly anticipating getting to know him on a physical level. We’d already spent a lot of time texting (over a month by that point), and a good amount of time sexting as well. The sexual chemistry was there, and we were excited to finally get a chance to explore it in person.

After a little while, we went to his car and drove closer to my place, where we parked on the street. We spent some time making out in the backseat, my favorite first date activity. Everything he did was excellent, and I enjoyed that time with him. I know he enjoyed me as well.

When we were ready to get out of the car, we went for a walk around my apartment complex. Then we sat down in the patio area by the pool and talked and made out a little more. Finally, it was time for me to go home, so we said goodbye.

I left that date feeling so good and happy. I felt excited about having more time with Jonathan in the near future. I didn’t think at the time that that would be the last time I would see him.

Unfortunately, when I got back home, Romeo was in a bad place. We spent a lot of time that night talking and crying and struggling with what to do. In the morning, Romeo decided that we couldn’t work, because we were incompatible and wanted different things. He decided that there was no way for me to be “just a little” poly—that it had to be all or nothing. And he didn’t want to be with me if I was poly. At that point, I accepted it, and we decided to break up. We had a very practical discussion about what we would need to do to make the transition. We were both emotional, but at that point there was a numbness that set in as well.

I said goodbye, and left. But it was only a couple hours later that I realized that losing Romeo, and all of that pain and heartbreak, wasn’t worth being poly to me. I love our life together and the plans we have for our future. So, I told him I would commit to being monogamous with him, and we got back together.

There was a lot of hurt and emotional trauma that I had to move past, but we’ve been doing so much better since that day. We’ve been seeing a couple’s therapist, who has helped us a lot already. We are reestablishing trust and falling even deeper in love with each other every day now.

While I am now fully committed to the path that I have chosen—to be monogamous with Romeo—it is still hard at times. I still think about Jonathan and wish that I could have kept seeing him. Out of all of the guys I have met in my poly journey, he is one of the best. By “best” I mean that he’s mature, kind, fun to talk to, reliable, very comfortable to be around… and we also have a very high level of mutual attraction and chemistry. It is hard to let go of a relationship with that much promise.

One thing I know about myself, though, is that I can do hard things. I can recover from loss. I can find happiness even in imperfect situations. I can choose to love and forgive and show up for people, even when it’s hard.

I am choosing Romeo and that is something I know is the right choice for me. But Jonathan will still always be the one who got away.