This is a story of Jekyll and Hyde.

*Disclaimer: I am usually fairly discreet about explicit details, but I am more descriptive in this post. If you can’t handle that, I suggest you don’t read it!

I recently had a very interesting night. It definitely will be remembered as one of my sluttiest nights, but it wasn’t all fun and games. By the time we went to bed, it was past 5 AM and that’s always a clear indicator that some shit went down.

It all started when I decided to give myself a field day and login to my usual dating app to see what connections could be made. Typically, I do this any time I’m craving something new or feeling dissatisfied with current connections. In this case, we have two satisfying connections: one with our polycule couple Jace and Kiley, and the other with our single poly guy, Richard. (At this point I would probably count him as part of our polycule as well.) 

What I want more of is passion and consistency. Jace and Kiley are wonderful; they are emotionally safe, consistent, fun, and sexy. I love them, if we’re being candid. The sex is amazing with them, and in fact last night Jace achieved something only previously achieved by men I was married to (in other words, my ex-husband and Romeo), which is to give me an orgasm. So I truly have no complaints about them. I just also want a connection that gives me butterflies, that sought-after NRE, and the earth-shattering satisfaction of when emotional connection and toe-curling desire come together (pun intended) with sexual chemistry and physical connection. 

Richard has many similar traits as far as how I feel about him, except that we haven’t spent nearly as much time with him yet. He is less consistent because of busy schedules, but that doesn’t bother me because he never leaves me wondering how much he wants to see us and spend time with us. 

So anyway, I decided to peruse the dating app a few days ago, because I still want something more. Especially lately, since my feelings for Oliver have started to take over my mind a little bit, I felt that I needed a distraction. If you don’t know who Oliver is, check out the very end of my last post. 😉

As per usual, it didn’t take long for me to make a handful of connections. This isn’t a brag, it’s just the way it is. I ended up with four men I was talking to at the end of the day, and three more that connected with me after I logged off (which I responded to the next morning). Of those four from the first day, two have been disqualified, one has made plans to meet us but not until next month, and one is a keeper. Of the three from the next morning, it still has yet to be determined, but I feel tentatively excited about one of them. 

But anyway, this post is focused on one of the disqualified individuals, who I’ll call Cayden. He has been disqualified based on our experience meeting him and the naughty events that followed. 

Cayden caught my eye immediately because he is SO. FUCKING. CUTE. Like, his face gives me butterflies. His personality from chatting all day and then when we met and had a nice long conversation by the fire, was adorable and sweet. I was excited to discover what sexual chemistry we might have. 

Since he wasn’t able to provide proof of his latest STI panel, we decided to limit ourselves to a “soft” threesome. That’s what I call it when there’s no P-in-V sex; and oral is almost always off the table, even with our “full access” play partners. So essentially, a soft threesome means making out, getting naked, touching each other, hand stuff, and most likely the third person watching Romeo and I do what we like to do best. 

Sometimes our encounters can involve kinky things like bondage or light impact play. The translation for those who may not be versed in BDSM terminology is: sometimes we will use restraints and/or blindfolds, as well as some implements for spanking such as a paddle. If those elements are included, we require a high level of emotional and physical safety established through open discussion beforehand. 

There also may be elements of dominance and submission in our encounters, in which one or two people take on the role of running the show, so to speak, and the other(s) are in a more passive role. But for us, any sort of D/S dynamics are a light-hearted addition to our sexual playtime. We don’t like to make any BDSM elements the “main event,” so to speak. More important to us is enjoying the feelings of connection, care, love, and yes, pleasure. Everything else is secondary, and we can take it or leave it. 

Now, when we were discussing potentially meeting that night, we started to banter a little bit in a dom/sub manner. For the record, I identify as a power sub brat, which for me means that I like to be directed and told what to do, but I do not like to feel that I am not in control. If at any time I do feel that another person is pushing a boundary, or not putting my comfort first, I will become defiant. As a “brat” I use playful defiance and/or teasing to reestablish my control in the encounter. If the other person were to continue to try to overpower my brattiness in a way that is not respectful, that would result in an end to our playtime. There is a difference between a “brat tamer” (which I like) and a disrespectful Dom. 

Also for the record, the internet and BDSM community can be very opinionated and many will say that there’s no such thing as a power sub. But to that I say… fuck off, ya know? I can call myself whatever I want to, and whatever feels authentic to me to describe my sexual complexities. 

So back to the story. Cayden and Romeo and I were bantering, and he was trying to establish himself as the dom in our interaction. But the thing is, Romeo doesn’t sub. He was pretty quiet in the chat, just kind of watching things unfold, and I was playing along at first. But it reached the point where Cayden did cross the line into being too dominating in a way that didn’t feel respectful. He started saying dom-like things involving Romeo and playing with degradation, and I paused our playful banter to let him know that I do not like being degraded. He acknowledged that, and we ended up leaving it there until he came over. 

We spent some time talking and getting to know each other. He was fun to talk to and the vibe felt great. After a little while, we decided to go inside and get naked. At first, it seemed to be going well. We were having a good time and Romeo took the lead as usual, which in this case meant we were making Cayden the center of attention. Romeo is a pleasure Dom, which means he likes to be in control during sexual encounters, but his focus is on making the other person or people feel good. 

Things were going great, until all of a sudden… our Dr. Jekyll turned into Mr. Hyde. His voice shifted into a sultry growl and he started elaborately degrading us. He was telling me what to do to Romeo and how to do it–and how he wanted me to do it was in a way that would make me physically uncomfortable. Specifically, he said things like: “Suck that cock until you gag and tears start running down your face.” Um, hello? No. 

We tried to ignore it, because we’re people-pleasers. Yes, this is our fatal flaw. But after a few minutes I decided to try to playfully hint to him that this kind of talk wasn’t desired. I pulled out our ball gag, which admittedly we’ve never actually used before, and told him that if he couldn’t say anything nice, maybe he shouldn’t say anything at all. He seemed excited about the prospect, so we asked if we could use it on him. He enthusiastically consented. At least while he was gagged, we had some peace. But of course, it couldn’t stay on forever and as soon as we took it off, he was right back at it. 

After the night ended and we said goodnight, we talked about how we felt about the experience, as we always do. The more we processed it, the more we both realized how disrespected we felt. It comes down to this: I gave him a clear sexual boundary, and he crossed it knowingly and repeatedly. There is no reason why I should give anyone a “second chance” after that. It doesn’t make me mean to be selective about sexual partners and to firmly reject anyone who makes or made me feel uncomfortable. Yes, these are affirmations for myself because I really do feel mean when I reject people, no matter how kindly I do it and how deserved it is. 

The next day I let him know what we felt about the experience. He apologized and said he would not do it again. I was still unsure about giving him a second chance, but after talking to Romeo, it was clear that we needed to move on. I told him we weren’t going to continue, and he accepted that politely. 

Overall, I wouldn’t say that Cayden was a bad person or even a disrespectful person. He seems to be a very sweet person, in fact. I don’t think that he intended to disrespect our boundaries, necessarily. It seemed more like he just didn’t know how else to act– as if he didn’t know how to have sex without that aspect. It was exciting for him, and he couldn’t (or chose not to) see beyond his own desires in the moment. I hope this was a learning experience for him and that he can grow from it going forward. 

As for us, we have learned some good lessons as well. We need to be better about using our “green light,” “yellow light,” “red light,” system. That means that when things are enjoyable, we’re in the “green light” zone. But any time things start to get uncomfortable, we need to communicate that to our partner(s) by using our pre-established safe words. “Yellow light” means to slow down or decrease the intensity, and “red light” means to stop (obvi). We had many opportunities to give Cayden a yellow light, but we didn’t, and that could have made a very big difference in the experience. 

We also discovered some new things we’d like to add to our informational PDF that we give to potential play partners. Yes, there’s a PDF. We’re professional sluts like that. We want to add a page about things we don’t like and our deal breakers, for instance, as well as a page dedicated to BDSM topics. 

After Cayden left last night, we were feeling unsatisfied with our night, to say the least. We hadn’t had time to process the fact that we were both triggered by Cayden’s degradation due to our past traumas. Instead of going to bed like we should have, Romeo joked about inviting over one of the other guys I’d been talking to earlier, and well… I ran with it. As it turned out, the guy, who I’ll call Atlas, was ready and able to match our freak. He came over around 2 AM for some Mario Kart and adult activities. 

Occasionally, we’ll meet someone who is able to establish a rapport very quickly, as well as rapidly check our safety and boundaries boxes. Atlas was one of those. And while intiving another new person over to have sex immediately after having a somewhat negative sexual experience with a different new person may not have been the wisest decision for our emotional and mental health at that moment, it was a gamble that paid off very positively in this case. 

From the moment Atlas stepped through the door, the energy was excellent. Over text and in person, he is the perfect combination of respectful and flirty. He’s communicative, understands consent and boundaries, and holy mother of Moses is he good with his hands. He’s super cute, and a great kisser too, which I have found to be somewhat rare. The cherry on top is that he has a rockin’ body; literally my exact favorite body type which makes me want to explore every part of it with my hands and mouth. FUCK, just thinking about it is turning me on.

So anyway…

Atlas is great. I am so happy I connected with him and cannot wait to see him again. Long story short: that night was long and at times highly unpleasant, but at least it had a fantastic ending.