A few days ago I posted about a new guy I was excited about, who I called Tucker. I was excited because he seemed really awesome, but I was also very hesitant to trust it before I had more evidence to support that trust. As it turns out, that was a good instinct.
After our day of chatting and sending video messages back and forth for hours, I didn’t hear from him again. I sent him a message that night, and then again the next morning. Nothing. Finally, I sent him one more message asking if he still wanted to meet up that day, since we’d tentatively planned to. At last he replied with a vague response, saying that he couldn’t meet up because “something came up.”
Being the kind-hearted person I am, I wanted to believe he had a valid reason. But in my mind, I knew that it was most likely nothing but a messed up game he’d been playing with me. I gave up on the idea that he was the person he said he was.
Today, I reached out again to just ask him straightforwardly if he had been fucking with me when we were talking the other day. He responded, to my surprise, and confessed that he’s going through a personal crisis (and has been for a long time), and that it isn’t a good idea to date him. I was glad to have closure, although I don’t know how much I believe his explanation. I advised him to get off of the dating apps and focus on himself, so that he wouldn’t hurt anybody else in this way. That was the end of our conversation and I don’t expect to hear from him ever again.
Giving him the benefit of the doubt, let’s say that his reason isn’t a lie. In that case, he shouldn’t have been on Feeld or dating at all, and he certainly shouldn’t have connected with me, messaged me, sent me video messages for hours, and given me every reason to believe that he was a genuine guy who was ready and eager to date me.
If he’s lying, which I’m inclined to believe that he is, then the simplest conclusion is that he’s a sociopath who enjoys hurting people for fun. I suspected that it was a mindfuck, and I was right. Whether or not his intention was to hurt me, he knowingly used psychological manipulation to create an extremely confusing and disturbing experience for me. At best, he left out incredibly relevant information knowing that there was no good outcome. At worst, it was a game to him the whole time.
Tucker, darling, you can go fuck off and die.
In other news, Atlas “broke up” with us, if you can even call it that. After the one time we hung out, he became extremely unresponsive. I even asked him if he was no longer interested–I gave him an out! But he said he was still very interested. Until last night, when he texted us and informed us that he met someone who wants to be monogamous and is no longer interested in continuing any kind of relationship with us.
Am I pissed that I gave such a badass nickname to such a lame guy? Absolutely. But what’s worse is the feeling of regret that I ever met him at all. As slutty as I am, I have never regretted having sex with anyone… until now. I wish I hadn’t, because it was a total waste of everything. It was a waste of the safety risk (because sex can be safer but never completely safe). It was a waste of my emotional energy. It was a waste of my time and my physical energy. It was a waste of words to even write his story.
Also moving to the archive are Josie & Woods, Hayden & Liana, SailorMoon & Javier, Jax, and Joel. Josie & Woods have faded away, which was for the best because the sexual energy was off for me. Hayden & Liana have not cared to reschedule since we had to cancel our plans to meet due to illness. SailorMoon & Javier are not the right energy for us, and our connection was pretty weak and has now fizzled. Jax and Joel both ghosted.
From my “J” phase, I only have Jaime left and we’re planning to meet him tomorrow. He has been consistently wonderful, and I’m hoping that in person we have good chemistry and can progress things from there.
We did get to spend more time with Wilbur finally, and it was a nice time. But the thing is, I don’t know how excited I can really feel about a “nice time.” It’s nothing against him whatsoever; I just feel an unfortunate lack of chemistry.
After all the recent events, I am feeling rather down about poly as you can imagine. I decided that while things are falling apart, I may as well cut off the other dead branches. Romeo and I talked and decided that Eli and Kacey weren’t going to ever be what we wanted because they’re not in the same place as us as far as how deep and consistent they wanted our relationship to be. I gently ended things with them, and Eli sent a very kind and understanding response back.
Right now, I’m feeling hopeless once again about finding what I want from polyamory. The more beat up my heart gets, the less it is able to open up and trust again. I don’t really know where to go from here, except to just keep moving forward.