Since my last post, things have changed significantly for me yet again. Fortunately, this time instead of having my heart broken or my mind fucked with or my trust eroded, something really good has happened in my poly journey. And despite all of my hesitation and doubt, this time I know in my heart that it’s real.
There’s a saying that goes something like “you only find love when you stop looking for it.” I even thought that to myself when I wrote my last post. I wrote that I was giving up on my search for the specific relationship I was seeking. And I thought it would be funny if somehow, as soon as I said I was giving up, the right person would come along. As it turns out, that is exactly what happened.
Before I get into that, I have an update on my relationship with Benny. We’re still very close, and we’re still flirty besties who have crushes on each other and more than that, we love each other. But, he isn’t my boyfriend. For personal reasons, we aren’t using that label– and that’s okay with me. Our relationship hasn’t lost anything, and that’s what matters. If one day our connection can manifest into a physically romantic relationship, then we’d both be happy about that. For now, though, we are continuing to enjoy our long-distance emotionally intimate connection for what it is. To be honest, the sense of unsatisfied longing we have for each other is in some ways enhancing our connection even more. People tend to want what they don’t or can’t have, amiright? I’m finding that we both seem to be wanting each other more and more lately, and that can be pretty fun.
Things with Gerry and Nadine are also continuing to go well. We’re settling into a comfortable rhythm, and I believe we will continue to be in each other’s lives for the foreseeable future. I hope that we will all continue to enjoy each other in the variety of dynamics that we have within our quad. I would love to be able to continue to grow with them as a polycule for a very long time, and preferably for the rest of our lives. That’s the dream!
Now, let’s talk about this new mystery guy I’ve alluded to.
You may remember in my last post I said that I still had a few open conversations going, which were connections from before I quit the dating app. Well, as I said, I didn’t have much hope that they would become anything serious. But now I can tell you that I have never been so happy to be dead wrong.
One of the guys I was talking to at that time was a guy whom I’ll call Jefferson.
Jefferson started out just fine, but somewhat unremarkably. There were absolutely no red flags or anything that would make me think he was bad news. However, I wasn’t sure if there was any chemistry or if we had enough in common. Still, I wanted to give it a chance because that’s what I do. I keep my heart open.
As the days and weeks went by, we started to talk more and more, and it was almost entirely because of the effort he continuously put into making that happen. He initiated conversations, asked me questions about myself, and started texting me “good morning beautiful” every single day. One day it hit me that he had become the most consistent connection that I had, not just at the moment but historically. I’d never had someone I was trying to date text me every day for that long before even meeting. He’s never been in a hurry to get to the sexual stuff. That realization made me think that this guy was different from the rest, and I wanted to meet him IRL to see what our chemistry would be like. He said he would like that, and we planned our first meetup.
The first time we met in person, we kept it platonic. We played some games and talked, and we had a really good time. He put both me and Romeo at ease. Our energies just matched up so well and comfortably. I felt it was the best vibe check we’ve ever had, in fact!
After that, we continued to get to know each other more and more, and we planned a time to hang out again. Unfortunately, he had an injury that meant we had to delay that for a bit, but we used the 2 ½ weeks between the first and second time we got to see each other to build our relationship more and more. By the time we got to hang out again, I was starting to crush pretty hard. We’d started using cute nicknames for each other and being super flirty. Butterflies were in full effect!
I was so excited to see him again, but also incredibly nervous. I think I was more nervous about that night than I’ve ever been about a date! I was afraid that the connection we’d built over text wouldn’t translate to reality. I think I was also afraid of the intensity of my feelings. This guy is fucking special, y’all. The idea that it could all fall apart like so many of the other relationships I’ve tried to build was really scary. I didn’t want to get hurt again.
Luckily, we had an amazing night. It was so much fun hanging out with him, both playing board games and then cuddling on the couch watching a movie… and then other fun activities after that. As soon as he kissed me, I was overwhelmed with my feelings for him and the passion he stirred up in me. No matter how many things you like about a person, or how well they seem to fit your desires on paper, you can’t really predict chemistry. In this case, as much as I was already excited about him, I didn’t predict the level of desire I would feel for him. He lit me on fire in a way only a couple of other people ever have (and I married one of them!). It was unexpected but very welcome.
Since then we’ve only continued to deepen our connection. I told him I was afraid of him hurting me, and he responded so beautifully. The way that he talks to me is so consistently good and kind and respectful and loving. He makes me feel so special. I feel like I’ve finally found someone who can give back to me everything that I can give to them–the love and support and loyalty and everything else that I offer to those who I value most in my life. He matches me so well.
To be clear: when I say “finally,” I mean in this season of dating. Romeo is all of those things and more! He is my other half. Also importantly, polyamory is not about comparison or competition. My growing feelings for Jefferson don’t lessen my feelings for Romeo. This should be obvious, but sometimes I feel the need to reemphasize these concepts. Not everyone understands poly, and even those that do can sometimes forget that it is very possible to have strong feelings for more than one person and embrace and nurture both relationships simultaneously. It is also possible to have a hierarchy and prioritize one relationship over another without diminishing the value of either partner. Again– it’s not about comparison.
I’m seeing Jefferson again in a couple of days, and until then I’m doing my best to not get ahead of myself. He has earned my trust, and because of that I’m not afraid of him hurting me anymore. I’m only afraid of scaring him away if I get too intense, too quickly. I’m trying to have some chill for once in my life.
There are a lot of words I want to say to him and about him, but I’m holding them back for the moment. I want both of us to be ready for them. I want to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I truly mean them, and that he wants to hear them.
This one is special and I don’t want to fuck it up. I’m praying to all of the poly gods that things with Jefferson continue to work out the way I’m hoping they will. Because right now, this feeling I have of complete satisfaction with my poly life? I really, really want to keep that. I really, really want to keep him.