Because this title is slightly poetic, and might leave some people wondering what the fuck I’m talking about, I’m just going to go ahead and explain the meaning first thing.
When I say “loving through glass,” I’m describing the experience of connecting with someone in a loving and meaningful way, but still feeling like there’s an invisible and very thin wall between you–like glass. You can try to touch, but you don’t feel the full sensation of it. You can see them, and hear them, and speak to them, and be near them… but you aren’t truly together.
So, that’s what I’m talking about.
This post is about Benny, Clementine, and the visit that Romeo and I just enjoyed with them.
Benny is a very important person in my life. I love him deeply, and I know he feels the same about me. We were both very excited about being able to see each other in person. We hadn’t even kissed yet, because we live so far apart that we’ve only met in person once before this. I was excited about that, and all of the other things I’d been fantasizing about becoming a reality.
Our visit was very fun and I enjoyed the time we had with them. We connected sexually with each other in all directions, and that is always an excellent time!
That being said, there was something missing for me. I couldn’t understand why after the first night, I felt so sad. While talking to Romeo about it, I began to understand what it was that I was feeling.
The best word I had was disappointment. I had built up this fantasy in my mind about how amazing it would be to experience my intense emotional connection with Benny manifesting physically. I was excited to kiss him and cuddle him, and plenty of other things as well. And those things were all lovely. But, they weren’t the soul-shattering moments that I had envisioned.
It took a long conversation with Benny after we left to go back home for me to understand why it had felt that way. What it came down to was that we didn’t get a chance to have one-on-one time. There is a level of intimacy that I don’t feel can be achieved in a group setting, and that is the level I was craving. When we’re interacting as a group, Benny’s focus has to be on Clementine, because she’s still relatively new to poly and still learning how to be comfortable with these dynamics. He knew that if he gave me his full attention, even for a few minutes, that it would hurt her. And I truly understand that, because I have been there with Romeo. Even in this scenario, I didn’t feel that Romeo was open to or ready for me to have one-on-one time with Benny. So I hold no judgment whatsoever for either of them, or for Romeo. Sometimes things have to move at a slower pace, and that’s okay.
It was difficult for me, however, to process that experience. It didn’t feel good to be doing sexual things with him while he was still focused on Clem, to listen to him telling her nonstop how hot she is while she’s enjoying Romeo, and I’m quite literally on top of him. Clementine is absolutely gorgeous, and we have very different bodies, so in situations like this it can be very easy to get in my head about whether the other person truly finds me attractive.
There were a few times when Benny murmured to me that I was pretty and that was very sweet. Yet, I couldn’t help but be brought back to my teenage years, when I was sometimes called “cute” or “pretty” but never “hot.” He’s also been very clear to both me and Clem that he doesn’t prefer my body type over hers. I would absolutely never want him to feel or say that he prefers anything about me over his wife, especially to her! And, I get why he feels the need to tone down any compliments about my body around her, or even not around her, because perhaps to him that would feel like a slight betrayal. But the firm and repeated emphasis that my body type isn’t particularly attractive to him is perhaps not what I’d like to hear, either.
I had so many moments where I felt uncertain whether he was actually into me. I wasn’t sure if he wanted me in that way, and that sense of rejection from the lack of enthusiasm deflated me. I know now that he was tempering his enthusiasm out of care for his partner, and he has reassured me thoroughly that he’s very much into me. I am trying my best to believe that he means it, and he’s not just trying to convince me, as well as himself, that it’s true. I want to believe him, very much. It’s tearing me up to feel undesired by him.
Which is why I feel like a fork in the road is coming.
I asked Benny to be my boyfriend about four months ago… and he told me that he felt flattered, but that he couldn’t embrace that label at the time. He and Clementine were dealing with some of their own things that required his full attention on their relationship, and that was something I fully understood and respected.
But now that things are more open again, and we’ve had some valuable in-person time, I can’t help but wonder if the door might be open for reconsidering that label.
I realized last night that this is going to be a significant factor for me in determining how we move forward. If Benny wants to be my boyfriend, that will lead down one path, and it’s the path that I prefer. I can let myself fall for him those last few inches that I’ve been holding back. But, if he still doesn’t feel that this is how he wants to define our relationship, I need to let go of that side of things. I need to shut this down before it goes too far in my mind, before it gets to the point where losing that potential would break my heart.
if we’re just going to be best friends (with benefits!), I can be alright with that. I won’t let it change our friendship or our love for each other–it will just be a different kind of love for me. It could be more of a deeply intimate and caring friendship, rather than a romance. I can be okay with that. It isn’t what I want, but I can accept it. Either way, I need to know.
The only question right now is, do I just post this and wait for him to read it? Or do I try to explain how I’m feeling directly to him first? Am I brave enough to do either one?
Here goes nothing…