Y’all, my search for a girlfriend has begun!
But first, an update. I kind of left things hanging with my last post, didn’t I? My bad…
Benny is now my boyfriend! I did ask him (again) as well as share that post with him and his wife Clementine. After some discussion about what this label would mean for all parties involved, he said that he would love to be my boyfriend. 🥰
This doesn’t change much for us in a tangible way. He still lives at least a full day’s drive away, and visiting each other isn’t something either of us can afford to do often. The label was mostly an emotional shift for me. Being able to claim him as mine in some capacity means something to me. It gives me a feeling of security and commitment, which has only made our already-strong bond even better.
So, with my last boyfriend Jefferson out of the picture, and my long distance boyfriend established, I started to feel very ready for the next stage of my poly journey. I’ve never really had an opportunity to explore the sapphic side of romantical and sexual relationships. (Yes, I know romantical is not a word, but it’s cute, so deal with it.) 😛
Sapphic is a new word I have learned, by the way! It’s a good word to describe “not men,” because “female” doesn’t encompass non-binary folx, and “femme” or “feminine presenting” could be seen as excluding masc women. I also couldn’t use “people with vaginas” because that would exclude many trans women. I want to include all of those types of individuals in my search, while also excluding men. The word sapphic is perfect for that purpose because it’s “a term for any woman, nonbinary person, or feminine-aligned individual who is attracted to other women or femmes. The word is a broad, inclusive umbrella term.” So there’s your LGBTQA+ vocab lesson for the day!
But, back to my story. When I was a teen, I had a best friend who for all intents and purposes was my girlfriend. But at the time, we didn’t understand that and we weren’t ready to. I also met my first husband as a teen, and we very quickly fell in love and were completely committed to each other. It’s funny looking back and realizing that even then, before I knew ENM was a thing, I was trying to be polyamorous. There was a brief moment where I floated the idea of having a relationship with both of them simultaneously, with both of their knowledge and approval, but I was entrenched in the Evangelical Christian church at the time and I felt very guilty about even suggesting it. In time, that friendship fell apart anyway, but I will always remember the special love that we shared. (Cliché, I know, but it’s true!)
I also experimented with other female friends I had growing up, which I attribute to two things. One is that I was clearly attracted to sapphic people from a very young age. To be fair, I was also boy-crazy from a young age, and unfortunately I like dick way too much to say that I’m completely gay. But I can see in hindsight that my sexual preferences were always there, and not buried very far under the surface.
The second thing I attribute my early sexual awakening to is less lovely. It is common for children who have experienced sexual abuse to begin showing interest in sex and engaging in sexual behaviors earlier than their peers. Unfortunately, I do fall into that category as well. Those experiences are ones that I’m still coming to terms with, but one of the things that has helped me heal those traumas has been polyamory and kink. Embracing my sexuality as a self-declared slut has allowed me to take back control of that part of myself and my life. I have been able to shed so much sexual shame that was due to my abuse, as well as learned through the purity culture in church.
As an adult, my only intimate experiences with women have been in group situations. I’ve had a good amount of sexual experience with women in that manner, but I’ve never had the chance to explore a one-on-one connection, let alone a true romantic relationship. But finally, my time has come. Romeo has accomplished so much growth, and he recently gave me his support to go down this path. It was a big deal for him because his ex-wife essentially left him for a woman, which caused a lot of insecurity with the idea of me dating sapphically. I was content to wait for him to feel emotionally ready, and now he is. I’ve been dating for about two months now in my quest to find a girlfriend.
When I say girlfriend, though, I don’t necessarily mean girlfriend. As I’ve explained, I’m open to more than just women. And if I end up finding a partner who isn’t cisgender, meaning that they don’t identify with the gender they were assigned at birth, I will not be using that label for them. In that case they will just be my partner. But for the time being, I simply say that I’m looking for a girlfriend.
I’ve been on a few dates now, and overall I am finding it very different than dating achillean people. (I had to google to find this term, which I now know is the opposite of sapphic.) So far, in my limited experience, I have found that sapphic people are in less of a hurry, are more honest and emotionally intelligent, and provide a more organic style of dating.
What I mean by that last part is that when I’ve established conversations and gone on dates with sapphic people, it has felt like getting to know a new friend who I also happen to be open to becoming more with, and vice versa. It has felt like there was no pressure to do anything except be myself, and let what happens happen. If the relationship stays at the friendship level, no problem! If the relationship delves into something more but then needs to revert back to platonic, that’s cool too! If we start flirting, and there’s good chemistry between us, I’m ready and willing to take it there as well.
When I say that sapphic people seem to be in less of a hurry, I mean that they don’t have the same urgency that I have felt with achillean people. When I was open to that kind of connection, I could get on a dating app and have a date that very night if I tried hard enough. In that way I think that my brain is more of a guy-brain than a girl-brain. I have that sense of urgency. I want to feel those butterflies and those sparks fly. I want to fall in love, and be in a relationship like that. Preferably, I want it now!
But this experience is teaching me patience, and to be honest, it is a good lesson for me. Taking the time to establish a good rapport and comfort level over chat before meeting up means that I can’t hyperfocus on going on dates. Letting there be no expectation of anything romantic or sexual on the first date (or any date) means that I can’t hyperfocus on getting into bed with them. Waiting for them to reply, and often finding myself waiting for a moment in my busy day to reply, means that I can’t hyperfocus on this relationship goal; I have to keep living my life. I have to walk through the process, step by step, and simply wait for the right thing to come along.
I’m waiting to give anybody new a pseudonym until I feel that there is a good reason to write about them. Because that’s another difference between my previous dating experiences and this– there is SO. MUCH. LESS. DRAMA.
I have not been ghosted, lied to, gaslit, manipulated, or guilt-tripped even once on this journey. Whereas in my previous years, when I was dating cisgender men, these things were practically happening on a daily basis. And they say that men are more rational and less emotional? Pah. I feel like I’m finally sitting at the adult table, where we can all act like the grownups we are.
I love the men in my life, to be crystal clear. I am not hating on men. I know that not all men suck. But the harsh reality is that it seems pretty obvious that more men suck than women and other sapphic people. And I can tell you right now that the men who I notice are good men are the ones who don’t get defensive about “not all men.” Because they know good and well that sooooo many men are the problem, and that they are the ones who need to evolve and set a higher standard for men in our world.
Anywho…. That’s what your girl’s been up to the past couple of months. Hopefully I will be back with some happy updates soon!
P.S. I made the title to be funny and/or attention-grabbing, not to announce that I am now a lesbian. 😆 I’m not actually switching teams so much as playing for both teams. What can I say? Players gonna play. 😜