This is a story of love in many forms.

Time for some updates! 

But first. I need to make something super clear because I am finding that more and more of my poly partners, both past and present, are reading my blog. This is both exciting and worrisome! I try to be as candid and raw (tehehe) as I can here, and I don’t want to start censoring myself out of concern for how someone I care about might feel when they read it. I try not to put any surprises in here, unless they’re cute ones (like how I basically asked Benny to be my boyfriend via writing about it here where I knew he would read it). 

The thing is, though, I want this blog to be a place of real-realness. I want to express the beauty and the struggle and the mundanity and the uncertainty– everything that makes polyamory what it is, in all of it’s glory. I can’t do that if I try to tiptoe around what my partners might think. I do try to express my thoughts and feelings to my partners face-to-face, as well, but sometimes (often) writing is the way that they come out most clearly for me. And this is where those writings live. 

All of that to say that one very important concept in polyamory is the idea that comparison should be avoided as much as humanly possible. It’s so natural and easy to compare different relationships. Our past experiences inform how we perceive and process things in the present, and some of that does mean comparing partners and relationships to each other. However, I can’t emphasize enough that when it comes to my active partners, I never want them to feel that they’re in competition with each other, or being judged against any societal standard of what a relationship “should” be. Each relationship is its own living, breathing creature. I strive to see them individually and have peace knowing that each one has the freedom to become exactly what it is meant to be, without the pressure of “measuring up” to anything else. I try to enjoy each connection with the mindset of embracing and celebrating it for what it is. 

My three most involved partners right now are Romeo, Audrey, and Chase. I’m specifically bringing this up here because I know that some of the things I’m going to say about Chase may cause feelings of insecurity for both Romeo and Audrey. Chase is the strongest source of my NRE (New Relationship Energy) right now. I don’t get to choose how my body, heart, or mind react to different people. Nor does being the focus of my current infatuation make Chase a more valuable or important partner than the others. Wanting to spend more time with someone in this NRE stage is normal, and I want to enjoy it as much as I can. Love cannot be measured by how turned on I am by a person, or how amazing they smell to me, or how much sex I want to have with them. Those are signs of passion, not love. I have yet to find a relationship in which passion stays at 100 all of the time, or over the long term. I love all of my partners, and the way that gets expressed in my subconscious and conscious behaviors is different for each of them. 

My point? Each of these people, as well as my less prominent/active partners, is incredibly valuable to me and I would never want any of them to think they matter less because I have strong feelings for another. 

Now, onto the updates.

First off, Lila and I are just friends now rather than girlfriends. She realized that her feelings for me are platonic, not romantic, and that she may be closer to heteroflexible in her leanings. But she seems to be very pleased and supportive of my relationship with her husband, so that’s awesome! As a metamour, I couldn’t ask for anything better. She’s also become a spiritual mentor to me, and someone I enjoy spending time with and care about very much.

Audrey is still my girlfriend, of course, and we’re going strong. We’re in love! For me, our love already feels more stable, safe, and mature than I would have ever expected for this early on. We’re approaching our second monthiversary, and I’m already thinking far into the future of possibilities with her. She also read my entire blog– Hi baby!– from start to finish right after I asked her to be my girlfriend. She called it “girlfriend homework,” which is clearly adorable. 

At this point, we’ve been seeing each other four or more days per week (two sleepovers each week). She’s getting to know my kiddos and already loves them. I’ve cried in her arms more times than seems reasonable. Her and her husband Emmett even celebrated Thanksgiving with us this year. We’ve spent hours upon hours of time together doing normal life things like chores, or sitting down to work on a puzzle, or driving around to pick up kids from school. She’s a part of my life in the most real ways, and that means a lot to me. 

Our chemistry is like a good, home-cooked meal. It’s delicious, and filling, and nourishing, and full of love. Oh, and it’s comforting as fuck. She has mannerisms that are so cute I could cry, and honestly I often do find myself on the verge of tears when I’m staring into her eyes and I can feel the love flowing so strongly between us. I love the sound of her voice, the softness of her skin, the way her nails feel trailing across different parts of my body, and the feeling of her lips on mine. I love how we can laugh together, cry together, play together, talk and listen to each other, and simply do life together. It is downright magical, y’all. I tell her often that she’s an angel sent to me from Heaven, and I stand by that. Not because of anything she does, or anything I expect from her, but just simply because of who she is and how she loves.   

Audrey, baby, I love you so much. Thank you for building a poly relationship with me that feels safe, healthy, and balanced. I’m so proud to call you my girlfriend!

My next update is that Chase is my boyfriend now! Yay! although the way that happened was… interesting. 😅 First, he and Lila started referring to me as his girlfriend (which made me go all cartoon-heart-eyes obviously), but I wasn’t sure if he was serious or just being playful. I brought it up one night, but he emphasized his desire to approach us as a slow burn and spend more quality time together. He also asked if I would go out with him, and I wasn’t sure if that was his way of asking me to be his girlfriend or not. (I later learned that he meant it literally–he was saying he wants to go out on more dates with me. #LOLfacepalm) Needless to say, I was still confused about where we stood. 

I, myself, am a big label person. Defining a relationship gives me a sense of security and helps me feel like we’re on the same page and that we understand each other’s wants and needs. With Chase, I had a LOT of fear of getting hurt at first, so having that moment of making things official was something I really needed. 

So, the next day I tried again to get more clarity, and that’s when it became clear that he had not, in fact, asked me to be his girlfriend. He communicated how he was feeling very honestly, openly, and kindly, and I was able to understand and accept that he wasn’t there yet. (Or so I thought.) He had also mentioned wondering what the label would entail and what our relationship might look like, so I thought it would be funny to write up a “boyfriend contract” to outline exactly what it would mean to me. I included things such as how often I would like to see him, as well as light-hearted things like the “Daily Selfie Clause.” I love getting selfies from my partners, especially when I have to wait more than a few days between times I get to see them.

I sent him the contract and he thought it was super funny and cute. I felt like it was a playful way to get my point across, and to make my intentions and hopes for the relationship clear. I thought that would be the end of it, but he told me later that he kept looking at it because he thought it was so cute. I half-jokingly told him that he should “SIGN IT MOTHERFUCKER!!!” 😂 and that the offer would expire but I wouldn’t tell him when. I certainly didn’t expect him to actually sign it! But he did. And that’s how he became my boyfriend. 😄 I would feel worried that I on some level coerced him into it, but he’s made it very clear since then that he likes calling me his girlfriend. I really like hearing it, too. 

Chase is so many good things that I don’t even know where to start. He’s affectionate and sweet, comfortable to be around, smart, playful, emotionally intelligent, a good listener, communicative, and kind. He’s so fucking sexy and his touch has an inexplicably magical affect on me. Without getting too graphic, I will just say that he has SKILLS. Many, many skills. (Never have I ever almost passed out from hyperventilating because the sex was so good… until now). 

And when we’re alone together, the way he looks at me and touches me conveys so much. The simplest way I can put it is that he treats me like he’s in love with me. So even if he doesn’t feel there yet intellectually or verbally express that level of affection, I can feel it so strongly from his actions (in and out of bed). Unless this guy is just an incredibly good actor and able to fake intense passion without truly feeling it, I think it’s safe to say that there’s something really powerful in our connection. 

That being said, it is too soon (and too scary) to tell him I love him. So I’m not. I’m not, I’m not, I’m not. In fact, I’m quite certain that I think he’s stupid and I hate him. 😉 And saying that is not a coping mechanism to deal with my overwhelming feelings WHATSOEVER. Okay? Great. Glad you agree. 

I will say that I’m continuing to fall in love with him, though. I miss and crave him every single fucking day. When I’m with him I’m savoring every moment, and when I’m not with him I’m counting down the days until I will be again. 

It’s just casual, ya know? 

Really though, I am continuing to be cautious and reasonable in my expectations. I never want to let another person become my whole world again. I need to be my own world. I need to know that even if I lost the ones I love, I would survive. So as much as I absolutely adore every inch of Chase’s dumbass existence, I also know that if things didn’t work out, I would not be shattered. It would hurt like hell, and then I would heal and keep moving forward.

Anywho. More updates!   

Romeo and Mina are also boyfriend-girlfriend, going strong, and very much in love. It’s wonderful to see them together and to know that my Romeo has found another soul with whom he can share his heart.  

Jasper has retired himself from our playdates to settle down into a new monogamous relationship. We have nothing but good feelings toward him, and the door is still open for possibilities in the future.

Melanie and I are still awaiting our first play date later this week, after having to reschedule our original plans at the last minute because, as any mom could understand, parenting emergencies often call when it’s least convenient. But I’m very excited for some time with her super soon!   

I haven’t seen Gerry in a while other than brief moments here and there when he happens to come by my house. We still care about each other and I know that we’ll enjoy time together again when the timing is right. 

I still love Benny (always will) and despite him almost guilt-dumping me, we are still together. The reality is that we both struggle with mental health issues, and he’s been in a dark place for some time now. A couple of weeks ago, he expressed concerns that he wasn’t living up to the title of “boyfriend” in my life. I reassured him that the only thing I need from him is his love. He is my boyfriend because we love each other (deeply, romantically, and maturely), we’re always there for each other when we need it, and we’re soul mates– plain and simple. Even though we’re in a season of life right now where we aren’t able to connect all that tangibly, I still feel secure in our love. I also have more optimism now than I’ve had before that I will have an opportunity to visit him in the near future. Whenever that time comes, I’ll be looking forward to it.

That’s my poly life right now. It’s busy and often a challenging balancing act, but so full of love and joy that I could never call it anything but living my best life. Or, at least, I’m well on my way to it.