This is the story of a door slammed shut.

In my last post, I wrote about my long-time friend/flirtation named Miles. We had finally crossed the line by making out in the back of his car on one random rainy night, and I was pleasantly surprised at how passionate and right it felt. I was eager to figure out what it could mean for our relationship. I’d hoped that we could finally, finally explore a real romantic relationship together after literally decades (just barely, but still!) of toying with the idea. 

Unfortunately, he was extremely vague and cagey about the situation after that night. A few days went by and I finally decided that enough was enough. I asked him what he wanted with me, and when his answers were still unhelpful, I asked him straight-up if that night had meant anything to him. I think when I asked that, I was really looking for an answer of how much it meant to him, on a scale of “it was fun and I care about you, but I don’t think I can do a romantic relationship right now,” to “it shattered my cold robot heart and made me feel alive again, and I want as much of a relationship as you can give me.” I certainly wasn’t expecting him to say, “no, it did not.” It did not mean anything to him. His words.

Furthermore, he apparently had been under the impression that I was already aware of his intentions, which he felt he had communicated clearly before. But I was not aware, not at all. I knew that he didn’t exactly know what he wanted or was able to offer me in terms of a relationship. I did not know that he had zero intention of offering me any level of romantic relationship, despite being open to and interested in exploring sexually with me. In other words, his intentions were for me to be a fuck buddy, if that. 

I also didn’t mention in my previous post that he wanted our shenanigans to remain secret, until further notice. This was pretty damn suspicious, but I agreed not to say anything to any of our mutual friends out of respect for his privacy. After he told me that kissing me meant nothing to him, I realized that he wanted me to be a secret fuck buddy, if that. He wanted no accountability to me, and no strings attached. But I am nobody’s dirty little secret, and the fact of the matter is that we had a long-standing friendship. That should have automatically merited a higher level of care than one would give some rando they’d just met, with those intentions expressed clearly from the start. He didn’t treat me with the care that a true friend would have treated me with. To be honest, he didn’t treat me with the care that I would give to literally anybody who I’d shared an intimate moment with. 

It probably goes without saying that this door is now slammed shut and bolted. The vibe is “lock that shit and throw away the key.” Miles isn’t worthy of my love, time, or attention–as a partner, or as a friend. So that’s over.

This whole thing has hurt. I meant it when I said that it felt amazing to be with him in that way, to enjoy a horizontal makeout session and put our hands all over each other. It was fireworks for me. It feels like complete and utter shit that it meant nothing to him. I feel rejected and used and betrayed. 

But, I also feel somewhat relieved. The question of Miles has been living in some corner of my mind for more than half of my life at this point. I can finally put that to rest. I can finally move on, fully and completely. I can feel proud of myself for saying no to sex with him that night, and grateful for my strong intuition. I can have peace knowing that he is not someone I want in my life, let alone as a partner. 

Speaking of catastrophic failures, there’s still Jamey to figure out. 

Jamey has been consistently and exactly the same as he was the first time we “dated.” Except this time, I haven’t had sex with him yet. But already, it is super obvious that he has as little to offer me as I expect from him, which unfortunately is next to nothing. I have come to this conclusion based on the scarcity of his texts and the super long response times to mine, the lack of effort in getting to know me, and the inability to follow through with plans to go out. 

To be clear, I’m not even annoyed or upset in any way about those things because as I’ve said, this is exactly what I expected. I have continued to express to Jamey that I’m not upset, when he apologizes for those things, and remind him that I don’t expect anything from him. When I tell him that, he seems grateful and relieved. Some guys might hear that a person they are interested in dating has minimal expectations of them and pause, perhaps thinking to themselves that they might not want to be the kind of person who people expect only the bare minimum from. But Jamey is simply glad, and that tells me everything I need to know.

At this moment, I don’t have any plans on the calendar to see him again. Our last two plans fell through, and I sure as hell am not putting in any effort to make new ones. If he asks, I will tell him what days I have available– but there honestly aren’t many. If he does text me again, which I expect he will eventually, I’ll respond and match his energy as I always try to do. However, I would say that the chances of us having any kind of future relationship (even a casual one) are quite low. I suspect that all he wanted from me was sex, and since it hasn’t been as easy to get it this time, he’s lost interest. Too bad, so sad. 

The pouring rain I described in my last post seems to have subsided as quickly as it began, as rainstorms often do. The good news is that nothing was lost, other than some grime that needed to be washed away anyway. (Sorry boys, but grime’s gonna grime, and blogger’s gonna blog.) 

Anywho, as an ending note I have an update on Romeo’s love life to share. Unfortunately, things with Mina have severely fizzled to the point of basically nothing. They still text but haven’t seen each other in weeks, and there really isn’t any relationship there anymore. The wild part is that nothing really happened; there was no big fight or conflict or change of heart. One day she just decided that he wasn’t meeting her constantly-changing-and-poorly-defined standards, and told him to get the fuck out of her life. She apologized later that day and after that they agreed to sort of “start fresh,” but things were never the same. I’m sad for Romeo, because it was so lovely to see him enjoying a poly relationship of his own. At the same time, I’m irritated at her for behaving so childishly and playing stupid games with him. I know that he’s better off without that kind of drama and emotional turmoil in his life. 

Mina may be out of the picture, but Romeo is finding ways to fill some of the space with friendships and social activities. One person, in particular, has been bonding with him quite a bit and I like to joke (or maybe I’m not completely joking?) about their growing bromance. That person is none other than the guy I used to be in love with, who was and presumably still is neither interested nor available for a non-platonic relationship with me. It’s Oliver! He and his wife Shelby were Romeo’s friends long before he met me, and I’ve had the good fortune of enjoying spending time with them as a result. They’re truly good people, and I love having them as friends. 

As far as Romeo and Oliver go, I think it might be the case that there’s some mutual crushing going on. There’s certainly flirting and some casual affection happening! Perhaps I’m reading the situation entirely wrong and this will be something that they can just laugh about when they see each other next. But in any case, I’m happy to see Romeo enjoying more time with a good friend. And I’m only a tiny bit jealous that most of that time is without me, because it’s usually when I’m with other partners. I’m not in love with him anymore, but I do wish I had more time with my friend. Frustratingly, I wish I had more time with most people in my life these days. There’s too many people I love! It’s a strangely lovely problem to have. 

Overall, things are looking like they’ll be consistent and calm for the foreseeable future, and I think I’m ready to enjoy the sunshine for a while.