This is the story of an enigma.

Candidate three in my “Project Butterflies” search is a guy I’m calling Adrian.

Adrian is, at the time of this writing, a bit of an enigma. Honestly, I feel a bit bad even writing this post, because I really don’t know how this one is going to pan out. I could end up having a very successful relationship with Adrian! But right now, at least, I’m thoroughly uncertain about what to expect when we meet for the first time tomorrow. 

Obviously, this post could be pretty uncomfortable for Adrian to read— which I know he’s probably going to do immediately after I post it. I don’t want to make him self-conscious. But, I also have an honesty policy when it comes to my blog, because I want to share the real and complete picture of what it’s like to date as a woman today, and specifically as a poly person. These stories must be told! And so, here we go.

My conversation with Adrian started off pretty normally, with him sharing a bit about his day and asking me questions about mine. He has been consistent with asking me questions, as well as following up on my responses, which shows me that he’s genuinely interested in getting to know me. 

He’s also been very proactive about assuring me of his intentions. He’s said that he really wants to learn more about me, that I don’t have to worry about scaring him off by over-communicating, that he wants me to be comfortable, and that he’s very transparent. He’s also assured me a lot that he’s really into me and super excited to meet me, and that he already feels a really special connection with me. He’s even read all of my blog posts here, and had a lot to say about how he would be different than the other guys I’ve written about. 

Those are all really great things! But… there’s something that feels potentially off to me. It feels as if his assurances are a bit excessive, to the point that it makes me wonder if he’s overcompensating. A “good guy” doesn’t need to assure you that he’s a “good guy”— he just shows you. Is there some reason that Adrian feels the need to try so hard to convince me that he can offer what I’m looking for? I’m not trying to find a reason not to like him, truly. But my intuition is giving me a caution sign. 

One possibility is that he’s just an awkward communicator. Maybe he gets awkward when communicating with women he’s interested in, especially. That wouldn’t be unusual; who doesn’t get a little nervous and awkward sometimes around someone they’re super into? I myself have definitely had my fair share of awkward moments, so I’m not judging. It’s even possible that he’s on the autism spectrum, and that’s causing his texts to feel a little off at times. I have zero problems with dating someone on the spectrum—diagnosed or not. I have some autistic traits myself, as do many people in my life. It’s just something that could change our vibe in ways that I may find a bit off-putting at times. 

Some of the things I’ve noticed that give weight to this theory are the way he tends to over clarify things, especially jokes. If he makes a joke, he almost always follows it up by telling me that it’s a joke (even when it was quite obvious). He overuses a few specific emojis, as well, which is actually kind of endearing. He particularly likes this one: 😏and this one: 😈. This isn’t a criticism, it’s just an observation I’ve made. 

Another quirk I’ve noticed is that he has a tendency to say things in a way that he intends to be flirty, but can come off as a bit overbearing or presumptuous. I’ve had to point it out a few times. For example, he once said that if he was available at the time he would’ve “told” me to meet up with him. “I would have asked if you wanted to meet up” would have been so much better. He also suggested that I send him sexy pics, after we’d been flirting back and forth for a bit. My Spidey senses start tingling when a new guy directly asks orsuggests, rather than invites me to send him something spicy. I played along for a bit, but he pushed for more revealing pics and I pivoted away. The next day, it got worse when he sent me something (not a problem and not unwanted), and then told me to send him something back. Talk about a *record scratch* moment. 

To his credit, when I told him why that wasn’t cool with me he immediately apologized and told me what he would do differently in the future. I was happy to chalk it up to a miscommunication and move on. 

There have been a few other things that have rubbed me the wrong way. When we were starting to get flirty and talk about sex, he suggested getting a hotel on our first date. That felt like way too much, too fast, considering I was already uncertain about the vibes. He was very gracious when I said I didn’t want to do that, however. He has always been very receptive to feedback and seems willing to hear me and correct things as needed when I have a problem. Most of the other somewhat “off” things have been in that same vein: essentially, it’s been a weird combination of seeming overly presumptuous about some things, yet surprisingly cautious and unassuming about other things. It’s made it pretty challenging for me to get a good read on him.

The more I think about it, the more I think that his communication style is just on a slightly different wavelength than mine. Everything he’s said and the way he’s acted thus far have been overall very positive, complimentary, and encouraging. I don’t want it to seem like I’m nitpicking, because that’s not it at all. I’m honing in on small details because that’s what I have to do, as a woman, to navigate the dating world as safely as possible. I’m not holding these things against him. I’m just using them as data points to analyze the situation. 

Adrian also asked me not to write about him on my blog, which again triggered an alert in my head. Any time a guy asks me not to write about him, I can’t help but feel irritated. Any guy who asks this knows I’m a blogger who writes about my dating life; so where does he get the audacity to ask to be the exception? And more importantly, what is he afraid I’m going to write about him? If he doesn’t want to be held accountable for his words and actions, he really picked the wrong girl to date. 

In Adrian’s case, though, I once again don’t think that he had any malicious intentions behind this request. I think it’s most likely that he simply doesn’t realize how his words might land, especially for someone like me who is hypersensitive when it comes to communication. Of course it’s also possible that my intuition is spot on, and he may turn out to be full of shit or just plain creepy. The only way for me to solve the mystery is to go on this date tomorrow and find out what he’s like in person.  

I really only need to answer one very important question tomorrow: does he give me the ick? Because if he does, regardless of whether his intentions are pure or not, there can be no moving forward with him. The ick is like the opposite of butterflies. And like butterflies, it often isn’t in anyone’s control whether they give that feeling to others or not. It’s all a part of a mostly inexplicable and often irrational factor, which nevertheless is essential and inescapable in romantic/sexual relationships. That factor, of course, is chemistry.

With that being said: Hi Adrian! I hope you don’t get offended by this post, and know that I’m legitimately excited about our date tomorrow. I hope that my intuition is picking up on something harmless, and that I’ll feel nothing but good vibes with you. From what I can tell you’re a good guy, and if that’s true then all you need to do is be yourself and trust that if we’re meant to be together, then we will be. See you soon, cutie. 😘