This is a story about following my intuition. 

Oooooh boy, readers, do I have some piping hot tea for you today!

I went on my date with Adrian. It was actually quite nice and a lot of fun. We got some dessert, sat and talked for a bit, then went to an arcade, then sat and talked some more. There was plenty of joking, laughing, flirting, and affection. He was a gentleman overall. Unfortunately, after I left, my intuition was still telling me that something was off. 

The blog post I wanted to write about this date would have been something along these lines:

Adrian is a great guy, and I enjoyed getting to know him. I had a lovely date with him, but later I found myself not feeling good about the idea of continuing to see him. This experience has taught me that getting the ICK isn’t always based on anything the other person did wrong. They could do literally everything right, but something about the chemistry just isn’t a good fit. That’s not a reflection on them, and even though it sucks to have to reject someone for what feels like no reason, it is unavoidable if any part of you is averse to that person. I, personally, have a deep sense of trust in my own intuition and I believe that if my gut is telling me that I shouldn’t see Adrian again, then I need to trust that. I let him down as gently as I could. 

But that’s not the post I’m writing. Instead, I’m writing this one. 

This experience taught me that my intuition is on-fucking-par, and I was absolutely right to trust it. The unfortunate reality is that after our date (and even when I think about it now) I got major ick vibes. It literally makes me shudder when I think about it, and when that feeling made itself known on the way home, I knew that there was no way I could see him again. Something was very off. 

Looking back, there were a few small things on our date that wouldn’t have been red flags on their own, or even if someone else had done them. When the chemistry is right, these things could have been wanted and enjoyed, both outside the mask and behind it. (By that I mean I have an automatic, involuntary, often subconscious “mask” that I show others in social situations; that may or may not be completely reflective of my true, usually deeper feelings.) In other words, I may seem to be enjoying something in the moment—and I probably am! It’s not that I’m faking it. It’s just that one of my survival mechanisms is to people-please to the point where I can actually convince myself that I’m enjoying the moment more than I am. I may not know until afterwards that I wasn’t feeling fully good about it.   

One of the things that he did that I later realized gave me icky feelings is that he put a lot of effort into trying to get me isolated, away from where the people were. He wasn’t sneaky about it; he literally told me straight up that he wanted to go find somewhere to sit where there weren’t any people around. I knew that it was because he wanted to kiss me, and didn’t want an audience. I didn’t feel unsafe per se, because we were in a very safe area, in which even when there weren’t a lot of people around, there were still enough people that it would’ve been easy to get outside attention if I had started to feel in danger. 

I also have my location shared with multiple people, some of whom I know check up on me regularly. Romeo in particular is always keeping a watchful eye on my location when I’m on dates, for my safety, which is something I really appreciate. So I wasn’t worried about Adrian assaulting me or anything like that. But still, it was a creepy move to bring me completely out of the shopping area we were in and into a secluded business park instead. I feel really shuddery about it now. He did this near the beginning of our date, and tried to do it again afterward but I pushed back enough to keep us in the shopping center that time. 

Another thing that he did which made me uncomfortable when reflecting back was being overly physical very quickly. He pretty much maintained physical contact as much as possible from the moment we met until the moment we said goodbye, with only short breaks when it was necessary (such as when we were playing games at the arcade, when he went to use the restroom, and when he went to pick up our dessert from the counter). He kissed me in between every game we played, and had his arm around me when we were walking. I kept having to shift to holding onto his arm when we were walking, because it was so awkward to walk with his arm around my shoulder, and he seemed pretty insistent on us touching in some way. This is one of those things that, if the chemistry was right and I was super into him, would have been cute and enjoyable for me. For example, if Chase wanted to touch me every second we were together, I would love it. But I’m in love with Chase—and I had literally just met Adrian. 

He also kissed me within the first half hour of our date, and wanted me to sit on his lap shortly into that first makeout session. During the last part of our date, he started getting more handsy despite there being people walking by every couple of minutes. Again, if this had happened with someone I felt super strong chemistry with, it might have been a different feeling for me. But generally speaking, I don’t really enjoy aggressive amounts of PDA, so even with someone else I probably would have started to feel uncomfortable. 

When we were saying goodbye, he pushed me for more time. I do not like it when I tell someone that I need to leave at a certain time, and then they ask me to stay later. I find that quite disrespectful, because it shows me that they have no problem pushing my boundaries. I don’t want to have to defend my boundaries; I should only have to say them once. When that happens with someone I just met, it’s even more concerning. 

Another thing that happened when we were saying goodbye is that he asked me if he could spank me. We’d previously talked about the things we liked in bed, so he already knew that I enjoy having my ass slapped— in bed. I don’t mind a casual spanking outside of the bedroom though, so I said it was fine, but then he made it into a whole thing. He turned me to the side (weird), then readied his hand (weird) and asked if I was ready (weird). Then he told me to tell him what I wanted him to do. FUCKING. WEIRD. He wanted me to say the words, “I want you to spank me.” *Fighting gag reflex* 

Like, why dude? I giggled (nervous reaction) and told him I hate saying things like that. He insisted, and I finally said it (still giggling), and he told me to say it again like I meant it. At that point, I can’t remember exactly what happened—which right now I’m finding a little concerning—but he did end up spanking me even though I don’t think I said it again. When that whole cringey moment was over, and I was once again trying to say goodbye, he asked me to promise that we would see each other again. Put on the spot, and reverting to my people-pleasing survival instincts, I said yes and made the promise.

Seen through a different lens, none of these things are inherently creepy (well, maybe a little, but there are definitely times in which I would have been fine with most of those things, with the right person). So I still wouldn’t say he did anything necessarily “wrong.” He asked for consent when he was touching me, and wasn’t physically pushy. He acted like a gentleman, but it somehow still didn’t feel like he actually was a gentleman.  

When I needed to tell him that I didn’t want to continue seeing him, I didn’t want to be harsh about it because that didn’t feel deserved. I sent him a thoughtful and kind yet firm message letting him know that I couldn’t continue dating him. I didn’t go into detail about my feelings, since telling him that he gave me the ick and that my intuition alarm was blaring didn’t seem necessary or kind. I just told him that after processing, I realized that my feelings weren’t where I needed them to be, and that our connection wasn’t quite what I’m looking for. I reassured him that he didn’t do anything wrong, and wished him the best. 

Finally, the moment I’d been waiting for arrived. It’s what I like to think of as The Switch Flip moment. It’s that moment when someone you just know is not a good guy finally shows his true colors. Usually it either happens if/when you criticize them about something they did or said, or when you ultimately reject them. I was surprised when his switch didn’t flip before our date, because I had to call him out on a couple of different things (mentioned in my last post). But each time, he was gracious and seemed to take my concerns under advisement. 

For Adrian, The Switch Flip moment was waiting for my clearcut rejection. Up until that point, he played nice so as to not ruin his chances. But no amount of playing nice can hide when there’s something not-so-nice underneath. 

You know what I haven’t done in a hot minute? Share screenshots! Lucky for me, Adrian is so very worthy of me ending the drama-dry-spell, just for him.

Bon Apetit!

I didn’t respond again after my last message there, and he seems to have given up now thankfully. He was trying to drag me into an argument, and it was going nowhere. Instead of accepting my rejection gracefully, he tried to force me to engage in this loop. I chose to disengage, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have things to say about each and every one of his ridiculous messages.

Let’s dissect this, shall we? 

First, he starts off with a barrage of questions. Making me reject him multiple times is a good tactic to try to get me to cave, and give him “another chance.” Next, he begins with the guilt tripping, reminding me that I said I was having a good time and that we’d see each other again. Those were things I already addressed in my first message—I did feel like I was having a good time in the moment, and when he put me on the spot to promise we would see each other again, I made that promise under pressure. Neither of those things means that I somehow owe him another date.

Then of course comes the heavier guilt trip: asking why I decided he’s “not good enough” for me. Clearly I never said that he wasn’t good enough, and in fact I was intentional about not criticizing him at all in this conversation. He was baiting me. 

I respond with essentially the same information, said in a slightly different way, and add in my genuine sympathy because I truly didn’t enjoy hurting his feelings and disappointing him. 

His response leans more heavily into trying to blame me for misleading him. He says that I can’t say he didn’t do anything wrong, and that I “made it seem like” I was into him. At this point, it’s clear that he isn’t comprehending or absorbing the things I’m saying. Nevertheless, I give one more attempt at reassuring him that it isn’t his fault and that I hadn’t been intentionally misleading him. 

He then tries a new tactic of arguing about why it doesn’t make sense for me to end things with him. Perhaps he thinks he can convince me that my feelings would change if I spent more time with him. He attempts to make me question my own rationality by comparing himself to other guys who have treated me badly, and presenting himself as a victim who has been treated unfairly by me. 

I send a final message to close the conversation, but he still feels the need to say a few more things. I’m not sure what he thinks he can accomplish at this point.

He tries to shame me by saying he thought I was “different,” whatever that means, and that he should have known better (because of course he was tricked by me). He accuses me of lying and basically making bad choices in the men I choose to date. Finally, in his last message, he says that the least I could do is tell him why I’m such an evil succubus. Okay, that’s obviously a paraphrase but you get the point. He has the audacity to suggest that I owe him something. 

Fact Check: I DO NOT OWE ANYBODY ANYTHING for spending time getting to know me and/or taking me out on a date. His time, energy, emotional investment, and money were his to give freely, and he did. I was as honest as I could be throughout the process of getting to know Adrian. I gave him as thorough of an explanation as I felt was appropriate, but he chose not to accept it. 

So, yeah. Everything that he said after I tried to let him down gently only proved to me more and more that I made the right choice. A man who can’t accept rejection and turns nasty when they don’t get their way is a man whom I do not wish to spend a single moment with. That’s toxic, entitled, unattractive behavior. And as Adrian should know from reading my blog, I will put you on blast if you decide to act like that. Because I may have had a lot of guys treat me badly, but I have not accepted that treatment—thus why I’m no longer dating any of those guys! 

Before I end this post, I do want to take a moment to appreciate the much more mature response I recently received from Jamey about my decision not to see him anymore. He said that he understood, that he was glad we got to clear the air, and thanked me for giving him another chance. He wished me well, and left the door open for reconnecting in the future, if I so choose. Now that’s what I call a good boy. 

Thank you, Jamey, for acting like an adult! And, I hereby retract my “good riddance” comment from my last post about him; I still feel it was the right choice to move on, but I have a lot of respect for the maturity in his final messages. I can only hope that Adrian takes note for his dating life moving forward—for his own sake, as well as for the sake of any unsuspecting women he decides to pursue.