This is the story of un-giving up.

My last forlorn post was about Micah and the end of our relationship. To (apparently) nobody’s surprise, however, we have gotten back together! Even if everyone else saw it coming, I can honestly say that at least I was surprised. I truly believed that we were over for real, because we both came to the conclusion that we were fundamentally incompatible. He wanted a monogamous partner who he could build a future with that included nesting, marriage, and raising a family together. I wanted someone who could support my solo-poly, non-hierarchical, relationship-anarchy style of partnership, which may not ever include nesting or marriage. The answer seemed pretty clearcut.

What happened in the days after our breakup was a whole lot of SADNESS for both of us. I felt extremely low in a way that bled into every other area of my life. All I wanted to do was sleep, but I had to get through my daily responsibilities which usually are a good distraction for me; not this time. I couldn’t shake it. Now, to be fair, I didn’t exactly give myself a lot of time to do so. Surely nobody would be expected to shake off a hard breakup within a few days– but frankly, that’s often how I’ve felt in the past. I process things very quickly. With this breakup though, I felt stuck in it, and the worst part was that I didn’t even want to get unstuck. 

As is our style, Micah and I decided to meet up despite our knowledge that doing so would almost certainly derail our breakup. Both of us hated not being together, and despite all reason, we wanted to see each other. We talked a lot that night, and came to several conclusions. 

I made the argument that nobody knows the future, and I don’t know what I will or won’t want in the future. I don’t know how I will feel in the future, and neither does he. Making a decision to end our relationship based on a future that may or may not happen seems silly. I suggested that we focus on the present.

He told me that being with me is more important to him than having a guarantee of certain future plans. I reminded him that he is the only one who can decide if it’s a dealbreaker that I’m not currently able to commit to marriage and living together someday. 

We decided to try again. 

Since that night, there has been a very noticeable shift in Micah’s behavior. I have felt incredibly supported, and no longer sense any negativity from him toward my polyamorous lifestyle, Romeo, or my need for radical autonomy. As this has continued, I have noticed the natural result of me feeling more and more desire to be with him. “Marry-me behavior” is what I call it. Because despite myself, he is making me feel more open to that idea just by being a good partner. When I pointed that out to him, he responded: 

“I’ve truly just let go of the things that were hurting me. I love you to pieces. This is who you are. I promise it isn’t a show.” And the best part is that I felt the truth in those words. I can feel the shift in how he let go of the things he was getting hung up on, and chose to just support and love me instead of fighting me. It has felt different, and good. 

For almost a month now, we’ve been doing really well. We have had conflicts, but we’ve navigated them successfully. I can make no guarantees, nor grand declarations yet, but I can say that my confidence in our ability to work has gone up tremendously. I have hope again that we will be able to spend the rest of our lives together.

Over the last week or two, though, I’ve been dealing with a whole new challenge. Micah has decided that he’s going to be polyamorous as well, and specifically by pursuing a relationship with his ex-girlfriend whom he’s been seeing in a complicated friends-with-benefits, situationship-like capacity for the past couple of months. Let’s call her Janice. Micah’s developments with Janice have presented several difficulties for me, emotionally. 

I have felt jarred by the 180 degree turn in Micah’s declared intentions. He told me on many occasions that he did not want to be poly himself, nor in a romantic relationship with Janice. He told me that it was purely platonic for him. Now his feelings have changed pretty dramatically, as he has told me that he loves her and wants her to be his girlfriend too. That’s a bit of a shock to the system!

I have also felt resentful of Janice’s behavior since their reunion. At first, Micah told her that he was with me and wasn’t going to leave me, nor did he want to be polyamorous himself. Nevertheless, she continued to pursue a romantic relationship with him and repeatedly asked him to choose to be with her instead. Straight-up trying to steal my man is some pretty snakey behavior in my humble opinion. 

More recently, I’ve struggled with feelings of jealousy and insecurity about his relationship with her compared to mine. Comparison is basically public enemy #1 in polyamory, and I know that it’s never a good idea to compare how you feel you’re being treated to how you perceive someone else is being treated. Each relationship is different, and the wisest choice is to stay in your own lane. Unfortunately, I have fallen victim to this classic pitfall despite my knowing better.

One aspect of my jealousy is the imbalance in time we are able to spend together. Janice has no job, no children, no pets, and no partners. She also lives a few hours away, so when she comes to visit she stays for days on end. They get to enjoy immense amounts of quality time together that just isn’t possible for someone like me, who has a very full life. It’s hard not to feel like their relationship is more significant because of the time they get together. 

Another aspect of my jealousy is my perception that he’s prioritizing her feelings over mine. She feels uncomfortable with him being affectionate towards me when she’s around, so when we met for the first time tonight, I had to greet him very platonically and keep my distance so as not to upset her. He requested as much, and I agreed in the spirit of keeping things harmonious. She also is joining us for Halloween festivities tomorrow, and he thought it would be nice to invite her to get in on our matching costumes. It was cute when I was going to be a purple crayon and he decided to be a red one. It’s not as cute now that she’ll be joining us as a crayon as well. It went from feeling special and sweet, to feeling like I’m being demoted so that she can feel like my equal. Should there be a ranking of who is above who in polyamory? No, I don’t believe so. But does it feel that way regardless? Yes, unfortunately it does. And I went from feeling like his primary to feeling like Janice and I are on the same level in terms of the seriousness of our relationships. 

Micah doesn’t want to hurt me. He isn’t doing anything wrong, but it’s hurting me anyway. To me, that means that there is some internal work that I need to do. He doesn’t need to do anything differently; I need to process why I’m feeling this way and then figure out how to let it go. I know this to be true, but goddamn does it feel like a gut punch to lose the feeling that I’m the most important person to him. Feelings are so irrational sometimes! 

Micah has given me reassurance, beyond what I would ever ask for, and that is helping me feel a bit better. I think a big part of my pain right now is based in the simple fact that I miss him so much. Between work, family obligations, and Romeo, there just isn’t that much time for me to spend with him despite wanting to be with him all the time. Missing him hurts. Missing him while he’s with someone else sucks. Missing him and then not being able to touch him when I see him because he wants to make things easier for his new partner? That really fucking sucks. 

I have work to do, clearly. I need to continue to reprogram my mind to truly believe that my value is innate, rather than based on how much other people need, want, like, appreciate, or love me. I need to continue to build my relationship with myself, as my own primary partner. And I need to keep showing up in my relationship with Micah so that we can continue to grow as a couple. Most challenging of all is that I need to let go of my resentment toward Janice, and my nearly overpowering urge to be petty AF. 

I’m not there yet, though. And I just might have to dress up as something sexier than a crayon tomorrow night.