Since my last post, things have gotten better with Romeo. Our relationship has continued to grow stronger, and Romeo has worked hard at his own growth as a partner. Several months ago, I told him about an attitude I try to embrace as a partner myself, which is that every day I try to give the one I love reasons to stay.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If I\u2019m just existing in a partnership, or just benefitting from it without contributing, then I\u2019m not giving them reasons to stay\u2014and why should they? Partnerships should be about mutual giving, putting in the effort to show love and care to each other, and putting each other first. If I\u2019m not doing that, then I\u2019m not being the kind of partner I would want to have! So, I work on embodying that every day. And, I asked Romeo to do the same. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
He took that to heart, and I can clearly see that he tries harder now to give me reasons to stay. Is every day great? No. There is still room for growth, and always will be. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As an example, his emotional volatility is still an issue I personally have a hard time with. When I<\/em> am upset about something or just feeling down, I have never been the kind of person to take that out on others around me. Yes, when I\u2019m pushed and already struggling, I do tend to blow up or melt down more easily. But as long as you treat me relatively kindly and gently, I am not going to make you miserable just because I am. Even if you are driving me bonkers, I still try to give a lot of grace despite my own feelings at the time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Well, Romeo isn\u2019t the same in that way. When he\u2019s not feeling good, physically or emotionally, everyone around him is going to feel it too. And that is really hard on me as an empath. I pick up on his feelings even when he\u2019s not <\/em>spewing them all over the place. But when he\u2019s really wallowing in it or being standoffish or snappy, it overwhelms me. I go beyond empathizing and begin to absorb it. It doesn\u2019t feel good. <\/p>\n\n\n\n So, there\u2019s that. There are still issues with control that are a recurring problem; but we are getting better and working through them more smoothly and effectively. <\/p>\n\n\n\n There\u2019s also still the issue of me being a poly person in a monogamous relationship. I don\u2019t think that this will ever not <\/em>be an issue, to be honest. It wasn\u2019t a one-time sacrifice for me. It\u2019s a daily choice to give up something that is important to me, for the sake of my partner\u2019s happiness. It\u2019s a loss of a part of myself that I continue to grieve for and probably always will. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes, it flairs up more than other times. I will see, hear, or think about something that reminds me of someone I dated, or some aspect of polyamory that I miss, and it will throw me back into sadness over what I\u2019ve given up. It can be hard to shake. And it\u2019s even harder because I can\u2019t really talk about it to anyone. <\/p>\n\n\n\n On occasion, I will mention it to Romeo if it\u2019s really getting me down and he asks. But, I don\u2019t want to harp on it with him. Not only does it not change anything, but I don\u2019t want to make him feel bad or guilty. I made my choice, and it doesn\u2019t seem fair to keep reminding him of how painful it is. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Other than Romeo, who would I talk to about it? The few people who know about my experience are usually on one side of the fence or the other\u2014I shouldn\u2019t be with Romeo if this is such a big deal to me, or I should basically get over it because this is what I chose. Nobody really understands that I can be committed to my choice, and not regretful of it, and yet still sad about it. Nobody just affirms that sadness for me, which is what I really need. (And, even if Romeo were to do that, it would just feel like twisting the knife in a way, so I don\u2019t look for that from him.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n But the truth is, I don\u2019t regret my choice. I don\u2019t believe that there was a better one. I want <\/em>to be with Romeo, and I love him and our life together. I don\u2019t want to lose that, ever. I would make the same choice again and again, because this is who I want as my partner forever. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Nobody is perfect, but as I said, Romeo has been giving me reasons to stay. <\/p>\n\n\n\n He shows me so much appreciation, for the little and big things I do. He makes me feel incredibly loved, valued, and treasured. He does sweet things to make me smile and help me feel better when I\u2019m not doing great. He helps me in practical ways, as a co-parent and nesting partner. He makes me feel like I really am the most beautiful person he\u2019s ever laid eyes on, and that nothing I could do would make me any less attractive to him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It’s not only the things he does that make me want to stay, but who he is. He’s an amazing provider for our family, and I never worry that we won\u2019t be alright in that way because he\u2019s so skilled, smart, and resourceful. (And, if he couldn\u2019t provide financially then I know we would find a way to make things work, together.) I adore so many things about him that might seem unremarkable to others, but to me they are adorable because they are what makes him him. <\/em>I find him incredibly attractive and love that our desire for each other is still so strong. His arms are where I feel safe, happy, and at peace. <\/p>\n\n\n\n So, as we approach our baby\u2019s birth coming up in the next month, I can say that things are definitely better than they were a few months ago. We are more of a team now, and I feel like he is treating me as a partner should. I have no hesitations about marrying him and continuing to build our life together. I believe in our future\u2014in our forever. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ve also learned that while being given reasons to stay is important, and necessary for a healthy partnership, there is also the other side of the coin to consider\u2014which is that staying is ultimately a choice and a commitment. I could have stayed with my ex-husband, and I believe that I could have found happiness with him again. Even though we had made a commitment to stay with each other forever, we both ended up making a different choice. At the time, it felt like the best choice for both of us, and we both made it willingly. It wasn\u2019t for lack of reasons to stay that I left, it was simply a choice. And it wasn\u2019t for lack of reasons to fight for me that he chose not to; that, too, was simply a choice. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Those choices have led me here, to Romeo. And this time, I want to choose to stay. Even if there are times when Romeo gives me less reasons to stay; even when he gives me reasons to leave. I want to stay, anyway. I don\u2019t want to throw away our commitment to each other when things get hard, or when I think there could be something \u201cbetter\u201d for me. Better can be what you make it, and I want to make us <\/em>better every day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I choose him and I am committed to him, and I know that I can find happiness with him even when things are far from perfect. Imperfection is life, and I can\u2019t control life. But I can control my own choices. As they say, the grass isn\u2019t always greener on the other side, but it is <\/em>greener where you water it. So I\u2019m going to grow a green-ass garden right where I am, with the person I have found and love, my Romeo. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Since my last post, things have gotten better with Romeo. Our relationship has continued to grow stronger, and Romeo has worked hard at his own growth as a partner. Several months ago, I told him about an attitude I try to embrace as a partner myself, which is that every day I try to give… Continue reading Reasons to stay.<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-130","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","entry"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/130","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=130"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/130\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":131,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/130\/revisions\/131"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=130"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=130"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=130"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}