Here we go again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My partner Romeo and I are trying to be ENM again. That\u2019s ethically non-monogamous, if you didn\u2019t know. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
What on Earth would possess me to open this can of worms again? It\u2019s a good question. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The last time we went down this road was a little over two years ago, and it ended in a total dumpster fire. We barely survived as a couple and there was emotional damage done that is still healing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But over the past few months, we\u2019ve been playing with the idea of having a threesome again, or maybe swinging. I didn\u2019t think it would really happen, but the fact that Romeo was showing interest in it was hard to put out of my mind. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The reality for me is that I don\u2019t think I would ever be truly happy being completely monogamous. It\u2019s hard to explain this to people who don\u2019t get it, but what it comes down to really is that when I\u2019m living an ENM lifestyle, I feel alive in ways that I just don\u2019t otherwise. I feel excited to be alive. Without it, I can be content with moments of excitement, and that was what I accepted when I agreed to be monogamous. It doesn\u2019t mean that there haven\u2019t been many times when I struggled with my choice. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
For the past two years, I\u2019ve joked a lot about feeling like a wild tiger being locked in a cage. The tiger accepted her domestication because she loves her zookeeper and she\u2019s treasured and well cared for. But she never stopped longing for the freedom of the wild\u2026 because you know what they say; a tiger doesn\u2019t change its stripes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So recently, the tiger started pawing at the bars. I finally gathered up the courage to just ask Romeo if there was any <\/em>way he would be comfortable with any <\/em>level of ENM in our relationship. I was basically begging him to reconsider it, because it\u2019s been some time since we made that decision and I was wondering if he\u2019d found any flexibility in his stance. The tiger was begging the zookeeper to open the gate so she could run, and promising that she would come back. To my great surprise, he said that he would be okay with swinging. He offered to take the tiger on a walk around the jungle, so to speak, as long as she agreed to wear a leash. <\/p>\n\n\n\n We talked a lot about it and we decided to start trying to meet people. We had a lot of fun at first, but then we hit a bit of a speed bump. Essentially, there was a couple we were talking to whom I was really vibing with, although Romeo felt lukewarm about it. We\u2019d made plans to meet, and Romeo was keeping an open mind. But then suddenly the female half of the couple decided she was too busy for a relationship right now. The guy said he was still interested in getting to know us if we wanted, but that he\u2019d understand if not. I really wanted to say yes because I was super into him. But Romeo wasn\u2019t comfortable with it, and I tried to be okay with saying goodbye. This was a very familiar feeling because of the experiences we had two years ago, which had similar outcomes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n That day, I was feeling very defeated in life. I felt like my hope had been taken away just as soon as it had been given. The tiger realized that wearing a leash wouldn\u2019t allow her to run, only walk; and that wasn\u2019t much better than being stuck in the cage. The taste of freedom was now more painful than if she\u2019d just stayed in her cage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n My emotions spiraled into the belief that I would never be able to be polyamorous with Romeo as my partner, and thus that I would never be happy in life. We talked about these things, and we had some emotional and heated discussions. It was hard, and painful, and scary; but it was different than last time. Romeo has grown so much emotionally since then, and I could tell how much effort he was putting in to making sure we didn\u2019t get into a really bad place. He didn\u2019t say things in the moment that made me afraid he was going to leave. He didn\u2019t pull away from me. He communicated his feelings honestly and openly. And I reaffirmed to him that I am not going anywhere. <\/p>\n\n\n\n At the end of it, we finally reached a resolution that feels genuinely good. Romeo gave me my freedom\u2014meaning he has agreed that I can explore other relationships freely\u2014and he told me that he would do his best to keep his feelings on the subject from negatively affecting me. That meant a lot to me, because it showed me that he fully understood where I was coming from. It wasn\u2019t what I wanted exactly\u2014I would much rather him just not have <\/em>negative feelings about being poly. But it was the most generous thing that he could reasonably offer. He can\u2019t help his feelings, but he can be careful about letting his feelings control his actions or become weapons to punish me. More important than that offer, though, was what he was able to share with me next. He told me what his preferred scenarios would be, and which ones would be more difficult for him to handle emotionally. He told me that his end goal was to be able to be fully poly again, someday, but that he needed time to get there. That information, paired with his support, changed everything for me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Now, it\u2019s not about me not being able to be poly because my partner will leave me if I am. It\u2019s not about me not being able to be poly because my partner will be cold and distant and depressed if I am. It\u2019s about me being able to be poly, but choosing to self-limit for a while. It\u2019s no longer about coercion; it\u2019s about me making decisions that are as balanced as possible between what we both want. This is about compromise, in a way that doesn\u2019t feel like a lose-lose. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In terms of self-limiting, I am currently focused on finding connections for me and Romeo as a couple. Would I love to go out and connect with others on my own? Sure. But that\u2019s not going to be good for Romeo. We are both aiming for that to be a thing that can happen in the future, but for right now, he would rather start slow and together. The fact that he is asking me for that, rather than telling me what I can and can\u2019t do, is a much better feeling. I know that if I do end up in a situation where I connect really well with somebody and Romeo isn\u2019t feeling it, or half of the couple changes their mind, I can still pursue it. I know that I won\u2019t have to cut off a potential connection for that reason again, and that gives me a lot of comfort. <\/p>\n\n\n\n So, that\u2019s where we are. We are working on getting out there again, and it\u2019s definitely harder to do as a couple. We\u2019ve already been ignored, ghosted, rejected, had our time wasted, and had to reject people. We\u2019re having to be very patient and practice our social-emotional skills a lot. But I can\u2019t help but feel that it will be worth the wait. <\/p>\n\n\n\n What it comes down to is that I\u2019m so happy to be let out of my cage, because this tiger is ready to hunt; and I can handle a challenge.\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Here we go again. My partner Romeo and I are trying to be ENM again. That\u2019s ethically non-monogamous, if you didn\u2019t know. What on Earth would possess me to open this can of worms again? It\u2019s a good question. The last time we went down this road was a little over two years ago, and… Continue reading This is a story about a tiger.<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-135","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","entry"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/135","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=135"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/135\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":137,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/135\/revisions\/137"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=135"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=135"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=135"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}