The past few days have been strangely transformative. Over the last month or so, I\u2019ve gone from ecstatic to miserable, then back again\u2026 and again and again. You may have noticed. \ud83d\ude02<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But this feels different. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yeah, I know, I know. I\u2019ve said that before. Poly be that way sometimes! Yet, I noticed a very specific shift that makes me think that this time, it means something. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Let\u2019s back it up. In my last post, I mentioned Jaime, Dakota, Wilbur, Richard, Gerry and Nadine, Jace and Kiley, and Danny. The shift that I noticed in the past couple of days is that for the first time, I want<\/em> to start narrowing our polycule down. I want to focus on the connections that I enjoy the most.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As such, we\u2019ve decided to move on from Danny and Jaime. As much as I think they are great guys, the timing hasn\u2019t worked well for Jaime and the chemistry isn\u2019t quite there with either of them. I was honestly bracing for a psychotic response when I let Danny know, because that\u2019s what I\u2019ve come to expect from a lot of men online. I was pleasantly surprised how respectful and cool he was about it. I always feel terrible rejecting people, so it\u2019s a relief when they are able to take it well. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Although he hasn\u2019t reacted to my message yet, I don\u2019t expect anything negative from Jaime. He is honestly one of the sweetest men I\u2019ve had the pleasure of getting to know. I very much hope that he finds what he\u2019s looking for, and that there will be no hard feelings between us. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Our connections with Wilbur and Richard are both fading organically, and we\u2019re okay with that. Wilbur is a truly great guy, and has unexpectedly good skills with the female body. Needless to say, we had a physically enjoyable time with him. But, once again, the chemistry isn\u2019t quite there for me. With Richard, I have mixed feelings, because I know we\u2019ll miss his energy but there\u2019s still something missing for me. He\u2019s fun and a wonderful person, but perhaps not a vital part of our polycule. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Nothing has really changed with Dakota. I\u2019m still slightly obsessed with him, but I\u2019m also more comfortable now with the limited nature of our relationship due to his schedule and obligations. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Jace and Kiley, unsurprisingly, are still amazing and I don\u2019t see them going anywhere for the foreseeable future, which makes both of us very happy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Gerry and Nadine are officially going to be separate relationships in my mind because our interactions with them are more individualized. Nadine has a challenging schedule to work with, and as a result she isn\u2019t often available to spend time with us. We do adore her, though, and look forward to the times we will get to see her. <\/p>\n\n\n\n With Gerry, things have progressed a lot because he\u2019s intentional about building something with us, and able to hang out more. He\u2019s been spending some days at our house, working and just keeping us company, really. The emotional connection and friendship between him and Romeo has especially flourished, and I\u2019ve started to feel some sparks with him of the romantic and sexual variety. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Yesterday, we took our relationship from platonic to very-not-platonic. I was excited but nervous for that to happen, because I knew that based on who we\u2019d come to know Gerry to be, he wouldn\u2019t just have \u201cbasic\u201d sex. We knew he\u2019d be intentional about connecting with us on a deeper level. Knowing how powerful that had the potential to be made me a bit nervous! I wasn\u2019t wrong about him, either. I can confidently say that our experience with him was the first time I would ever describe sex (with anyone other than Romeo) as making love. Just writing that gives me chills down my spine, in a very good way. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Gerry is such a safe, kind, and loving person that it’s only natural we would develop this kind of relationship with him. He\u2019s also HOT and really good with his\u2026 well, everything really (sexually speaking)! <\/p>\n\n\n\n Since my last post, I\u2019ve connected with more guys. Are we surprised? <\/p>\n\n\n\n The three guys whom I feel optimistic about will have the pseudonyms Jonas, Kameron, and Jamey. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Starting with Jonas\u2026 well, as I\u2019m writing this I\u2019m struggling a bit because on the one hand, he seems very sweet and I think he\u2019s quite cute. But on the other hand, Kameron and Jamey are setting the bar so fucking high that I\u2019m not sure I can justify exploring that relationship, given our limited time and energy.\u00a0I suppose we’ll have to see how we feel in the next few days.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I would be more than satisfied with Jace & Kiley, Dakota, Gerry, Nadine, Kameron, and Jamey as our polycule. Seven is a lucky number, after all! And at least two of them are on a \u201conce a month\u201d (or even less) schedule. It would definitely be a full plate, but in the best way. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Let’s talk about Kameron and Jamey. I\u2019m in trouble with these two, y\u2019all.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n Oh, Kameron, where to start? <\/p>\n\n\n\n Well, first of all, I\u2019ll start with \u201chi!\u201d because he is such an awesome person that he decided to read my blog, and I know he\u2019ll be reading this. Hi Kameron. \ud83d\ude18<\/p>\n\n\n\n Besides that specific factor, he has so many other things going for him. He and his wife have a very similar dynamic to me and Romeo, and he has an incredibly insightful understanding of the feelings that married men in poly can experience. I believe that he and Romeo could provide really good support for each other, if that friendship is able to develop naturally. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Kameron also has four kids, which means we can connect on the joys and struggles of parenting, not to mention how parenting interacts with navigating this lifestyle. I\u2019ve said it before and I\u2019ll say it again: DILFs are my kryptonite. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Aside from being a good person and a hot dad, he\u2019s also super compatible with what we\u2019re looking for, at least on paper. He answered all my screening questions well, and he\u2019s continued to be consistent over the few days that I\u2019ve been talking with him so far. You may think that \u201ca few days\u201d is an incredibly low bar, but I\u2019ve learned not to take even that for granted. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Lastly, but of vital importance, is the level of attraction I feel for him. This is the one thing nobody can control, or sometimes even explain. The combination of attraction and chemistry is basically a magical force. You can\u2019t force or control the magic, but when it\u2019s there it\u2019s, well, magical! With Kameron, I feel a very high level of attraction. He\u2019s sexy AF, people. He\u2019s definitely my type. And while we haven\u2019t met yet, I feel hopeful that our chemistry in person will be just as good. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The final guy I met, and the one who literally became the last guy I wanted to try to connect with on Feeld, is Jamey. There is something wildly poetic about him being the last one to make my search feel complete, because of his actual name and how similar it is to A) the name of the first guy I ever dated in poly and B) Romeo\u2019s name. It\u2019s like these names have marked significant chapters in my journey, and I can\u2019t help but feel that this is the beginning of a chapter of simply sitting back and enjoying what we\u2019ve found; our polycule.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Side note: I keep using the word \u201cpolycule,\u201d and I want to take a moment to define that before I go on to gush about Jamey. <\/p>\n\n\n\n A polycule is a polyamorous person\u2019s network of romantic and\/or sexual partners. They may or may not know each other, and each of those partners may have their own polycule as well. Polycules can change frequently, or remain stable for long periods of time, but mostly somewhere in between. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I love this word for a few reasons. One is that I love labels. I know a lot of people feel the opposite, but for me, labels give organization and clarity to things. I love the label of polycule because it sets a different intention than just calling them \u201cpeople you\u2019re dating.\u201d It suggests more close-knit and committed relationships. Commitment in this sense doesn\u2019t mean you are obligated to anyone; it just means that you willingly have chosen to care for this person and be in their life at this time. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Another reason I like using the word polycule is that it reflects my feelings of love for those people. Those feelings could be ranging anywhere from gentle affection, to fiery passion, to undying love–but they\u2019re all still forms of love. People in my polycule are \u201cmine\u201d in some way; not that I own them, or even that they owe me anything. But I choose to claim them as my own because I treasure having them in my life. That could change at any time of course; I don\u2019t use the word polycule to suggest a closed or static group. But at least for the time being, we have each other. <\/p>\n\n\n\n That was a long sidebar. Now, back to Jamey.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jamey is the person who was the fastest to ever get through my screening process. From the moment we connected online to the moment I decided I wanted to meet him, it was only a couple of hours. He is quite simply everything I have been looking for. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I am so incredibly attracted to him, and when I had the opportunity to meet him in person the very next day, I confirmed that the chemistry is there and strong. I haven\u2019t been this excited to have sex with someone since I met Romeo. I know it\u2019s going to be mind-blowing, and not because he needs to have any remarkable skills but just because of who he is and how we\u2019re starting to feel about each other. Just thinking about it makes my tummy do funny things, my heart beat faster, and my breathing to get heavier. It\u2019s crazy. I love it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I also hate it because I\u2019m scared. I know how quickly and easily things could go wrong. I know how disappointed I would feel if I found that this brand-new thing I have with Jamey is no different than the others, and if it falls apart the same way they all have. I was already starting to feel numb to anything positive because of all the negative I\u2019ve experienced. If this one gets added to the pile, it\u2019s going to take me down hard. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The result of my fear is that I\u2019m keeping myself from falling for him until we\u2019ve passed my new benchmarks. We have to have been seeing each other for two weeks and have had sex at least twice before I will allow my heart to go there. Until then, I\u2019m staying as guarded as I can. There\u2019s only so much I can do to protect myself, because no matter how hard I try, I can\u2019t make myself an emotionless robot. But I will do my best to keep my heart from breaking, again. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The past few days have been strangely transformative. Over the last month or so, I\u2019ve gone from ecstatic to miserable, then back again\u2026 and again and again. You may have noticed. \ud83d\ude02 But this feels different. Yeah, I know, I know. I\u2019ve said that before. Poly be that way sometimes! Yet, I noticed a very… Continue reading This is a story of pieces falling into place.\u00a0<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-187","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","entry"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/187","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=187"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/187\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":190,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/187\/revisions\/190"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=187"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=187"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=187"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}