{"id":215,"date":"2025-02-08T21:47:05","date_gmt":"2025-02-08T21:47:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/?p=215"},"modified":"2025-02-08T21:47:05","modified_gmt":"2025-02-08T21:47:05","slug":"this-is-a-story-about-my-dating-process","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/2025\/02\/08\/this-is-a-story-about-my-dating-process\/","title":{"rendered":"This is a story about my dating process."},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Hot off the heels of my last post, I bring to you this special post about my online dating process!\u00a0And yes, I need a process. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Poly is hard. Online dating is hard. Online dating as a poly person is insanity. And yet, I persist. Truth be told, as frustrating as it can be, it\u2019s also pretty fun in its way.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">As a woman, I have the luxury of a plethora of matches to sort through. On the app I use, Feeld, there is a \u201cfeed\u201d section and a \u201clikes\u201d section to look through. The feed consists of profiles that match your search parameters, based on things like distance and interests. The likes section consists of people who have already liked your profile, giving you an opportunity to like them back or pass (or do nothing). I mainly focus on my feed because people in my likes section are rarely within my desired parameters. <em>Anybody<\/em> can like me, and people tend to spam the \u201clike\u201d button just hoping for a single match.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">When I\u2019m browsing, I have a number of things that I look for to determine if I want to \u201clike\u201d somebody else\u2019s profile. First, I have a list of things that are immediate disqualifiers.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Currently those disqualifiers include:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>They\u2019re not local.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>They have little to nothing written on their profile.&nbsp;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>They have no pictures of their face.&nbsp;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>They have pictures of their dick (including through underwear, pants, etc.)<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>They have sexually explicit pictures. Why put that out there for just anyone? This is a clear indicator that they\u2019re just fucking around.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>They have multiple pictures of themselves flexing.&nbsp;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>They are extremely chiseled. Frankly, I prefer a softer \u201cdad bod\u201d over a super buff aesthetic. In my experience, men who spend that much time on maintaining an aggressively masculine image usually aren\u2019t the kind I want to date.&nbsp;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>They have pictures of themselves smoking or drinking. I don\u2019t mind if they use cannabis or drink, but it shouldn\u2019t be their whole personality to the point where they\u2019re using it as a profile picture.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>They say they want a \u201clow-pressure\u201d or \u201cno expectations\u201d connection. This is code for being unable to meet even minimal expectations, and not wanting to try.&nbsp;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>They say they\u2019re \u201chere for a good time, not a long time,\u201d or not looking for anything \u201cserious.\u201d Once again, this indicates that they do not want a real relationship, just easy sex. Not for me.&nbsp;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>They use vague phrases like \u201clooking to meet people and see where things go,\u201d or \u201clooking for like-minded\/open-minded individuals.\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>They mention the size of their dick, or describe themselves as \u201chung.\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>They call themselves a \u201cbull\u201d or \u201cdaddy.\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>They only talk about sex in their profile, and\/or their focus is on BDSM.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>They have comments in their bio that indicate a lack of body positivity, such as stating they are looking for \u201cfit\u201d individuals, which is code for \u201cnot fat.\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>I can\u2019t see myself being attracted to them.&nbsp;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>They say they want to leave politics out of their conversations. That means they\u2019re conservatives, and <em>that<\/em> means we can\u2019t be friends; ditto for saying they don\u2019t care about your vax status.&nbsp;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>They have an inordinate amount of grammatical and spelling errors, to the point that I need to question their intelligence and maturity.&nbsp;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>They\u2019re straight. (Okay, I let this one slide <em>usually<\/em> but it does deduct points). I will definitely ask questions to make sure they\u2019re not <em>toxically<\/em> straight.&nbsp;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Their name is Josh, Brandon, Jake, or Alex or any variation of it. (Mostly kidding\u2026)<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The survivors of that round of screening can then be assessed for overall attraction level, personality, and common interests. I need to reject profiles for people I don\u2019t feel at least a little attracted to, as well as those with interests that are vastly different than ours. I also look for a sense of their personality, although it\u2019s hard to tell with just a profile and some pictures; I often reserve judgment on this until we\u2019ve started chatting.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">After I like a profile, I have to wait for them to like me back. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don\u2019t; there is no way to see your liked profiles, so no way to easily track who you\u2019re hoping will like you back. In 99% of cases, I don\u2019t remember anything about their profile when someone likes me back and we connect, so I have to review it again to help me with our conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Once we are connected (both liked each other\u2019s profiles), I almost always wait for them to message me first. This isn\u2019t a principle thing, it\u2019s a practicality thing. I have dozens of connections and I don\u2019t want to waste my time talking to every single one of them. I\u2019d rather wait to see who\u2019s motivated enough to message me first.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">In our chat, the first thing I\u2019m looking for is the \u201csecret phrase\u201d from my profile, which lets me know that they actually read it or at least skimmed it. If they don\u2019t use the phrase, I don\u2019t respond. If a chat gets going, I\u2019m looking for kindness, clarity, and banter. I\u2019m evaluating their communication level and consistency. I\u2019m giving them time to disqualify themselves, if they\u2019re the kind of people who need to be disqualified. Unsolicited dick pics, requests for sexy pictures, jumping into sexting too quickly, or just acting really fucking weird are all reasons to say goodbye.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I also use our chat to get to know them and decide if we could be compatible, at least on paper. I have an FAQ PDF that gives prospective partners information about us and our approach to poly, which is required reading. If they have positive things to say about the PDF, I ask them a bunch of questions. I ask about their schedule to see if ours aligns. I ask about their intentions, which unfortunately many of them lie about. I ask about their sexual interests and more importantly, their sexual safety practices. If they are able to answer all of my questions satisfactorily, I\u2019ll offer to move our chat off of Feeld and try to schedule a time to meet.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">One new rule I have is that I like to wait at least a week after connecting before meeting up in person. This helps screen out any people who were just looking for a quick thing, and aren\u2019t going to be consistent long-term. If they show me that they still want to keep talking to me after a week, then we can meet. They also need to provide their most recent STI testing results, usually before we meet but sometimes we\u2019ll wait to ask for this until after the first time we\u2019ve met.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If a guy or couple gets to the stage of actually meeting, you\u2019d think that we\u2019d be off to a pretty promising start. Unfortunately, while only a very small proportion of connections get through to this point, even then I have found that the majority won\u2019t last.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">When we meet, I&#8217;m mainly looking for chemistry. Are they easy to talk to? Do we have things to talk about? Do they seem into me, and\/or Romeo? Am I still attracted to them in person? Usually, people do pass this stage, because I\u2019m really open-minded about dating and I don\u2019t usually reject people unless I have a good reason. Sometimes there\u2019s just <em>no <\/em>chemistry here, and I have to call it, but that\u2019s pretty rare.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If there\u2019s some chemistry, I\u2019ll usually kiss them the first time we meet. Ditto for Romeo if there\u2019s a woman or a bi\/pansexual guy involved. But we try very hard not to give in to temptation to do anything sexual on the first \u201cdate.\u201d Occasionally (looking at you, Dylan!) the chemistry is just too overpowering and we break our own rules, but this is also very rare.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The second time we meet, we are open to being intimate, but only \u201csoft\u201d activities (no intercourse and definitely no oral, which we reserve for long-term partners). The third time we meet, we are open to having sex, as long as we\u2019ve continued to feel positive about the relationship. In order to feel positive about a relationship, I need the other person to be reciprocating and at times initiating conversations, being emotionally supportive when needed, and continuing to progress our friendship as well as our romantic relationship. I need to feel good things from them, basically.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Our process has grown and evolved significantly over the past weeks and months. My hope is that by setting higher standards, we will get better results and not so many unpleasant incidents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I consider myself open-minded, kind, considerate, and a good communicator. I don\u2019t ghost people, period. I don\u2019t stand people up. I don\u2019t lie about my intentions, or try to pressure people into anything. I feel like these are just the ingredients for basic human decency, and yet so many of the people I talk to in the online dating world do not have those characteristics.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It\u2019s a jungle out there, and I really am not exaggerating when I say it sometimes feels like I\u2019m wading through a swamp.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">To illustrate my point, I present to you my latest Bottom of the Barrel connection. Usually I put these at the beginning of my posts, but this one felt like a great finale for this particular post.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I started talking to this guy the other day and it quickly got\u2026 weird. At first I thought maybe he was just a little awkward, but it quickly became apparent that it was much worse than that. I\u2019m not entirely confident that this profile isn\u2019t just a bot of some kind, but I\u2019m not sure what the purpose of that would be. It felt as if his responses were a bit random and unrelated to what I had just said. Ultimately, he got really gross and I think you can all join me in collectively agreeing that this conversation would be best described as \u201cew.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"height:50px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"551\" height=\"1024\" src=\"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/IMG_8837-551x1024.jpeg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-217\" style=\"width:452px\" srcset=\"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/IMG_8837-551x1024.jpeg 551w, https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/IMG_8837-162x300.jpeg 162w, https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/IMG_8837-768x1426.jpeg 768w, https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/IMG_8837-827x1536.jpeg 827w, https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/IMG_8837-1103x2048.jpeg 1103w, https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/IMG_8837.jpeg 1107w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 551px) 100vw, 551px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"804\" height=\"1024\" src=\"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/IMG_8836-804x1024.jpeg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-218\" style=\"width:450px\" srcset=\"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/IMG_8836-804x1024.jpeg 804w, https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/IMG_8836-236x300.jpeg 236w, https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/IMG_8836-768x978.jpeg 768w, https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/IMG_8836.jpeg 1169w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 804px) 100vw, 804px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"703\" height=\"1024\" src=\"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/IMG_8835-703x1024.jpeg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-219\" style=\"width:450px\" srcset=\"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/IMG_8835-703x1024.jpeg 703w, https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/IMG_8835-206x300.jpeg 206w, https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/IMG_8835-768x1119.jpeg 768w, https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/IMG_8835-1054x1536.jpeg 1054w, https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/IMG_8835.jpeg 1170w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 703px) 100vw, 703px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"655\" height=\"1024\" src=\"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/IMG_8834-655x1024.jpeg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-220\" style=\"width:450px\" srcset=\"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/IMG_8834-655x1024.jpeg 655w, https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/IMG_8834-192x300.jpeg 192w, https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/IMG_8834-768x1201.jpeg 768w, https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/IMG_8834-983x1536.jpeg 983w, https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/IMG_8834.jpeg 1170w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 655px) 100vw, 655px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"height:50px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I wonder, does this method ever work for this guy? I sure hope not. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Jude, I suggest that you go learn how to talk to humans before attempting to date one. Because, this? This is gross. Please stop.  <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Hot off the heels of my last post, I bring to you this special post about my online dating process!\u00a0And yes, I need a process. Poly is hard. Online dating is hard. Online dating as a poly person is insanity. And yet, I persist. Truth be told, as frustrating as it can be, it\u2019s also&hellip; <a class=\"more-link\" href=\"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/2025\/02\/08\/this-is-a-story-about-my-dating-process\/\">Continue reading <span class=\"screen-reader-text\">This is a story about my dating process.<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-215","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","entry"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/215","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=215"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/215\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":221,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/215\/revisions\/221"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=215"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=215"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=215"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}