Candidate three in my \u201cProject Butterflies\u201d search is a guy I\u2019m calling Adrian.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Adrian is, at the time of this writing, a bit of an enigma. Honestly, I feel a bit bad even writing this post, because I really don\u2019t know how this one is going to pan out. I could end up having a very successful relationship with Adrian! But right now, at least, I\u2019m thoroughly uncertain about what to expect when we meet for the first time tomorrow. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Obviously, this post could be pretty uncomfortable for Adrian to read\u2014 which I know he\u2019s probably going to do immediately after I post it. I don\u2019t want to make him self-conscious. But, I also have an honesty policy when it comes to my blog, because I want to share the real and complete picture of what it\u2019s like to date as a woman today, and specifically as a poly person. These stories must be told! And so, here we go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My conversation with Adrian started off pretty normally, with him sharing a bit about his day and asking me questions about mine. He has been consistent with asking me questions, as well as following up on my responses, which shows me that he\u2019s genuinely interested in getting to know me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
He\u2019s also been very proactive about assuring me of his intentions. He\u2019s said that he really wants to learn more about me, that I don\u2019t have to worry about scaring him off by over-communicating, that he wants me to be comfortable, and that he\u2019s very transparent. He\u2019s also assured me a lot that he\u2019s really into me and super excited to meet me, and that he already feels a really special connection with me. He\u2019s even read all of my blog posts here, and had a lot to say about how he would be different than the other guys I\u2019ve written about. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Those are all really great things! But\u2026 there\u2019s something that feels potentially off to me. It feels as if his assurances are a bit excessive, to the point that it makes me wonder if he\u2019s overcompensating. A \u201cgood guy\u201d doesn\u2019t need to assure you that he\u2019s a \u201cgood guy\u201d\u2014 he just shows you. Is there some reason that Adrian feels the need to try so hard to convince me that he can offer what I\u2019m looking for? I\u2019m not trying to find a reason not to like him, truly. But my intuition is giving me a caution sign. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
One possibility is that he\u2019s just an awkward communicator. Maybe he gets awkward when communicating with women he\u2019s interested in, especially. That wouldn\u2019t be unusual; who doesn\u2019t get a little nervous and awkward sometimes around someone they\u2019re super into? I myself have definitely had my fair share of awkward moments, so I\u2019m not judging. It\u2019s even possible that he\u2019s on the autism spectrum, and that\u2019s causing his texts to feel a little off at times. I have zero problems with dating someone on the spectrum\u2014diagnosed or not. I have some autistic traits myself, as do many people in my life. It\u2019s just something that could change our vibe in ways that I may find a bit off-putting at times. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Some of the things I\u2019ve noticed that give weight to this theory are the way he tends to over clarify things, especially jokes. If he makes a joke, he almost always follows it up by telling me that it\u2019s a joke (even when it was quite obvious). He overuses a few specific emojis, as well, which is actually kind of endearing. He particularly likes this one:\u00a0\ud83d\ude0fand this one: \ud83d\ude08. This isn\u2019t a criticism, it\u2019s just an observation I\u2019ve made.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Another quirk I\u2019ve noticed is that he has a tendency to say things in a way that he intends to be flirty, but can come off as a bit overbearing or presumptuous. I\u2019ve had to point it out a few times. For example, he once said that if he was available at the time he would\u2019ve \u201ctold\u201d me to meet up with him. \u201cI would have asked if you wanted to meet up\u201d would have been so much better. He also suggested that I send him sexy pics, after we\u2019d been flirting back and forth for a bit. My Spidey senses start tingling when a new guy directly asks <\/em>orsuggests<\/em>, rather than invites <\/em>me to send him something spicy. I played along for a bit, but he pushed for more revealing pics and I pivoted away. The next day, it got worse when he sent me something (not a problem and not unwanted), and then told me to send him something back. <\/em>Talk about a *record scratch* moment.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n To his credit, when I told him why that wasn\u2019t cool with me he immediately apologized and told me what he would do differently in the future. I was happy to chalk it up to a miscommunication and move on. <\/p>\n\n\n\n There have been a few other things that have rubbed me the wrong way. When we were starting to get flirty and talk about sex, he suggested getting a hotel on our first date. That felt like way too much, too fast, considering I was already uncertain about the vibes. He was very gracious when I said I didn\u2019t want to do that, however. He has always been very receptive to feedback and seems willing to hear me and correct things as needed when I have a problem. Most of the other somewhat \u201coff\u201d things have been in that same vein: essentially, it\u2019s been a weird combination of seeming overly presumptuous about some things, yet surprisingly cautious and unassuming about other things. It\u2019s made it pretty challenging for me to get a good read on him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The more I think about it, the more I think that his communication style is just on a slightly different wavelength than mine. Everything he\u2019s said and the way he\u2019s acted thus far have been overall very positive, complimentary, and encouraging. I don\u2019t want it to seem like I\u2019m nitpicking, because that\u2019s not it at all. I\u2019m honing in on small details because that\u2019s what I have to do, as a woman, to navigate the dating world as safely as possible. I\u2019m not holding these things against him. I\u2019m just using them as data points to analyze the situation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Adrian also asked me not to write about him on my blog, which again triggered an alert in my head. Any time a guy asks me not to write about him, I can\u2019t help but feel irritated. Any guy who asks this knows I\u2019m a blogger who writes about my dating life; so where does he get the audacity to ask to be the exception? And more importantly, what is he afraid I\u2019m going to write about him? If he doesn\u2019t want to be held accountable for his words and actions, he really picked the wrong girl to date. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In Adrian\u2019s case, though, I once again don\u2019t think that he had any malicious intentions behind this request. I think it\u2019s most likely that he simply doesn\u2019t realize how his words might land, especially for someone like me who is hypersensitive when it comes to communication. Of course it\u2019s also possible that my intuition is spot on, and he may turn out to be full of shit or just plain creepy. The only way for me to solve the mystery is to go on this date tomorrow and find out what he\u2019s like in person. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I really only need to answer one very important question tomorrow: does he give me the ick? Because if he does, regardless of whether his intentions are pure or not, there can be no moving forward with him. The ick is like the opposite of butterflies. And like butterflies, it often isn\u2019t in anyone\u2019s control whether they give that feeling to others or not. It\u2019s all a part of a mostly inexplicable and often irrational factor, which nevertheless is essential and inescapable in romantic\/sexual relationships. That factor, of course, is chemistry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n With that being said: Hi Adrian! I hope you don\u2019t get offended by this post, and know that I\u2019m legitimately excited about our date tomorrow. I hope that my intuition is picking up on something harmless, and that I\u2019ll feel nothing but good vibes with you. From what I can tell you\u2019re a good guy, and if that\u2019s true then all you need to do is be yourself and trust that if<\/em> we\u2019re meant to be together, then we will be. See you soon, cutie.\u00a0\ud83d\ude18<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Candidate three in my \u201cProject Butterflies\u201d search is a guy I\u2019m calling Adrian. Adrian is, at the time of this writing, a bit of an enigma. Honestly, I feel a bit bad even writing this post, because I really don\u2019t know how this one is going to pan out. I could end up having a… Continue reading This is the story of an enigma.<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-296","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","entry"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/296","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=296"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/296\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":297,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/296\/revisions\/297"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=296"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=296"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=296"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}