{"id":337,"date":"2026-04-08T07:10:53","date_gmt":"2026-04-08T07:10:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/?p=337"},"modified":"2026-04-08T07:10:53","modified_gmt":"2026-04-08T07:10:53","slug":"this-is-a-story-of-labels-overthinking-and-just-letting-go","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/2026\/04\/08\/this-is-a-story-of-labels-overthinking-and-just-letting-go\/","title":{"rendered":"This is a story of labels, overthinking, and just letting go."},"content":{"rendered":"\n

This week, I hit my six month-iversary with my girlfriend Audrey! It\u2019s really exciting to reach this milestone, and see our actual time together starting to reflect how long it feels like it\u2019s been. It feels like I\u2019ve known her and loved her for a long time, which is probably related to how accelerated things were in the beginning. Moving fast is where my comfort zone is, and Audrey was so willing to roll with it! The result is that we got to spend a lot of time together early-on in our real<\/em> lives, instead of more isolated to a bubble of dating and early relationship vibes. Now that we\u2019re established, we\u2019re really finding our flow together. I\u2019m grateful every day for the gift of this woman in my life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The men in my life are more complicated, of course. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Chase and I are continuing to make adjustments to our relationship dynamic, and continuing to have important conversations about how we\u2019re both feeling. For now, we\u2019ve landed on spending a little<\/em> less time together (going from every week to every other week but reinstating sleepovers), and potentially trying to connect more over the phone between times we see each other. We love each other, but it\u2019s been confusing to both of us to try to define what that love looks like or should be labeled. Yes, we went for the boyfriend\/girlfriend label pretty early in our relationship, about a month after we met and two weeks after our first date. But there has been some struggle with defining what that means in practice, and particularly with defining what kind<\/em> of love is between us. When two overthinkers get together, this is the kind of thing that happens.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For Chase, romantic love seems hard to define. To be fair, romantic love can be hard to define for polyamorous people in general, myself included. For monogamous people, two of the biggest characteristics of what we typically think of as \u201cromantic\u201d love are the desire to be exclusive, and planning for a life and future together. But for truly polyamorous people, being monogamous is never going to be the goal. And poly people don\u2019t typically build their future with and around all<\/em> of their partners. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Many poly people are \u201cpartnered,\u201d as opposed to \u201csolo poly\u201d people; that means that they have a spouse, life partner, and\/or nesting partner. Some partnered poly people are hierarchical and some are not, but from what I\u2019ve seen, no matter what structure or philosophy they apply to their relationships, partnered poly people tend to plan their lives primarily with their spouse\/life partner\/nesting partner. Things like where to live, what career paths to take, decisions about pets in the home, and possibly family planning are most often (but not always) decided between partners who already have many aspects of their lives blended. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Chase and I have very separate lives, and haven\u2019t talked about our future as a couple beyond establishing that we (obviously) aren\u2019t on the relationship escalator. The path from dating to cohabitating to marriage, and possibly to raising kids, is clearly not<\/em> a path we\u2019re on. Romeo is my spouse and chosen life partner, and Lila is Chase\u2019s. I already have my family, and if Chase decides to have kids someday then that will be a journey he takes with Lila. There aren\u2019t really any tangible steps forward or milestones to move towards in our relationship, and without those things it can feel like there\u2019s no real level of commitment either. At times, the lack of a future and commitment can really feel super not romantic.   <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Despite the impossibility of traditional progression, though, I believe it\u2019s still possible to have a loving committed long-term relationship that feels secure. I have a sense of security in my relationships with Romeo, Benny, and Audrey that comes from knowing that we\u2019re on the same page about wanting to be together forever. But with Chase, things are very different! I don\u2019t have any sense of security in a future that includes him– even though I really hope it does. The lack of security is certainly one of the reasons I have held my heart back from loving him as fully as I\u2019d like to. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Without exclusivity, future-planning, commitment, and security, it can be pretty hard to distinguish romantic love from other kinds. But there are other romantic characteristics that can show up in polyamory. There are things like chemical attraction, sexual compatibility, passion, and craving the other person\u2019s presence or touch. There\u2019s a sense of longing to be with the other person, of missing them when you aren\u2019t together, and of comfort and rightness that comes with being around them. There\u2019s flirting, banter, compliments, laughter, trust, emotional vulnerability and support, special celebrations, mutual understanding, and shared experiences. And we can\u2019t forget the roles of reciprocity and matching energy. There are so many things that, when put together, can make a relationship romantic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The variety of combinations of characteristics and expressions that romance can take is actually huge. Perhaps in our mononormative society, we\u2019ve lost sight of the diversity of what love can look like. In fact, the concept of romantic<\/em> love isn\u2019t even a universal construct. Ancient Greek philosophy identified the types of love as:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n
  1. Eros \u2014 Sexual and passionate love<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  2. Philia \u2014 Love between friends based on deep trust and mutual respect<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  3. Storge \u2014 Love between family members<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  4. Agape \u2014 Unconditional, selfless love for everyone and everything<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  5. Ludus \u2014 Playful love that involves flirting and casual relationships<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  6. Pragma \u2014 Long-lasting love grounded in commitment, duty and responsibility<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  7. Philautia \u2014 Self-love and self-compassion<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  8. Mania \u2014 Obsessive, jealous love<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    What we think of as a \u201cromantic relationship\u201d today is really a combination of many of these \u201cflavors\u201d of love. For example, my relationship with Romeo includes eros, philia, storge, ludus, pragma, and aspects of agape. Romeo is my lover, my friend, my family, my playmate, my life partner, and someone whom I love unconditionally. Yet other romantic relationships may include fewer of these types of love. Even within a single relationship, the love between the people may feel romantic for one person but not for another– even though the experience in the relationship is tangibly the same. A FWB relationship may feel romantic for one person but not another. Some marriages may not feel romantic at all for one or both parties. A romantic partner relationship may have more attraction, longing, or commitment from one person than the other.  There\u2019s no criteria or test to determine if a person\u2019s feelings are romantic, because the definition of romantic love isn\u2019t any one clear thing. It\u2019s a phenomenon that every person has to define for themselves.    <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    With Chase, I think the key is for us to both stop overthinking. Ultimately, my love for him is romantic because that\u2019s how I feel. He\u2019s a friend, but he\u2019s also more than that. He\u2019s a sexual partner, but he\u2019s also more than that. He\u2019s at times an obsession, but he\u2019s also more than that. I like how I feel when I\u2019m with him, the sound of his voice, his sense of humor, the way we understand each other, how he still makes me nervous, and the energy that flows between us when we touch. He may feel some of those things and not others, and\/or he may feel other things that I don\u2019t feel as strongly. Maybe for him, it doesn\u2019t feel like it fits his definition of \u201cromantic\u201d– and that would suck to hear, ngl. But it doesn\u2019t actually change anything, when it comes down to it. I like what we have, and as long as he does too, then our relationship can continue. We can both feel however we feel without concern that the other person isn\u2019t matching it. What really matters, ultimately, isn\u2019t how we conceptualize our feelings or relationship, but the actual \u201cingredients\u201d that we\u2019ve decided to include.   <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Labels are something that I have used to try to protect my heart. They can be shorthand for the dynamics and feelings in a relationship, which helps me to know what to expect. But they also give me a sense of security. When I have a label for someone, they are my<\/em> something. My lover, my boyfriend, my domme, my husband, my FWB. In any case, they\u2019re mine in some capacity, and that makes me feel like our connection matters to both of us. It makes me feel special and wanted. Yet, when I can\u2019t use the label that I want to use with someone (such as boyfriend vs FWB or playmate), it can feel really disappointing and insecure. Even if a relationship is logistically everything I want, without the label I feel less safe. I\u2019ve been afraid to invest too much emotionally in anyone, but especially partners who aren\u2019t excited about giving us a label, because I\u2019ve been hurt so many times before. But by holding myself back, I\u2019m missing out on fully experiencing and enjoying the love and joy that is available to me. This struggle has often left me wondering if focusing too much on labels is actually helping or hindering my relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Thinking about this led me to see the philosophy of relationship anarchy in a new light. The term relationship anarchy (RA) didn\u2019t resonate with me before, but now I\u2019m beginning to understand the beauty and simplicity of it.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    One manifesto on Relationship Anarchy includes the following key concepts:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \n
    1. Love is abundant (sound familiar?!)<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    2. Every relationship is unique and customizable<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    3. Love, respect, autonomy, and communication are key<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

      Some relationship anarchists use labels and some don\u2019t. What matters isn\u2019t the label itself, though; it\u2019s whatever the people in the relationship have defined that label as, for them. A common way of applying RA in practice involves using something called a \u201crelationship smorgasbord,\u201d which is basically a menu of the many aspects that could be included in a relationship. To define a relationship, two people can look through this \u201cmenu\u201d and choose which aspects they\u2019d like to include. It\u2019s like a choose-your-own-adventure book for dating, partnerships, and love! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Looking at things this way is a tool that I have found helpful to quiet my overthinking mind. My relationship with Chase includes many things, and while I still find the boyfriend-girlfriend labels to be comforting and reassuring, I know that the most important part of the recipe isn\u2019t the title, but the ingredients. The same can be said for my relationship with Casey. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

      With Enzo, I feel that our label is very clear and consistent with how I expect a comet partner relationship to be. With Noah, I feel that our label of FWB also fits very comfortably for now, though I could see him as more of a play partner (more emphasis on the sex than the friendship) as things progress. I could easily imagine calling Patrick my boyfriend after we\u2019ve spent more time together, even though my relationship with him is very different from my relationships with Benny and Chase– which are also very different from each other! I could see Luca fitting in my life as a FWB, with more emphasis on the friendship than the benefits.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      My relationship with Casey, though, has been even more confusing than Chase. With him, RA feels like an extremely helpful way to approach things. Our relationship includes aspects of romance, sex, friendship, physical affection, and emotional support. We talk every day, sometimes a lot and sometimes a little. We\u2019re in the process of figuring out what cadence works for us in terms of spending time together. Our relationship doesn\u2019t currently include labels or commitment, as I\u2019ve mentioned; the kitchen table dynamics with him and my family are minimal; and domestic routines (like doing chores together, having sleepovers, going on trips, etc.) aren\u2019t really our jam. Since those are things that matter to me a lot in a romantic relationship, I know that with Casey it\u2019s best for me to modulate my feelings and not invest more emotionally than I\u2019m willing to lose. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

      With all of my partners, I\u2019m learning how to overthink less and stay in the moment more. Letting go of fear and people-pleasing is a challenge I\u2019m working on. My reward for doing this emotional work will hopefully be enjoying fulfilling relationships that bring me love and joy instead of stress and disappointment, regardless of what we call it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

      When it comes to love, I’ll take anarchy over orderly any day. I don’t want my love to be boxed and labeled. I want it abundant and free. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      This week, I hit my six month-iversary with my girlfriend Audrey! It\u2019s really exciting to reach this milestone, and see our actual time together starting to reflect how long it feels like it\u2019s been. It feels like I\u2019ve known her and loved her for a long time, which is probably related to how accelerated things… Continue reading This is a story of labels, overthinking, and just letting go.<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-337","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","entry"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/337","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=337"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/337\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":338,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/337\/revisions\/338"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=337"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=337"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=337"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}