What is my life now?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The short answer is, I feel like I\u2019m living for the times I can be with Romeo.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What about the times in between? I\u2019m existing. Just existing. Maintaining things\u2014my life, my family, my house, my responsibilities. Of course, I need this time without Romeo to maintain things. Or at least I thought I did. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
If he was with me all of the time, we would have to set boundaries on ourselves to make sure we\u2019re actually getting things done. Which, incidentally, we got to try out yesterday because he had a full work day and worked remotely from my house. It was actually quite successful. He worked, I got stuff done around the house, and we had brief visits throughout the day for kisses, snacks, and just saying hi.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So, there\u2019s that. The theory that we \u201cneed\u201d time apart to be productive is officially debunked. We can be productive together, as long as we designate the time appropriately.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is highly unfortunate, because while previously, I suspected this would be the case, now I know it for sure. I can no longer put a positive spin on our time apart by saying we need it to get things done. I now know that if we were together all the time\u2014for instance, if we lived together\u2014then we\u2019d be perfectly functional and capable of balancing things. We\u2019d just be happier all the time, because we\u2019d be together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My life now is 70% missing<\/em> Romeo, and 30% being<\/em> with<\/em> Romeo.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In the 70%, I keep busy. That\u2019s my best coping mechanism. And yes, I now need a coping mechanism. Honestly, I\u2019ve needed it pretty much from the start with him, because we fell in love so fast and the addiction wasn\u2019t far behind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I cope with the visceral pain of missing him by keeping busy. I have a husband, three kids, two dogs, a cat, a pony, (and soon, a bird), and a pretty big house to maintain, not to mention myself to maintain, so it\u2019s not that hard to keep busy. I also have hobbies. I like writing (obviously), and reading, and watching TV, and organizing. I sometimes enjoy painting. I like being active\u2014going on bike rides, rollerblading, dancing, doing yoga, walking the dogs. I have plenty to do, in other words. And that\u2019s a very good thing because I find that I need to be continuously doing something in order to feel okay when I\u2019m not with the other half of my heart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes, I wish I never found him. That\u2019s a terrible thing to feel, because he\u2019s the best thing that\u2019s ever happened to me. I love him so much it\u2019s insane. He\u2019s everything to me. But it\u2019s so much. It\u2019s a lot, truly. I sometimes look back at my perfectly content life before him, and I wish I could go back to that simplicity. I was blissfully ignorant of all that I was missing, with Romeo. I was blissfully ignorant of his existence in the world. Now I found him and I have him, and he\u2019s just consumed me entirely and it\u2019s overwhelming.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That being said, I don\u2019t want to paint things in a negative or unhealthy light. These things I\u2019m expressing are feelings<\/em>. They\u2019re not a fair representation of how I\u2019m actually going about my life right now. I\u2019m not walking around listless and miserable when we\u2019re apart, and I\u2019m not ignoring or neglecting my family, or taking them for granted. I still enjoy other people, as well\u2014my friends and family. I love my husband and my children more than life itself. I want to be with them all of the time, as well. They are my world! So it\u2019s not that I am literally having tunnel-vision for Romeo and seeing nothing else in my life. He\u2019s just where the spotlight is shining right now, because I finally found him and my soul is rejoicing at being reunited with its long-lost lover. (Please pardon my extremely corny romantic notions, but that\u2019s really how I feel!)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Practically speaking, I\u2019m perfectly functional. But emotionally, I miss him so much it hurts all the time. Sometimes, by staying busy, I can almost \u201cforget\u201d about him for short periods of time and it fades into a duller ache of missing him that I can almost<\/em> ignore. Then there are things that just gut-punch me with yearning for him, and fortunately\/unfortunately they are all over my house because he\u2019s spent so much time here that his presence has permeated my space. Honestly, I\u2019m not complaining about any of it, though. This love is worth everything, and I want as much of it as I can get.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I don\u2019t know if these feelings will fade in time, if I won\u2019t need him or miss him as much. I can\u2019t truthfully say that I wish for that to happen, because it makes me sad to think about not wanting him as much as I do now. And if I don\u2019t miss him as much, doesn\u2019t that mean I don\u2019t want him as much? And if I don\u2019t want him as much, will he not want me as much? I don\u2019t know, but I wouldn\u2019t tame the intensity of our relationship even if I could. We are a fire, and I just want it to keep on burning, endlessly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Still, it is hard living this way. I just don\u2019t see any solution. I either have to accept that this is my life forever now, or I have to allow\/accept our feelings for each other calming down, or I have to get more of him somehow. I really don\u2019t want the second thing to happen, and I really don\u2019t think the third is possible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You see, he has a family as well. I\u2019m never leaving mine, and he\u2019s probably never leaving his either. I wouldn\u2019t want<\/em> him to leave his family, to be clear, unless it was the best choice for the happiness of everyone involved. And by \u201cleave\u201d I mean not living with them, not walking away from them by any means. He\u2019s an amazing husband and father, and his family is just as important to him as mine is to me, which means his family is also important to me and vice versa. Just needed to clarify that!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Anyway. As such, living together just isn\u2019t possible without both of us moving so we can all <\/em>live together, and that\u2019s a lot<\/em> of moving parts. It\u2019s also financially unattainable in this housing market. And, it would be a huge sacrifice for me because I love<\/em> my house. It was literally built for my family. Leaving it would quite possibly break my heart. \ud83d\ude41<\/p>\n\n\n\n So there\u2019s the UGHHHHH part of all of this. Living together is the only way I can get enough of him for my satisfaction, but there are so many barriers to that as to make it basically impossible and never-gonna-happen. Which means one thing\u2026 I have to accept that this <\/em>is my life now. This. The 70% and the 30%. The joy and the pain, endlessly cycling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Thus was the tragedy of Juliet and her Romeo.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" What is my life now? The short answer is, I feel like I\u2019m living for the times I can be with Romeo. What about the times in between? I\u2019m existing. Just existing. Maintaining things\u2014my life, my family, my house, my responsibilities. Of course, I need this time without Romeo to maintain things. Or at least… Continue reading This is the story of UGGHHHH.<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-96","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","entry"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/96","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=96"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/96\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":98,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/96\/revisions\/98"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=96"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=96"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/abundantandfree.love\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=96"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}