This is the story of a very confusing puzzle.

In my last post, I declared the winner of the Turtle Race, which was the (hopefully) humorous way I was describing my search for a new partner, also known as Project Butterflies. The winner was Luca, previously known as Turtle #10, and I declared him the winner after our date on Friday night (two nights ago). 

I also mentioned that I was still excited about Turtle #12, who has now been assigned the pseudonym Harlowe, and that we have plans to meet in a couple of weeks. I mentioned that I had a date planned with Turtle #7, but that I didn’t think our connection would be strong enough to catch up to Luca and Harlowe. Lastly, I said that I had a good connection with Turtle #3 but that I didn’t know if I would have time to explore it at this point. 

Well, I already have some updates! 

Luca is great. I like him a lot and he checks a lot of the boxes for Project Butterflies. However, it became pretty clear yesterday that he isn’t going to be as fulfilling as a partner for me as I’d hoped. Yes, he wants the label of boyfriend, and YES he gives me serious butterflies and is overall just fantastic. However, he isn’t as present with me from afar as I would have hoped. We haven’t been texting very much, and he hasn’t taken my hints that I would love to get daily selfies from him. He also doesn’t feel that seeing each other once a week is realistic for him right now, and hasn’t been able to commit to a plan for seeing each other again. 

Ngl, I had a major breakdown last night as a result of this. I spiraled emotionally thinking that he was blowing me off and that I’d been so stupid to believe he actually liked me. I did eventually get enough reassurance from him to feel alright about it, but the excitement that I’d had before has been mostly extinguished. Even though I still hope to explore a relationship with him, and I’m very much looking forward to seeing him again, I know that I once again can’t fully embrace the NRE feelings with this person. (That’s New Relationship Energy… in other words, well, butterflies. You know, the whole point of this search?).

Harlowe continues to be someone I am excited about, and I think there is potential for a more involved relationship with them. Until we meet in person, though, I won’t know for sure whether the sparks will fly. I’m really, really hoping that they will. At least, though, they have been really great at staying connected via text and audio messages, even before we’ve had the chance to meet irl. 

With Turtle #3, I finally just asked him when we could meet. I’d been waiting for him to plan a date, but it just wasn’t happening and staying in this limbo situation of not knowing whether we will vibe in person or not isn’t doing it for me. So now at least we have a date on the calendar, which funnily enough is the day after my date with Harlowe. He’s going to have to really blow me away, though, to be worth fitting into my schedule. 

The surprising twist today was my date with Turtle #7— which was kind of amazing, actually! No, we didn’t kiss or anything like that. He seems to be much more of a slow mover on that front, and that’s okay with me. But I did enjoy our conversation very much and we ended up talking for over two hours. The vibe was excellent. He’s also super cute and I would be so down to kiss him next time we hang out. I am really terrible at making moves, though, so it could potentially be a very slow burn if he isn’t one to make the first move either. Even if it doesn’t turn into something romantic, I think he would make a really good friend. Plus, his wife sounds like someone I would get along with super well, too! Poly friends are always good to have. As such, I have decided to give him a pseudonym as well now, and that will be Patrick. 

My three successful Turtles are great, and I really like them all. There is still a possibility that Harlowe or Patrick could become what I was hoping to find. But as of right now, the results of Project Butterflies that I have ended up with are not what I had intended or what I wanted. And to tell the truth, that really sucks. 

I feel like a pile of puzzle pieces has been dumped in front of me, and I’ve been told that only some of them will be part of the puzzle I’m trying to put together. I wasn’t told how many pieces I would need, or what the final picture is supposed to look like. And I am trying my hardest to put this thing together, but the unfortunate reality is that I am struggling to make anything remotely cohesive out of these pieces. 

I have partners whom I love deeply and am strongly committed to, but unfortunately haven’t experienced NRE with. I have partners with whom I have strolled into love with, rather than fallen. I have partners with whom I did feel NRE, or the beginnings of it, but who haven’t been able to match my energy, and as a result I have had to temper my feelings significantly and just enjoy those relationships for what they are. I have partners who simply aren’t available in one way or another for the significance of relationship that I’m desiring. I have a lot of partners now—way more than I ever intended!—and they are all awesome in their own ways. But I still don’t have what I want.

Romeo is the only partner I have with whom I did experience butterflies with and embrace them fully. Our relationship was so incredible and intoxicating in the beginning, and I love that we got to feel those things together. Someone asked me recently why I can’t just get the things I’m looking for from Romeo. They asked me what he doesn’t give me. My answer was that Romeo gives me everything. He does, and even though the NRE stage is long gone, as we’ve been together for 3 1/2 years, I am still so into him. Our love has been through immense challenges, and I’m sure we will continue to face difficult times together, but nevertheless we have continued to grow stronger together over the years. Our love is a force to be reckoned with. 

So why isn’t that “enough” for me? 

The simple answer is that I’m poly. I want to fall in love again and have someone fall in love with me right back. It’s one of the most incredible feelings in the world, and maybe I’m greedy for wanting more of it; but I have so much love to give and I choose to see that as a beautiful thing that ultimately can make the world a better, more loving place. 

As things stand right now, I have six to twelve partners depending on how you count them. I have four serious relationships (Romeo, Benny, Audrey, and Chase), four casual partners (Casey, Enzo, Gerry, and Melanie), three new people I’m still establishing things with (Luca, Harlowe, and Patrick), and one person I still plan to meet but don’t have a lot of confidence will turn into anything (Turtle # 3).  That is a lot to juggle, and I obviously don’t have time to continue searching for my holy grail. But I also don’t want to end good relationships that I find joy and satisfaction in! 

Obviously Romeo, Benny, Audrey, and Chase are my non-negotiables. Gerry is basically a fixture in my life, doesn’t take up any of my free time, and makes me feel happy when I do get to see him, even if it’s rare. Melanie is awesome, and also takes up almost none of my time since we don’t see each other often. Casey is currently a pretty big part of my life and I have strong feelings for him (strong, but safely controlled and contained); I have no desire to put an end to that. Enzo is really special to me as well and I love spending time with him. The new people I’m still exploring things with either have really good connections with me, and/or are still unknown factors. So you see, there aren’t any partners that I feel are “disposable” in any way. I don’t feel like I can just pare them down, ya know? They’re not branches on a bush! They’re people whom I care about very much. And so, regardless of how unhinged it may appear, I plan on continuing to have a concerning number of poly partners until (if ever) they begin to organically diminish. 

Perhaps the lesson for me here is that this is, in many ways, the point of polyamory. A single person can’t fulfill all of my relationship needs, because if they could, then all I would need is Romeo. But I am poly, through on through. Perhaps it’s time for me to accept that what I was looking for isn’t something that’s meant for me; instead, I can enjoy each of these loves in my life for what they are, for as long as they are meant to be. 

Or, maybe… just maybe, the person I am looking for is still out there. Not a full puzzle in and of themselves, but the final piece that makes the picture complete. Maybe I just need to keep going and trust that I will find whatever is meant for me to find.