This is the story of unearthing an evil plot. 

My mind is a wild place. 

As Olivia Rodrigo sings, “I’ve got panic rooms inside my head.” I’ve also got hidden compartments, trap doors, and a handful of delightful characters. I don’t actually have multiple personalities (dissociative identity disorder), so don’t take that too literally. But I do have inner voices, plural. This is the way I like to conceptualize my self-talk. Each voice has a different purpose, and they were formed at different times throughout my life.

And so, the title may have misled you into thinking that there was an external evil plot being devised against me— because that’s what I intended of course, I’m not above using click-bait. But even though that isn’t the case, I did still discover an evil plot that I had formed against myself. It sounds insane, I know. But I assure you, my therapist has been apprised of the inner workings of my mind as I understand them, and she’s not concerned for my sanity. 

What is this evil plot, you may be wondering? Well, it’s complicated to explain but I’m going to take a stab at it. 

There’s a part of me that, due to experiences throughout my life and especially my childhood, developed the core belief that I don’t deserve love, care, and attention. Maybe it was easier for me to accept that belief, deep down, and therefore not be disappointed when things happened to seemingly confirm it. Or maybe that belief gave me a sense of self-worth that I didn’t otherwise have, because it made me into a martyr of sorts. The scripture of Jesus certainly trained me to believe that self-sacrifice and suffering were the highest moral achievements; oh, and my religious upbringing also bundled in the belief that I am inherently bad and unworthy. It was a recipe for self-hatred. 

Of course, consciously, as I grew up I received different messages, and also tweaked and honed my particular flavor of suffering as needed to find a sense of comfort and control for myself. The result, as I can see it now, is a person who consciously loves herself— in a healthy way, not in a conceited way. I work hard to be the kind of person I can be proud of, and that includes being humble and considerate of others. I have to be that person who is confident in herself on the outside, because silence and invisibility are the keys to true suffering. I can’t allow others to see that I actually hate myself on some levels, because then they might feel bad for me, and that would defeat the purpose! That might lead to care and attention that I (again, deep down) don’t believe I deserve. 

Twisted as it is, a lot of the way I function in my life is based on these complex inner workings. I am a “pathological people-pleaser” as Taylor Swift sings. (I like lyrics, okay? Sue me. (…as Sabrina Carpenter sings…”)). 

I have recently discovered that the way I behave in my love life is very much in line with the hidden, secret, evil plot within my psyche to reinforce that core belief about what I deserve. I am a glutton for punishment in a lot of ways. I often choose people who I either know or suspect on some level will treat me badly. I self-sabotage if a relationship is too balanced and functional. I put my focus on finding something that I know doesn’t actually exist, so that I can continually be disappointed. 

The way I realized all of this was through a recent relationship struggle I had with Chase. It’s no secret that I have had a hard time feeling at peace with the limitations of our relationship. He doesn’t experience falling in love in the same way as I do, and that has often caused me to feel distressed that he may not love me as much as I love him. His hierarchical dynamic in polyamory also started to cause me to feel that I didn’t matter to him. I started Project Butterflies in an attempt to redirect my romantic attention away from him, but I had been struggling with that as well. 

Everything came to a head for us last week. We both were feeling misaligned in our relationship, and really wrestling with the question of whether being together was good for either of us. There were points when I felt entirely confident that he was about to break up with me. And, there were points when I felt entirely confident that I was going to break up with him. It was at those points that I realized just how deeply I was attached to him; that attachment was not secure, and not healthy. But eventually I realized that it also wasn’t rational. As I told Chase recently, he is amazing—but honestly? He isn’t special. I don’t mean that in an unkind way. I only mean that there isn’t anything about him that should have afforded him such an entirely huge piece of my heart. In the end, he’s just a guy, and there are an abundance of people in this world whom I could choose to love instead. 

So, why him? That was my question. I found the answer through talking to people I love, spending a lot of time introspecting, researching relationship psychology, and even venting to people I had only just met on the internet. Audrey, Romeo, and Benny all contributed wisdom to my soul-searching journey. The most surprising source of insight was none other than one of my turtles! Turtle #10 threw down this piece of wisdom: “No man should make you question your own value or make you love yourself any less than you should. Because that’s what you’re doing now. You aren’t loving yourself enough to let go of something that is hurting you and affecting your self-worth.” Mic drop much?

Through all of the reflecting I did, I came up with the answer to my question of “why him?”. I chose Chase to focus my infatuation on because I knew that he would never be able to offer me all of what I wanted, even though he’s otherwise perfect for me. He’s funny, and easygoing, and adventurous, and smart, and sweet, and a really good guy… and our physical chemistry is fire. He’s everything that I want, but I can only have a little bit of him. Subconsciously I knew that meant he was an excellent candidate to inflict maximum pain. 

Now I’m not saying that this fucked up internal masochism was the reason I fell in love with him. I fell in love with him because of all of the things I just mentioned. But, the subconscious bullshit that was going on was the reason it became so painful for me to be in love with him, not to mention unhealthy, and distressing for both of us. 

You know what the really cool part about gaining this psychological insight has been? It’s that when a plot is exposed, it can no longer be carried out as planned. And you bet your ass that the person who plotted it will be on a watchlist after that. The opportunity for them to succeed in their nefarious designs is severely limited at that point. 

All of this is to say that I still love Chase, he still loves me, and we’re still together. But I no longer feel terrified of losing him, or that our relationship is insignificant to him. I feel just as in love with him, but now I also feel balanced, happy, safe, and strong. I feel how valued and supported I am by so many people in my life. 

I may not be able to silence that cruel inner voice completely or permanently. But, I can call her out on her bullshit. I can choose to listen to the other voices instead; the voices of people in my life who remind me that I am deserving of love, care, and attention. They remind me as many times as I need them to. They give me the strength to speak with authority to another character who lives in my mind, and tell her that she is worthy and deserves to be seen—that’s my inner child, and she needs to hear it most of all. 

And now for an update on the Turtle Race: because we have a winner! 

Turtles #1, #2, #4, #5, #8, and #9 went out of the running first. Things simply fizzled, and I was absolutely fine with that.  

Turtles #6, #7, and #11 then also began falling significantly behind. We’re all still talking, and I’m planning on meeting #7 this weekend because we’ve had this date planned for a while, but my connections with these three are just not strong enough to become anything close to what I’m feeling with my new first place turtle. 

That leaves #3, #10, and #12. Turtle #3 is incredibly sweet and I think we would vibe well in person. But, I’m not likely to have the time to explore that, because I have my hands full with other relationships now. 

Turtles #10 and #12 are officially significant. In fact, they are now significant enough to have their own pseudonyms! Turtle #10 shall now be called Luca, and Turtle #12 shall be called Harlowe.

Harlowe is non-binary, a parent, poly, and has quite a few other things in common with me. We’ve spent a lot of time texting and sending each other voice messages, and our vibe is a good balance of flirty, friendly, funny, and serious. We have planned to meet in a couple of weeks, and I’m super excited! I have a hard time imagining that I won’t be spending time with Harlowe in the future, in some capacity. 

Luca is the first place winner of the Turtle Race, though! He is everything I wanted to find, and I am SO SUPER into him. We had our first date tonight and it was perfect. He’s sweet, cute, smart, flirty, approachable, and easy-going. I feel such familiarity with him, and yet I was also the most nervous I have ever been to meet him! I could just feel that this one would turn into something big. And sitting on the couch next to him, just casually touching and waiting for the moment we would cross the line into kissing and exploring each other… that was butterflies, through and through. The way he looked at me and teased me drove me wild in the best sense imaginable. The way it felt to be with him was magical and unforgettable. I am already a bit obsessed, to tell the truth!

Project Butterflies has succeeded. I found what I was looking for, despite the bleakness I felt just last week, and I feel so happy right now. I don’t know exactly what my relationships are going to be with Luca, Harlowe, or Casey; they all seem to have the potential for satisfying my craving for mutual NRE and a relationship with depth and staying power. But I can only juggle so many relationships, and my next challenge will be to find the proper balance for it all.