This is the story of how I found out just how little will-power I have.

My last first date (at least, as far as I have planned for the foreseeable future) was with a guy I’m calling Alec. By the time I planned a date with him, I was quickly approaching poly-saturation. Then, within the few days between making plans and actually doing them, I reached that point. I’d already met Travis who was going to be a FWB to add to my “roster” of three other FWBs I had at the time, and then I met Romeo and Calvin that same week. I knew that I simply had no room in my life for a romantic or sexual relationship with Alec.

To be fair and upfront, I let him know that this was the situation. I told him that we could still go on our date, but that I wouldn’t be able to see him again after that so I didn’t want to mislead him. He understood the situation, being an experienced poly person himself, and said he’s still like to go on our date. So that’s what we did!

Of course, I went into the date with the solid plan in my head that we would not be doing anything sexual whatsoever, since I knew I couldn’t manage to see him again. But alas, this experience with Alec taught me just how little will-power I truly have when it comes to men. I have what some might call an a-dick-tion. 😀

It’s funny but true that I seem to be nearly insatiable when it comes to guys. Practically every guy I see now, I at least consider in a sexual manner if only for a brief moment. Maybe it’s because I’m finally “allowed” to check guys out without feeling like it’s threatening my marriage. Or maybe it’s because I’ve seen what dating and casual sex are like, and I’ve realized it’s actually pretty fun and I like it. Or, maybe I’m just a huge slut by nature. But whatever the reason, I really just love men and all the different kinds there are. (Yeah, there’s a lot not to love about men as well, but I’m thinking about the positive things in this instance!)

But back to the story. My date with Alec was fun and I enjoyed his company. We had dinner and then went for a walk on the beach, and I was planning to kiss him despite my plans not to see him again, because kissing is just fun and harmless. 😉

So of course, on the beach is where we went in for the kill and made out for a bit. As we walked back towards our cars later, still talking and enjoying great conversation, we held hands and he put his arm around me part of the time. When we got to my car, we sat outside on a bench and talked about deeper things, like my faith deconstruction and my reasons for being poly, and he shared his reasons and philosophy as well.

That’s when I decided to just be a completely open book with him, and started thinking out loud about the large handful of relationships I was balancing, and which ones I wanted to continue the most. I was basically trying to reason myself into fitting Alec into my life at that point, because we had connected so well. He was surprisingly unbiased as he listened and didn’t try to persuade me in one direction or another. But ultimately, I said fuck it and decided that we could at least fool around in my car. Like I said, I’m insatiable!

Alec is very strict and careful about sexual safety. I am as well, but there are levels, and he is near the top. I appreciate that about him. As a result, we were limited to only certain sexual activities that were lowest risk. But boy, did we make the most of them!

After an enjoyable time in the car, we said our goodbyes and planned to meet up again sometime. I was totally rolling my eyes at myself on the drive home, admitting that I’d caved on my plan because this sweet, sexy guy was interested in me.

Since our date, we’ve continued to talk and enjoy getting to know each other. And I did plan to continue seeing him, up until today, when I finally decided that I really did need to take some of my relationships off of the table. My plate is just too full, especially as things are getting more and more serious with Romeo and he’s starting to just consume my every thought and desire. (Yeah, that’s a lot. But it’s true.)

Nevertheless, telling Alec that I wasn’t going to be able to see him in a romantic or sexual way any more was really difficult. I was tempted many times to cave again, because he really is such a great guy. In the end, I made my choice, and I hope we will still continue to be friends because it is wonderful to have poly people who I can talk to about this part of my life.