This is the story of how I live in a dream now.

I’ve been with Romeo for a month now, and it still doesn’t feel real. Our relationship started as a nearly-instant love, and the fire has not died down at all yet. It’s burning strong and fast with zero percent containment. 😆

There are many reasons why it doesn’t feel real. Romeo is unbelievable in so many ways. I’ve never met or encountered a real live human man who loves so fiercely and openly without ever shying away from the absurdly romantic, cutesy, sweet stuff (other than my Hubby, but I thought he was the only one to exist!). He says he’s not usually this way, which makes it even crazier. With me, he’s like a character from a romance novel or movie. I’m living a freaking romance novel right now, and that’s extremely surreal. 

Another reason it doesn’t feel real to me is that there’s just so much passion. Once again, this is something I thought was reserved for fiction. The amount of passion we have for each other is undeniable, overwhelming, and seemingly insatiable. I’ve never felt this way before in my life, and I find it hard to believe that it’s really happening sometimes. A love like ours shouldn’t exist. 

Now, I know to an outside observer, this post might induce eye rolls or at the very least a kernel of doubt about how truthful I’m being when I’m saying these things. Maybe I’m exaggerating, or maybe I’m blinded by love and seeing things that aren’t there. And really, there’s no objective way to prove that this isn’t the case. But the thing is, I’m not exaggerating even a little bit. Not only is our love exactly as I’ve described it, but it’s also deeply treasured by both of us and we’re both committed to making it last for the long haul. 

Yes, we are still in the NRE stage, but we’re also emotionally much further than that. We are becoming integrated into each other’s lives, as much as possible with the distance between us and the individual responsibilities we both have. One of the biggest struggles for me right now, in fact, is the conflict between my desire to have Romeo more in my life, in every facet, and the reality that this is impossible, at least for the time being but possibly forever. 

The reality is that we’re not monogamous. He’s not my “only one,” my “whole world,” my “everything” or even my husband. As much as I do feel that deeply about him emotionally, that’s not the reality because I didn’t meet him when my adult life was getting started. I met him after I’d already established my life and my family. And that’s not something I ever can or will regret! My Hubby and my children are my world. I’d never trade them for anything, never ever. 

So with Romeo, he has my heart totally and completely. But that’s figurative of course, because Hubby also has my heart totally and completely, and each of my children also has my heart totally and completely. Mathematically speaking, that doesn’t add up. And that’s where monogamy fails us, because we’re taught that in love, one person has to have all of you, or else it’s not the real thing or it’s not as valuable. Yet we know that having children doesn’t diminish our love for our partner. And we know that having a second child doesn’t diminish the love we have for the first one, and so on. Our hearts are not quantified like this. Our love is infinite. 

My struggle is that a huge part of me wants to move “forward” with Romeo in very traditional, monogamy-based ways. And I don’t know if that’s because of my monogamous programming, or because I simply crave him deep in my soul and want him tied to me in every possible human way. I’m pretty sure it’s the latter, but who’s to say for sure?

I struggle with this because of a little thing called reality. In reality, there are huge and possibly insurmountable reasons we will never be able to live together. Marriage, if we ever decided to consider that, would be purely symbolic since legally we are both already married and want to stay that way. That’s not to say that I’m not still interested in that, because the symbolic and spiritual aspects of marriage are what matters most to me anyway. But I have no idea if Romeo is interested in that, and how our spouses would feel about it. 

Even more terrifying to consider is the idea of possibly having a baby with Romeo someday. It’s crossed my mind and we’ve talked about it a bit, but for the time being we both agree that’s probably not in the plan. It’s something I’m very much of two minds about, because on the one hand I am so very done with pregnancy, birth, and restarting the childrearing process again. But on the other hand, the idea of a baby with Romeo makes my heart explode with sheer joy. So it’s… it’s a problem. 

The thing is, we’re in a hierarchical poly relationship, and we’re secondary partners. My struggle, then, could be succinctly described as an unexpected change in my perspective from wanting Romeo to be my secondary partner to wanting him to be something more. I never expected this, in any way, and in fact I was convinced it would never happen. Yet here I am.

This whole experience with Romeo so far is far, far beyond what I ever expected or hoped to find. It’s an out-of-this-world love that transcends life itself. It has changed absolutely everything, and that’s beautiful and terrifying and untethering. I’m often at a loss as to what to do with it. 

For now, I have to find a way to fit this huge, unreal, mind-blowing love into a relatively small box. My “secondary partner box” was not designed to fit this kind of love. But I have to shove it in there anyway, and then walk away and try to ignore the way it’s bursting at the seams while I attempt to go about my life. All the while, I’m always just waiting for the next time when I get to be with him again, and for a little while I can open that box and let our love run wild and free. 

Is this real life? It sure doesn’t feel like it. But if it’s all a dream, just please don’t wake me up.