This is the story of UGGHHHH.

What is my life now?

The short answer is, I feel like I’m living for the times I can be with Romeo.

What about the times in between? I’m existing. Just existing. Maintaining things—my life, my family, my house, my responsibilities. Of course, I need this time without Romeo to maintain things. Or at least I thought I did.  

If he was with me all of the time, we would have to set boundaries on ourselves to make sure we’re actually getting things done. Which, incidentally, we got to try out yesterday because he had a full work day and worked remotely from my house. It was actually quite successful. He worked, I got stuff done around the house, and we had brief visits throughout the day for kisses, snacks, and just saying hi.

So, there’s that. The theory that we “need” time apart to be productive is officially debunked. We can be productive together, as long as we designate the time appropriately.

This is highly unfortunate, because while previously, I suspected this would be the case, now I know it for sure. I can no longer put a positive spin on our time apart by saying we need it to get things done. I now know that if we were together all the time—for instance, if we lived together—then we’d be perfectly functional and capable of balancing things. We’d just be happier all the time, because we’d be together.

My life now is 70% missing Romeo, and 30% being with Romeo.

In the 70%, I keep busy. That’s my best coping mechanism. And yes, I now need a coping mechanism. Honestly, I’ve needed it pretty much from the start with him, because we fell in love so fast and the addiction wasn’t far behind.

I cope with the visceral pain of missing him by keeping busy. I have a husband, three kids, two dogs, a cat, a pony, (and soon, a bird), and a pretty big house to maintain, not to mention myself to maintain, so it’s not that hard to keep busy. I also have hobbies. I like writing (obviously), and reading, and watching TV, and organizing. I sometimes enjoy painting. I like being active—going on bike rides, rollerblading, dancing, doing yoga, walking the dogs. I have plenty to do, in other words. And that’s a very good thing because I find that I need to be continuously doing something in order to feel okay when I’m not with the other half of my heart.

Sometimes, I wish I never found him. That’s a terrible thing to feel, because he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I love him so much it’s insane. He’s everything to me. But it’s so much. It’s a lot, truly. I sometimes look back at my perfectly content life before him, and I wish I could go back to that simplicity. I was blissfully ignorant of all that I was missing, with Romeo. I was blissfully ignorant of his existence in the world. Now I found him and I have him, and he’s just consumed me entirely and it’s overwhelming.

That being said, I don’t want to paint things in a negative or unhealthy light. These things I’m expressing are feelings. They’re not a fair representation of how I’m actually going about my life right now. I’m not walking around listless and miserable when we’re apart, and I’m not ignoring or neglecting my family, or taking them for granted. I still enjoy other people, as well—my friends and family. I love my husband and my children more than life itself. I want to be with them all of the time, as well. They are my world! So it’s not that I am literally having tunnel-vision for Romeo and seeing nothing else in my life. He’s just where the spotlight is shining right now, because I finally found him and my soul is rejoicing at being reunited with its long-lost lover. (Please pardon my extremely corny romantic notions, but that’s really how I feel!)

Practically speaking, I’m perfectly functional. But emotionally, I miss him so much it hurts all the time. Sometimes, by staying busy, I can almost “forget” about him for short periods of time and it fades into a duller ache of missing him that I can almost ignore. Then there are things that just gut-punch me with yearning for him, and fortunately/unfortunately they are all over my house because he’s spent so much time here that his presence has permeated my space. Honestly, I’m not complaining about any of it, though. This love is worth everything, and I want as much of it as I can get.

I don’t know if these feelings will fade in time, if I won’t need him or miss him as much. I can’t truthfully say that I wish for that to happen, because it makes me sad to think about not wanting him as much as I do now. And if I don’t miss him as much, doesn’t that mean I don’t want him as much? And if I don’t want him as much, will he not want me as much? I don’t know, but I wouldn’t tame the intensity of our relationship even if I could. We are a fire, and I just want it to keep on burning, endlessly.

Still, it is hard living this way. I just don’t see any solution. I either have to accept that this is my life forever now, or I have to allow/accept our feelings for each other calming down, or I have to get more of him somehow. I really don’t want the second thing to happen, and I really don’t think the third is possible.

You see, he has a family as well. I’m never leaving mine, and he’s probably never leaving his either. I wouldn’t want him to leave his family, to be clear, unless it was the best choice for the happiness of everyone involved. And by “leave” I mean not living with them, not walking away from them by any means. He’s an amazing husband and father, and his family is just as important to him as mine is to me, which means his family is also important to me and vice versa. Just needed to clarify that!

Anyway. As such, living together just isn’t possible without both of us moving so we can all live together, and that’s a lot of moving parts. It’s also financially unattainable in this housing market. And, it would be a huge sacrifice for me because I love my house. It was literally built for my family. Leaving it would quite possibly break my heart. 🙁

So there’s the UGHHHHH part of all of this. Living together is the only way I can get enough of him for my satisfaction, but there are so many barriers to that as to make it basically impossible and never-gonna-happen. Which means one thing… I have to accept that this is my life now. This. The 70% and the 30%. The joy and the pain, endlessly cycling.

Thus was the tragedy of Juliet and her Romeo.