This is the story of how I discovered that sexual compatibility is a real thing.

For readers who may not know this, I grew up in the American Evangelical Church, and continued to embrace it as an adult until recently. The AEC is a term commonly used for the most dominant form of “Christianity” within the United States of America. It has a culture all its own, and a big part of what I was taught within that is what’s known as “purity culture.”

Purity culture has many facets to it. Some of the ideas that are part of it include:

• Virginity until marriage is important and godly, especially for women. This is also called “purity.” In other words, women should maintain their “purity” until marriage.
• Co-habitation and pre-marital sex are sins.
• Women who dress “too provocatively” are sinful, because they are causing men to “stumble” by lusting after them.
• In marriage, sex is obligatory. Husbands need sex and wives are required to provide it. If wives don’t provide sex, they are sinning. Husbands who don’t get the amount of sex that they “need” are likely to turn to pornography or adultery because they have so little control over their own urges.

Please note that these ideas are not things I agree with in any way, shape, or form. And please also know that I’m not exaggerating in the slightest. These are actual things I was taught as a Christian woman.

One of the most fascinating phenomena I have discovered since becoming polyamorous is the concept of sexual compatibility. As a member of the AEC I was taught that sexual compatibility is not a concern. Because in purity culture, pre-marital sex is not acceptable and yet sex in marriage is required, this means that sexual compatibility is not something that matters or even exists.

In other words, once a man and a woman are married (and it probably goes without saying that one man and one woman is the only accepted form of marriage within the AEC), they are automatically expected to begin a sexual relationship at that point, without ever having learned each other in a sexual way up to that point. They are expected to continue that sexual relationship for the duration of their marriage, which is supposed to be for the rest of their lives. There is no room for discovering or considering whether or not they are sexually compatible. This is simply not a concern.

And yet! As a poly person, I have discovered that sexual compatibility is not only a very real thing, but it’s a very important thing.

To be expected to have sex with a spouse whom you are not sexually attracted to, in order to feel like you are pleasing God, is extremely damaging. You are left with two choices, in this case: have obligatory sex, which feels icky and demeaning to say the least, or face constant guilt over “neglecting” your spouse and sinning against God. Either way, sex becomes something negative and that baggage can be very difficult to shed later, if ever the opportunity presents itself.

For most devout Christians, this never happens unless they are willing to stray from these teachings. And even that carries a huge amount of baggage because the AEC also teaches that criticizing the popular “Christian” teachings is equivalent to “straying from the path of righteousness,” which leads to destruction and death. At best, your life will fall apart because you are not living with in God’s will, and at worst you will end up burning in hell for all eternity because you probably never really knew Jesus at all. It’s no wonder so many Christians are terrified to question what they are taught. I know I was! That is, until it became harder to stay within that culture emotionally and morally than it was to leave it.

But anyway. Now that I’m polyamorous, I have been allowed to explore my sexual compatibility with a variety of people. Prior to becoming poly, I had only ever had sex with my husband, and our sexual relationship had been rocky for most of our marriage because I very often felt uninterested, obligated, and guilty when it came to our sexual relationship. Just before becoming poly, I actually started to believe that I was gray-sexual, because I had so little interest in sex.

However, after becoming poly I quickly realized that I actually really enjoy sex! I just needed to find the right partner (or partners). As much as I love my husband, I have discovered that I am not sexually attracted to him. And it’s not anything he has done or not done, it’s the simple factor of sexual compatibility. There’s an ineffable quality that some partnerships just have or don’t have, and in the case of my husband and I, we don’t have it. He is an attractive man, and he is sexually considerate, communicative, and capable—but none of that makes a difference for me because I just don’t feel that way for him.

This realization has been painful for both of us, but also freeing in a way. It has allowed us to better understand our years of struggle, and realize that it isn’t a “flaw” that either of us have but just something completely out of our control. It also means that we both have the opportunity now to actually find a partner (or partners) who we are sexually compatible with. And that is an amazing thing that everybody who desires should be allowed to find in life!

I am so happy that I have found a partner, my boyfriend Romeo, whom I am very much sexually compatible with. I get to experience an absolute fire of attraction and desire and pleasure that I used to think only existed in fiction.

Not only that, but I know that I am experiencing something that God designed to be amazing, and I’m now experiencing it to its fullest! When I enjoy this amazing aspect of being alive, I know that I’m seeing an aspect of God, and that is in itself holy. That’s right—amazing sex is holy! God made it, and I see it as nothing less than a celebration of Their creativity and the beautiful life that we’ve been given.