This is the story of how I had to say no too many times.

When I met Aaron, I was moving quickly through my second wave of guys, going on dates and figuring out who I was going to keep seeing.

Aaron is local to me, so that was a big bonus. He was also attractive and friendly, and bold enough to ask me out quickly, which I was happy to accept. We met for coffee the day after we connected online.

Unfortunately, while I was enjoying getting to know him, I realized very early into the date that in the chaos of talking to multiple guys at once and planning dates, I hadn’t asked him one of my deal-breaker questions—whether or not he was vaccinated for Covid. I was unpleasantly surprised to find out that he wasn’t.

On our date, discovering this unfortunate fact, I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t want to walk out on our date, and he told me that he’s naturally immune and has been tested for antibodies to prove it. I didn’t know enough about that, because I’d never researched it, but he argued compellingly, and so I decided to continue the date. (After I got home and looked it up, I learned that it was bullshit. That was upsetting, but there was nothing I could do about it at that point, so I let it go. You live and you learn!)

Other than being a Covidiot, Aaron was also very sexually aggressive. I wasn’t not into it, because I am sexually submissive and enjoy being dominated—but it has to be with the right person. In Aaron’s case, he wasn’t a safe person for me to be sexually intimate with, let alone dominated by, as I discovered over the course of our date.

After coffee, he said he had a surprise for me and invited me to get a couples’ massage nearby. I was a little surprised by that idea, but it sounded nice so I went with it. When we got to the massage place, I realized exactly how devious his plan was, because he got to see me naked on our first date. I’m pretty uninhibited about my body and nudity, so I didn’t mind. But still… very devious, I have to say.

Even on the drive to the massage place, he was all over me and it was obviously distracting to drive with all of that going on. But I digress. The massage was nice, and then we had some time left to fool around in my car—as you might be able to tell, if you’ve read my other posts, this is my MO. 😉

In the car, we did everything short of having intercourse, and he pushed my boundaries beyond what I was comfortable with. He would ask me if I liked something and I would say no, then he would try it anyway and ask me again, to which I would again say no. Then he would stop. Guess what, Aaron? No means no! I shouldn’t have to explain this, especially in this day and age.

At one point, he wanted to cum on me (eye roll), and I had to tell him no several times. This guy really just didn’t get the idea of no, and unfortunately, it didn’t stop after our date.

To be clear, even though I didn’t feel that he respected me as much as he needed to, and I chose not to see him again as a result, I did enjoy our sexual activities at the time. I never felt unsafe in any way. But I feel it’s important to say that just because I enjoyed something sexually doesn’t mean it was an overall positive experience or something I care to repeat. Both can be true.

We said goodbye at the end of our date and in the moment, I thought I was going to see him again. It wasn’t until later, after I had processed the experience, that I realized it was absolutely not something I wanted. And you know what? That’s okay too! I’m allowed to change my mind and say we’re stopping or not seeing each other again any time I fucking want.

Why the attitude, you might ask? Well, as it turns out, “no” still didn’t translate to him in the days or weeks after our date. I told him I didn’t want to see him again, in very clear terms. Not rudely, but clearly. He continued to text me flirtatiously for two weeks, and asked me out again several times.

Even worse, he tried gaslighting me several times. He told me that he thought I was denying my feelings for him because they were so strong that it scared me. Excuse me, WHAT? Absolutely not, dude. He told me that he wasn’t disrespecting my boundaries, even though I told him I felt that he was. Finally, I had to start getting a little rude. Then, thank the Heavens, he got the picture and with one last attempt at guilt-tripping me, he said goodbye.

This experience was annoying, to say the least. I’m glad it’s over, and I hope to not have any more experiences like that in the future. Respect, communication, and consent are not optional when it comes to sex. Testing boundaries is not okay unless there is enthusiastic consent to do so. And pushing hard boundaries is never okay!