Marry Me, Romeo

It’s been a while since I’ve posted on here. Life has been busy, and changing very quickly in big ways.

Romeo and I have been together for over five months now, and we are about to become nesting partners. I moved out of my house where I lived with my husband in January, and got my own apartment. While my husband and I are still on excellent terms and we work great together as co-parents, we have decided to end our marriage. Being in a platonic marriage could have worked for us, but we ultimately decided that it was more genuine to separate our lives and move toward our own individual futures. We were holding onto something that wasn’t there anymore, and it was time for us to let it go.

Romeo is also ending his marriage, but not because of me. His marriage has other issues that are completely unrelated, and have created an unhealthy dynamic for him and his wife. Neither of us left our spouses for each other, but we both acted as catalysts for each other to make changes that needed to happen in our lives.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m setting a bad example of polyamory. The idea isn’t to choose one partner over another, of course. It’s not to replace a partner with a new one! The whole point of polyamory is to be able to have multiple partners, and all of them offer different things and add value to your life in different ways, and vice versa. But from an outside perspective, it looks as if Romeo and I found each other and decided to leave our spouses so we could be together.

Of course this isn’t true. We and our spouses are polyamorous, and all of us were accepting and positive about being in poly relationships. Romeo and I didn’t need to leave our spouses to be together.

The reasons we left our spouses are different, as I already mentioned. Did our relationship together lead to these decisions? Yes, it would be silly to deny that. But that doesn’t mean that our relationship is the cause of our ending marriages. Our love has been the catalyst, not the cause. Our love has shown us both what a romantic partnership can truly be, and it left both of us unsatisfied in our other relationships.

We also are not seeing other partners right now, and we don’t know if we ever will. To some people, this might mean that we’re no longer polyamorous. But I still consider myself poly, because I believe it’s part of my sexual and romantic orientation.

I believe in polyamory. I can be pansexual without being in non-heterosexual relationships. It’s not about action, but attraction. And I think the same can apply for being polyamorous. Even though I don’t have more than one partner, I think that poly is a way of life that I connect with deeply.

To me, polyamory means that love is abundant and free. I don’t see my partner’s love as a limited resource that I need to hoard for myself. I know that there is plenty of love for me, and that he doesn’t have to be the only way to satisfy my needs. I can satisfy my own needs, or lean on my connection with God, or my relationships with family and friends. I have many sources for love and connection and support. Romeo may be my primary source, but he’s not my only source for these things, and that’s why I don’t need to treat him like a scarce resource. (Time is a scarce resource, though! I do try to get as much of his time as I can. But I also work hard to make sure he never feels obligated or pressured to spend time with me, especially if he has other things going on. I want him to want to be with me, you know?)

Nor do I see my partner as my property in any way. He is free to choose to be with me, or not. Would I be devastated if he chose not to? Of course. But he isn’t obligated to stay with me. Neither am I obligated to stay with him. We are free to leave at any time, if we so choose. But because both of us treasure our relationship, we choose to communicate and work through any difficulties so that we can continue to be happy and satisfied in our partnership. We are also both free to discuss pursuing additional partners at any time, and it wouldn’t be a “forbidden” topic in any way. As I said, this isn’t something we’re interested in at the moment (or possibly ever), but it is always something we’re free to consider. Because we don’t own each other!

So yes, all of that to say that even though I’m in a consciously monogamous relationship, I still identify as polyamorous by nature.

As for Romeo and I, we are going places. That’s our plan, at least! I love this man beyond words, and he feels the same about me. We want to be tied together in every way possible, to make our forever love a public statement, and to be able to call each other by the titles that we feel are right in our hearts. We want to be husband and wife. I am confident that someday, probably not too long from now, we will be. And after that, we just might need to add another little bambino to the beautiful, complicated, blended family that we’ve created together. In a way, a baby of our own would tie everything together so perfectly. It would fulfill the deep yearning I have to create a new life with the man that I love, bring that life into the world together, and nurture and raise our child together. It’s what I dream about, now. <3

I thought I was done with all of that but as it turns out… life can surprise you sometimes.