To Poly or Not to Poly

The past few weeks have been a wild roller-coaster. Buckle up, because this is going to be a long one. (Like, seriously long.)

Where do I start?

It all began when Romeo brought up polyamory. Throughout our relationship, we have casually discussed our choice to be monogamous, at least for a season, and the possibility that we might eventually want to be polyamorous again. We also have discussed the possibility of staying monogamous indefinitely. Neither of us were set on one way or another, but we were open to the possibilities. Or, at least we thought we were.

But when Romeo brought up that he might want to be poly again, I didn’t like how I felt at first. I felt jealous at the very idea of Romeo spending romantic or sexual time and energy on anybody but me. I told him I didn’t think I could handle it, that I thought it would break my heart, but that I also didn’t want to limit him in any way. He said that if I wasn’t happy with being poly, then we wouldn’t be.

Something about that statement caused a shift in me. I realized that I was more important to Romeo than having a polyamorous lifestyle, and that meant everything to me. With that shift, I realized that I wasn’t jealous anymore. I actually started to get excited about the idea of sharing my Romeo with others—knowing that ultimately, I’m the one who gets to keep him. I compared it to the idea of having a really cool fast car, and how it could be fun to let other people take it for a test drive. It’s like a brag, in a way. “Check out how awesome my ride is!”

As silly as that may be, I really did come to like the idea. And for myself, I’ve never really stopped liking the idea of being poly. When I’m living a poly lifestyle, I feel so alive. I feel most like myself. Continuing the car metaphor, for me being poly is like I’m the fast car, and I can finally drive at full speed.

And so, Romeo and I talked more about opening up again, and we decided to go for it. We had a different approach than I had in the past. When I was with my ex-husband and we decided to be poly, I knew very quickly that I could never go back. It was something that I needed. In my relationship with Romeo, being poly felt like something I wanted, but didn’t need to do. So when we started, we affirmed to each other that if we became uncomfortable or unhappy, we could always go back to being monogamous.

As I soon came to realize, it wasn’t actually that simple for me.

As is my typical style, I jumped headfirst into new explorations. Soon, I was chatting with multiple people and had tentative plans to meet a few. Within a week, I met my first new connection, who I’ll call Jesse (sidenote: I edited this post to change his pseudonym from Joey to Jesse, because I remembered that I already had a Joey!).

Unfortunately, Romeo’s problems began and escalated almost as quickly as my jump back into poly.

Immediately, he started having issues with jealousy when I was chatting with people. He asked if we could stick to exploring together, meaning only date people who wanted to date both of us. I agreed, and was able to find a few interested parties. The jealousy still continued, though, and I started to feel like I had to sneak around to chat with people, because any time I was on my phone he was watching me like a hawk. After some time, he requested that I chat with people in group chats that included him, and I gave him what he wanted. I was willing to do whatever I could to make him feel comfortable.  

But back to Jesse.

Jesse was someone who I connected with online and then invited him over that same night. Romeo and I were both revved up and excited about him, and he felt the same about both of us. When he came over, we hung out for a while and chatted, and then things started to heat up. We had a very enjoyable time with him that night, and everyone was satisfied… until afterward. Then, the shift in Romeo was immediate and tangible. Suddenly he seemed uncomfortable and on edge. When we walked Jesse to his car and said goodbye later, I assumed that we weren’t going to see him again.

Romeo and I stayed up late talking, though, and ultimately, he decided that he was alright with continuing to see Jesse. So, he came over again the next night, and we had a great time again. But, the same situation repeated itself. After the fun was over, Romeo had a shift in energy and things felt off.

The rollercoaster of Jesse was only just beginning. For the next week and a half (although it felt much longer), my connection with Jesse grew extremely quickly and Romeo’s feelings about him shifted in a very negative direction. For personal reasons, Romeo decided he could not continue to see Jesse and that he didn’t want me to either. At first, I agreed, but then my feelings for Jesse got in the way and I decided I wanted to still see him, on my own. Romeo was very unhappy with that. Eventually, the situation devolved into one where Romeo asked me to stop seeing Jesse, and then stop talking to him completely. It became so serious that I was afraid of losing Romeo, so I hastily promised to say goodbye, and I did—for a while.

Meanwhile, the overall poly situation was also falling apart. Romeo went back and forth a bit, saying that he was okay with being poly under specific parameters, and then saying he wasn’t okay with it after all. I tried to make things as comfortable for him as I could, but I was beginning to feel very stifled. I tried to check in with him frequently, but he struggled to share his feelings with me. Things got messy, to say the least.

The situation came to a head when I brought up Jesse again, and told Romeo that while I could agree to not be poly (although it was extremely difficult for me), I couldn’t agree not to talk to Jesse anymore, as a friend. I wasn’t okay with being told who I could talk to or be friends with. I was chafing under an ultimatum that Romeo gave me, in which he said that me talking to Jesse would be a dealbreaker.

I told him how I was feeling, and everything exploded.

Romeo said that we were over. He started packing a bag, as I begged him to stay. He kept packing, and eventually I just started helping him because it was all I could do in the moment to show my love for him. He reiterated that we were over and he was leaving, and we both continued to cry and cry. Finally, though, he couldn’t take the pain anymore and he said he couldn’t leave me. We held each other and calmed down, and then I helped him unpack his bag and our day went back to its usually scheduled programming.

A couple of hours later, we were driving in the car and both calm, so I brought up Jesse again and tried to have a conversation about the situation. Romeo quickly became heated again, and no matter how calmly I continued to respond, he kept escalating. Then, he said that we did need to break up after all. When I stopped to park for a minute, he got out and said he was going to walk home. I begged him to get back in so I could drive him home, but he ignored me and walked away. I stood there crying for a few minutes, then texted him and called him and drove down the street until I found him. I tried a few times to get him to get in the car, but he continued to ignore me. I texted him and begged him to let me at least kiss him goodbye and drive him home. But he just said no, and that we were over, even though he didn’t want us to be. Finally, I gave up.

I drove away from him, crying and screaming my pain out. Then, I called Jesse. He was nearby, and asked if I wanted him to come get me. I said yes. I went home and packed my own bag, because while I have somewhere else I can go nearby, Romeo doesn’t. I texted him to let him know my plan, and he once again changed his mind and said he didn’t want to break up. He asked if I could pick him up. I said yes, and went to get him.

When he got in the car, he apologized over and over and expressed his wish that I would stay. I told him I needed some time apart. When we got home, I went inside with him so we could talk for a few minutes. He continued to struggle between trying to respect my decision to leave, and holding back from begging me to stay. Eventually, he asked if I was going to see anyone else right then. I told him yes, I was going to stay with Jesse for the night, but it would be platonic. He was distressed, and said I was choosing Jesse over him. He said we were over, again, and I said that we weren’t over until we talked in a few days. He continued to say we were over, and we didn’t kiss goodbye.

Later, he texted me to apologize and said that he was glad I had a friend to comfort me. Meanwhile, I spent some time talking to people I love and trust about everything that had happened, including my ex-husband and my parents. I also spent time talking with Jesse, trying to work through everything and just catch my breath. The consensus from everybody was that I should not go back to Romeo. But my heart could not accept that.

I told Jesse that I needed our time that night to be platonic, and he said he would respect that. Unfortunately, he didn’t. While I was appreciative of having Jesse there with me that night, he also made it very difficult for me to stay true to my word. He tempted me to the extreme, and tried to kiss me a few times. Eventually, I gave in. We kissed and cuddled and he stroked my arms and legs and put his hand under my shirt. I stopped him then, and decided to call Romeo.

I knew in that moment that I needed to be poly. I knew that in order to be with Romeo again, I needed to stop making myself smaller. I had made myself as small as I possibly could in order to appease him, and it still wasn’t enough. I was done doing that. So I called him and I told him that. He was very upset, again, and asked me not to do anything with Jesse that night. I told him I wouldn’t. He asked if I could come say goodnight to him, and I agreed. Jesse and I drove over, and I went in to talk to Romeo for a few minutes. Before I left, he asked if I would stay and said that Jesse could stay too. Jesse agreed, and came up. We ended up having yet another hot night together, and this time Romeo let Jesse stay the night.

The next day, we spent time helping Jesse with an errand and I was able to have some alone time with him in the car, which was enjoyable. I could tell that Romeo was jealous, though he was trying not to show it. He even apologized to Jesse for all of the drama, and he was clearly putting in an effort to make things work with the three of us.

That night, though, we talked more and things broke down to the point where he once again said that he wasn’t comfortable seeing Jesse anymore and that he didn’t want me to either. I had some doubts about Jesse myself, as he was giving me quite a few red flags. In the moment, it felt good to give Romeo what he wanted and feel like a united front once again. Knowing that at least I could still be poly, I agreed that I would stop seeing Jesse, once again. The next day, I followed through on my word and let Jesse know what I’d decided. But I also told him I’d like to keep talking as friends, and he said he would like that as well.

Unfortunately, that was not what Romeo had in mind. He tried to respect it, but he was not happy. And even though he had said he would accept me being poly, he distanced himself emotionally from me, and he expressed some intense boundaries and changes for what he would be comfortable with in our relationship, if I chose to be poly. So many things were going to have to change, and they were things that I would respect because they were what he felt he needed. But the result was that our relationship was a shamble of what it once was. I was very sad about where we’d landed, and he tried to hide how sad he was about it as well. When he left my arms one night to go sob by himself in the living room, I followed him and held him. I couldn’t take it, knowing that I was doing something that was hurting him. I broke down and told him that we could be monogamous. I was willing to say anything to stop his pain.

After that, I knew I needed a few days to myself to process, so I went on a road trip to visit my parents for the weekend. During that time, I struggled with talking to Jesse without crossing any lines. My feelings for him were very strong. In addition, another guy who I’d connected with very strongly was someone who I’ll call Jonathan. I was chatting with him a lot that weekend as well, and I let my temptation get the best of me. Our chats left the friendship zone and rocketed into naughty territory. When I said goodnight to both Jesse and Jonathan, I felt bad that I had crossed the line, but also determined to be poly again. I felt like I truly did need it in order to be happy.

When I brought it up to Romeo the next day, he wasn’t angry. But he was resolute. At that point, he knew that he could not be poly, or be with me if I was poly. None of the boundaries he had recently expressed were enough anymore. He told me that I had to choose between him and poly. I respected that this was his choice, and I thought hard about what I would choose. Eventually, I decided that I would rather lose the part of me that is polyamorous by nature than lose my Romeo. I chose him.

In the week since then, I’ve continued to struggle with my decision. I ultimately did decide to stop talking to Jesse, because it was clear to me that continuing to have him in my life in any capacity would make it too difficult for me. But I decided to keep Jonathan as a friend, since he is much more respectful of boundaries and we have a good connection.

Those guys aside, choosing to give up my poly side has not been easy, and it still isn’t. Every day, I feel like I have a subconscious tally in my brain that is weighing my options. When Romeo does something that reminds me how much I love him and our life together, it adds to that side. When he does something that makes me feel frustrated with him and our life together, it adds to the other side. When I hear a meaningful quote in a TV show or movie or song, something that speaks to “being your true self” or “being free” or anything else that can apply to my situation, it adds to the poly side of the tally. When I hear something about enduring love and soul mates and other romantic or monogamous concepts, it adds to the Romeo side of the tally. The count just continues, day in and day out, and the score is never settled. It’s not something I’m doing on purpose; it’s just how I feel in my mind. This is not an easy or clearcut decision for me. I still don’t know what my future is going to be—although, nobody ever really does.

One of the things I’ve done to try to help sort through all of my feelings has been to redefine my core values, my relationship values, and my needs and wants in life. I’ve been trying to really dig in and figure out if giving up poly is violating my core values or relationship values, and if it’s a need or a want for me. I’ve done research on mono-poly relationships, trying to navigate these complex feelings.

In some ways, giving up something that I feel is an important part of myself, something that makes me feel alive and deeply me… that feels so very wrong. But I love Romeo more than words. I love our life together, and the future we have planned. I know that if I lost him, I would survive—because when he left me, I almost had to. But I also know that the pain of losing him would be immense. I don’t think I would ever stop missing him, and I suspect that I would regret it for the rest of my life if I did decide to say goodbye. Basically, no matter which path I take, I will have “what ifs” that will never be answered. I suppose that’s life, though.

Right now, I’m taking things one day at a time. I’m giving things time, and giving myself time to see if I can be happy in a monogamous relationship. If Romeo gets his way, it will be for the rest of our lives. I’m just hoping that in time, I can let go of these doubts so that his way is also one I can happily call mine.

No matter what I choose, I will always be polyamorous. It’s part of my identity and my sexual and romantic orientation. If I choose to live a monogamous lifestyle, that doesn’t change who I am. It only changes the configuration of my life and relationship(s). I have no ethical objections to consciously chosen monogamy, and if that is what I continue to choose, then I know I won’t feel like I’m violating my own moral code (though, some poly folx do feel that way about monogamy). If I continue to choose monogamy in order to continue my relationship with Romeo, I will do so knowing exactly why I’m making that choice. Because it’s Romeo or poly, and I have to make a decision that nobody should ever have to make.