This is a story of ups and downs.

Romeo and I have now been polyamorous (again) for over two months, although it feels like much longer. There have already been some fun times, and some AMAZING times, along with a good deal of disappointment and frustration. 

We have met up with six couples: Jackson and Norah, Jace and Kiley, Nick and Alison, Eli and Kacey, Lex and Kit, and Gabriel and Aria (these are all pseudonyms). We also have developed a long-distance poly friendship with a couple who I’ll call Benny and Clementine. The single guys we have met have included Ashton and Max, who both politely ended things with us; Blake, who ghosted us; and Richard. 

Jackson and Norah were a slow burn… or so we thought. As it turned out, there was no “burn,” just “slow.” After having our plans to hang out with them cancelled or shortened three times, because they had better things to do apparently, we decided that it was no longer worth our time or energy to invest in this “relationship.” Considering that after hanging out with them three times, Norah was still uncomfortable with even hugging us, we reached the point where it didn’t feel that there was any real interest on their end in building a connection. We decided to close the door on that and move on. 

Jace and Kiley are going strong. We text each other every day and have developed a fun and caring relationship with them. In the bedroom, things are easy and comfortable and enjoyable. I always look forward to seeing them. I have even started developing a crush on Jace, which was very unexpected for me! I can very easily separate sex and romance/loving feelings; while I do require an emotional connection to want to have sex with someone, having sex doesn’t always mean I will feel romantic or loving toward them. But with Jace, I have noticed myself feeling those little butterflies more and more. 

Nick and Alison are fun, but have friend-zoned us due to not knowing what they want out of poly in general right now. I also feel that they aren’t as interested in building a relationship (friendship, or otherwise) as we are because we seem to be the only ones who initiate conversations or try to make plans. Since we decided to leave the ball in their court, we have talked less and less and I wouldn’t be surprised if that fizzles out completely.

Eli and Kacey are a couple whom we’re very excited about. We have been talking to them for over a month and met up twice. They are the third couple that we became intimate with, and we were frankly blown away with the experience. I can already feel strong feelings developing! My only concern is that they may not want to hang out as often as we do, and they possibly may not want as deep of an emotional connection as me and Romeo desire. Neither of those things are deal-breakers, just considerations for setting our expectations. 

Lex and Kit are some of the most emotionally intelligent and mature people I have met—at least in our IRL interactions. We have become intimate with them, but it was a “soft” experience if you know what I mean. If you don’t know what I mean… well then Google “soft swap” and “full swap” and you will get the idea. 

With them, our physical connection was incredible. Kit is the first woman who has ever given me the feels, and I am very attracted to both of them. But, there is very little communication over text, and I don’t see a lot of motivation on their end to schedule time together. So that relationship is potentially going to be limited, but I will thoroughly enjoy every moment that I get with them. 

Benny and Clementine are wonderful, very sweet and pleasant to talk to. I developed a basically instantaneous emotional connection with Benny, and he has become very special to me in the short amount of time we’ve been talking. I’m sad that we live so far apart, and will never be regular parts of each others’ lives in person, but I very excited for the end of this month because we are going to get to meet in person. 

Richard is an older guy, by which I mean 53. Our age range is usually between 25 and 45, but we are open to exploring things with him because he’s given us all green flags and I like to stay open to a variety of people. We have met, but he hasn’t been to our house yet and I’m still not sure what events will transpire when he does come over. As of now, I have a hard time seeing him in a sexual way and I’m not sure if we would have any chemistry, but again, I am trying to stay open to possibilities. 

Blake was fun, easy to talk to, and one of the people I was most attracted to in our current explorations. We met in person and had him over, but it was a platonic getting-to-know-you type of hangout. It seemed like it went really well and we were all excited to meet up again—but then he ghosted us, and the worst part is that I have no idea why. That one sucked, but at least we weren’t too invested in him yet. 

Gabriel and Aria are brand new to us. We just started talking to them last week and met up with them last night. It was one of the most memorable experiences I’ve had because we basically had three dates in one. Originally we were just meeting for lunch, but afterwards we all had no other plans for the day and we decided to go back to their house and hang out for a bit, before doing an escape room. The escape room was an amazing bonding experience, especially because it was horror themed and we had to work together to “escape a serial killer.” Gabriel was amazing and did all of the scariest parts for us like a fucking superhero. Aria blew our minds with her brilliance. They had never done an escape room before, and they were just amazing. We were very impressed and it definitely made me even more attracted to them. 

After the escape room, we still wanted to hang out more, so they came over to our house and we chatted for a while before engaging in some same-room sexy time with our respective partners. We had a LOT of fun and we are looking forward to seeing them again. Our only concern with them is that they seem to be quite active in their individual poly explorations, and we can’t really know how seriously they take sexual safety in those other encounters. That being said, we’re not really ones to talk, so as long as we have good communication with them, I could see this relationship going places.  

In addition to those people whom we’ve met in person, we also have a good handful of people who we’re talking to online with the hope of making IRL connections. But despite having a pretty big list of poly people we’re talking to and/or dating, I have been feeling a lot of disappointment and frustration. I’m worried that we wont’t be able to find the kind of fulfilling relationship(s) that we’re hoping for. 

All we want is a couple who we are mutually attracted to, who we have fiery hot chemistry with, who are communicative and self-aware, and who are actually looking for a poly relationship in which we text and meet up often. Is that so much to ask?!

Well, yeah, it kind of seems that it is. 

My biggest fear in this is that after all this time of not being able to be poly, now I’m finally free… but it won’t matter because we can’t find a poly relationship that fully satisfies us.

Another factor that I didn’t expect is that I’m not sure that being individually poly (as in, dating separately instead of only together) is ever going to be in the cards. It feels wrong to pursue that knowing that Romeo won’t be able to have as much success if he tries to do the same. Men on dating apps get a fraction of the attention that women do, and most of the connections they do make don’t pan out. So even if I were able to find poly relationships that fulfilled me, I wouldn’t be able to be happy knowing that Romeo was having a much more disappointing experience. Yet, I will always yearn for the kind of one-on-one connections that I was able to experience when I had an independent poly lifestyle. 

I am afraid that being poly isn’t going to make me happy after all, simply because of the circumstances. Maybe it was silly to think that being poly would make me happy. Maybe there is nothing that will truly make me happy in this life. 

That being said, right now, I do feel pretty happy. We’ve had a good poly week and that has put me in good spirits. I have noticed a very close correlation with my emotional state and my poly relationships. When things are going well, I feel at peace with life and excited to be alive. When things aren’t going well, I start to feel depressed and hopeless. I believe that this has a lot to do with my ADHD, particularly the hyper-fixation on certain interests as well as emotions, as well as the trouble with emotional regulation.  

Poly will probably always include a lot of ups and downs, but one thing that makes it easier is having my Romeo beside me through it all. Our experiences together have brought us closer than ever, and I am very grateful for that.