This is a story of frustration.

Polyamory and ENM can be many things. It can be exciting, scary, confusing, overwhelming, joyful, heartbreaking, and invigorating. Sometimes, it can even be boring. But this go-around, I am finding that the primary feeling I am experiencing is frustration. 

I am poly-frustrated, y’all. 

I think one factor going into this is the increased complexity of dating as a couple. ENM is already a challenge for many reasons. You have to navigate communication, chemistry, emotions, sexual interests, sexual safety, logistics, and scheduling, amongst other things. When anyone involved is a parent, that adds additional challenges. And that’s just for those who date separately or are unpartnered. 

When you’re dating with your partner, you basically double the difficulty level. Now, not only do you have to have to match all of those factors above, but you both have to do it. If you’re a couple dating other couples, then you both have to match with both of them. 

What is the likelihood that four people are equally attracted to each other and have high levels of emotional intelligence, good communication skills, geographical proximity, compatible schedules, equally prudent standards for sexual safety, and interests that match? It can feel nearly impossible at times. Maybe it is impossible!

Right now, I feel like it is. 

We have one situation that is great, and we have established an emotional and physical connection with them… but neither of us feel the level of chemistry we really want to feel with them. 

We have another couple who we are very interested in and have invested our time and energy into building a friendship with… but one of them doesn’t seem interested in having a physical relationship, despite what they told us their intentions were. That one leaves me frustrated especially, because that guy is the only guy so far I really feel like I have a crush on. And I can’t do anything about it. 

Then there’s a couple with whom we are vibing fairly well over chat, but I am hesitant to get excited about them as a prospect until we’ve met and found out what their approach is going to be. The communication is somewhat lacking, leaving us to do a lot of guessing when it comes to expectations or logistics. 

We also have two separate guys, one of which we’ve met and really like—but he has a very busy life and isn’t a big texter. For me, being able to text each other frequently is an important part of a friendship, so I really am looking for ENM partners who are able and interested in maintaining our relationship in that way. 

The other guy is brand new, and we like him A LOT. That one is just a matter of waiting until we get the chance to meet him.

Today was frustrating, though, because I felt like I was striking out all day. Last night we had a date with Jackson and Norah that left us feeling pretty defeated. I lost a lot of my excitement for that relationship because I have very little confidence that it will ever progress into anything physical. So I woke up already in a low mood, and then very quickly found out that our date for tonight with Ashton would need to be postponed until next week. That bummed me out, of course.

Hoping to turn the day around, I checked with our date for tomorrow if they wanted to meet tonight instead, but they declined. Then I connected with the new guy, who I’ll call Max, and we immediately hit it off. I had a glimmer of hope that this day would hold something exciting after all… but, unsurprisingly, he couldn’t meet tonight. 

I don’t blame any of these people for things not going the way I’d hoped, to be clear. Nobody did anything wrong, except for a lack of clear communications around intentions in the case of Jackson and Norah. I was trying really hard to make plans for tonight, because I feel like that’s what I need to get out of my low mood right now. But that doesn’t mean everyone else is able to accommodate me, and I don’t hold that against them. 

Still, I am coming to terms with this poly journey being quite frustrating this time around. I am scared in a way that doing poly this way is not going to be successful or fun for us, because what we’re looking for is extremely specific (apparently) and hard to find. I am scared that we’re only going to find more and more frustration, and it will turn out that being poly again doesn’t bring me happiness because of that. I am scared that my ADHD brain is going to continue to hyper-focus on this goal, and that when success doesn’t come, I will fall into despair again.

I am scared that there’s nothing in this life that can fuel me for more than a few weeks, or months, before I crash and burn. I am scared that nothing will ever be enough for me and I will never be happy.

Yikes, amiright? 

So yeah, you could say that I am poly-frustrated and a bit over everything at the moment. But here’s to hoping that something good will come along soon and pull me out of this pit of blegh.