This is a story of pieces falling into place. 

The past few days have been strangely transformative. Over the last month or so, I’ve gone from ecstatic to miserable, then back again… and again and again. You may have noticed. 😂

But this feels different. 

Yeah, I know, I know. I’ve said that before. Poly be that way sometimes! Yet, I noticed a very specific shift that makes me think that this time, it means something. 

Let’s back it up. In my last post, I mentioned Jaime, Dakota, Wilbur, Richard, Gerry and Nadine, Jace and Kiley, and Danny. The shift that I noticed in the past couple of days is that for the first time, I want to start narrowing our polycule down. I want to focus on the connections that I enjoy the most.

As such, we’ve decided to move on from Danny and Jaime. As much as I think they are great guys, the timing hasn’t worked well for Jaime and the chemistry isn’t quite there with either of them. I was honestly bracing for a psychotic response when I let Danny know, because that’s what I’ve come to expect from a lot of men online. I was pleasantly surprised how respectful and cool he was about it. I always feel terrible rejecting people, so it’s a relief when they are able to take it well. 

Although he hasn’t reacted to my message yet, I don’t expect anything negative from Jaime. He is honestly one of the sweetest men I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know. I very much hope that he finds what he’s looking for, and that there will be no hard feelings between us. 

Our connections with Wilbur and Richard are both fading organically, and we’re okay with that. Wilbur is a truly great guy, and has unexpectedly good skills with the female body. Needless to say, we had a physically enjoyable time with him. But, once again, the chemistry isn’t quite there for me. With Richard, I have mixed feelings, because I know we’ll miss his energy but there’s still something missing for me. He’s fun and a wonderful person, but perhaps not a vital part of our polycule. 

Nothing has really changed with Dakota. I’m still slightly obsessed with him, but I’m also more comfortable now with the limited nature of our relationship due to his schedule and obligations. 

Jace and Kiley, unsurprisingly, are still amazing and I don’t see them going anywhere for the foreseeable future, which makes both of us very happy. 

Gerry and Nadine are officially going to be separate relationships in my mind because our interactions with them are more individualized. Nadine has a challenging schedule to work with, and as a result she isn’t often available to spend time with us. We do adore her, though, and look forward to the times we will get to see her. 

With Gerry, things have progressed a lot because he’s intentional about building something with us, and able to hang out more. He’s been spending some days at our house, working and just keeping us company, really. The emotional connection and friendship between him and Romeo has especially flourished, and I’ve started to feel some sparks with him of the romantic and sexual variety. 

Yesterday, we took our relationship from platonic to very-not-platonic. I was excited but nervous for that to happen, because I knew that based on who we’d come to know Gerry to be, he wouldn’t just have “basic” sex. We knew he’d be intentional about connecting with us on a deeper level. Knowing how powerful that had the potential to be made me a bit nervous! I wasn’t wrong about him, either. I can confidently say that our experience with him was the first time I would ever describe sex (with anyone other than Romeo) as making love. Just writing that gives me chills down my spine, in a very good way. 

Gerry is such a safe, kind, and loving person that it’s only natural we would develop this kind of relationship with him. He’s also HOT and really good with his… well, everything really (sexually speaking)! 

Since my last post, I’ve connected with more guys. Are we surprised? 

The three guys whom I feel optimistic about will have the pseudonyms Jonas, Kameron, and Jamey. 

Starting with Jonas… well, as I’m writing this I’m struggling a bit because on the one hand, he seems very sweet and I think he’s quite cute. But on the other hand, Kameron and Jamey are setting the bar so fucking high that I’m not sure I can justify exploring that relationship, given our limited time and energy. I suppose we’ll have to see how we feel in the next few days.

I would be more than satisfied with Jace & Kiley, Dakota, Gerry, Nadine, Kameron, and Jamey as our polycule. Seven is a lucky number, after all! And at least two of them are on a “once a month” (or even less) schedule. It would definitely be a full plate, but in the best way.

Let’s talk about Kameron and Jamey. I’m in trouble with these two, y’all. 

Oh, Kameron, where to start? 

Well, first of all, I’ll start with “hi!” because he is such an awesome person that he decided to read my blog, and I know he’ll be reading this. Hi Kameron. 😘

Besides that specific factor, he has so many other things going for him. He and his wife have a very similar dynamic to me and Romeo, and he has an incredibly insightful understanding of the feelings that married men in poly can experience. I believe that he and Romeo could provide really good support for each other, if that friendship is able to develop naturally. 

Kameron also has four kids, which means we can connect on the joys and struggles of parenting, not to mention how parenting interacts with navigating this lifestyle. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: DILFs are my kryptonite. 

Aside from being a good person and a hot dad, he’s also super compatible with what we’re looking for, at least on paper. He answered all my screening questions well, and he’s continued to be consistent over the few days that I’ve been talking with him so far. You may think that “a few days” is an incredibly low bar, but I’ve learned not to take even that for granted. 

Lastly, but of vital importance, is the level of attraction I feel for him. This is the one thing nobody can control, or sometimes even explain. The combination of attraction and chemistry is basically a magical force. You can’t force or control the magic, but when it’s there it’s, well, magical! With Kameron, I feel a very high level of attraction. He’s sexy AF, people. He’s definitely my type. And while we haven’t met yet, I feel hopeful that our chemistry in person will be just as good. 

The final guy I met, and the one who literally became the last guy I wanted to try to connect with on Feeld, is Jamey. There is something wildly poetic about him being the last one to make my search feel complete, because of his actual name and how similar it is to A) the name of the first guy I ever dated in poly and B) Romeo’s name. It’s like these names have marked significant chapters in my journey, and I can’t help but feel that this is the beginning of a chapter of simply sitting back and enjoying what we’ve found; our polycule.

Side note: I keep using the word “polycule,” and I want to take a moment to define that before I go on to gush about Jamey. 

A polycule is a polyamorous person’s network of romantic and/or sexual partners. They may or may not know each other, and each of those partners may have their own polycule as well. Polycules can change frequently, or remain stable for long periods of time, but mostly somewhere in between. 

I love this word for a few reasons. One is that I love labels. I know a lot of people feel the opposite, but for me, labels give organization and clarity to things. I love the label of polycule because it sets a different intention than just calling them “people you’re dating.” It suggests more close-knit and committed relationships. Commitment in this sense doesn’t mean you are obligated to anyone; it just means that you willingly have chosen to care for this person and be in their life at this time. 

Another reason I like using the word polycule is that it reflects my feelings of love for those people. Those feelings could be ranging anywhere from gentle affection, to fiery passion, to undying love–but they’re all still forms of love. People in my polycule are “mine” in some way; not that I own them, or even that they owe me anything. But I choose to claim them as my own because I treasure having them in my life. That could change at any time of course; I don’t use the word polycule to suggest a closed or static group. But at least for the time being, we have each other. 

That was a long sidebar. Now, back to Jamey.

Jamey is the person who was the fastest to ever get through my screening process. From the moment we connected online to the moment I decided I wanted to meet him, it was only a couple of hours. He is quite simply everything I have been looking for. 

I am so incredibly attracted to him, and when I had the opportunity to meet him in person the very next day, I confirmed that the chemistry is there and strong. I haven’t been this excited to have sex with someone since I met Romeo. I know it’s going to be mind-blowing, and not because he needs to have any remarkable skills but just because of who he is and how we’re starting to feel about each other. Just thinking about it makes my tummy do funny things, my heart beat faster, and my breathing to get heavier. It’s crazy. I love it. 

I also hate it because I’m scared. I know how quickly and easily things could go wrong. I know how disappointed I would feel if I found that this brand-new thing I have with Jamey is no different than the others, and if it falls apart the same way they all have. I was already starting to feel numb to anything positive because of all the negative I’ve experienced. If this one gets added to the pile, it’s going to take me down hard. 

The result of my fear is that I’m keeping myself from falling for him until we’ve passed my new benchmarks. We have to have been seeing each other for two weeks and have had sex at least twice before I will allow my heart to go there. Until then, I’m staying as guarded as I can. There’s only so much I can do to protect myself, because no matter how hard I try, I can’t make myself an emotionless robot. But I will do my best to keep my heart from breaking, again.