This is a story of having nothing left.

I feel shattered, y’all. I feel like the biggest idiot imaginable, like I can never trust anyone ever again, including myself. I feel embarrassed and hopeless.

Nothing has happened, really. But I know what is going to happen. I can see the warning signs already. I am almost never wrong about these things. 

Jamey came over last night and we had sex. It was a really mixed experience for me. All day we were building tension and I was so beyond excited for nighttime to come. I hadn’t felt that excited about someone in a long time. 

When he came over, he and Romeo spent some time bonding and getting elevated. This is not unusual for our nights with poly friends by any means, and I usually spend time tidying up or relaxing while I wait for them, since I don’t smoke. Last night, though, they were gone for 30 minutes and we only had about an hour and a half total to hang out, so I was feeling a bit annoyed about that. 

After they came inside, they had decided that the approach for the night was going to be to tease me. I like being teased, so I wasn’t complaining about it–at first. There is a fine line between teasing for pleasure and teasing for power. There came a point when I did not feel the teasing was for my pleasure anymore, but for them to feel powerful. I had been cuffed and blindfolded, which I enjoy, but their demands for submission were getting too extreme. I was told that if I moved at all or touched anyone without asking, I would have to wait longer to get what I wanted (which was to enjoy them both!). 

Finally, though, they relented and I was “allowed” to see and use my hands. The frustrating part about all of this was not only the emotional state it put me into (which I didn’t fully process until later), but also the amount of time that was spent on this part of the evening. We basically didn’t have any time left at that point, if we wanted to respect our predetermined stopping time so we could all go to bed at a reasonable hour. We decided to disregard the time, which I later regretted. 

For the rest of our time together, we did a lot of things that were on each of our “wish lists” for the night. While I enjoyed all of the activities, it didn’t feel like I was able to enjoy anything for long enough to really feel a lot of pleasure from it. It was sort of like jumping from one thing to the next, like we were checking off list items. 

Overall, we spent a lot of time focusing on Jamey, which is often how Romeo directs things to go. We both like making people feel good, so there was some enjoyment in this for me of course. However, my flow is usually that I like to focus on the other person to make them cum, and then I feel comfortable enough to let them focus on me and hopefully at least try to make me cum. But in this case, there was very little time given to my pleasure, it seemed. 

By the end of the night, I was feeling a bit disappointed. There had been so much buildup and the reality wasn’t what I’d hoped it would be. But what really pushed me over the edge into feeling truly bad about everything was when we were done with the sexual activities and wanted to cuddle. He seemed unenthusiastic at best, and that bonding time is really important to me. It’s called aftercare, and it matters. But it didn’t seem to matter to him. 

In addition to that, he also used that time to inform us that his schedule had suddenly gotten busier and he would only be able to see us maybe twice a month, instead of once or twice a week. (And remember, this had already happened with Dakota, so the fact that it was happening again was really a gut punch). 

I tried to get a sense of connection to him when he was leaving by kissing him goodnight, and the way he pulled me in made me feel slightly better. But the next morning (today), I knew that there had been a shift. I am hyper-aware of shifts in people’s communication and I could tell that he was more distant. Being busy is a factor, of course, but I know from experience that being busy won’t get in the way of connecting with someone you truly want to connect with, unless you let it. His shift was very obvious to me, and considering that it was immediately after we’d had sex (like so many guys before him at this point), I jumped straight to the worst conclusion. 

I ended up basically just asking him for reassurance that he wasn’t going anywhere, but he couldn’t give it to me. He said he needed to process how he feels. I know how this is going to end, because this is how it always ends. Guys just use me for sex and then throw me away. 

I feel broken. 

What else is there to say? 

Maybe in a few days I’ll post again from a better place. And while I somewhat envy that future version of me who fearlessly puts her heart on the line again and again… I also hate her. If things don’t change soon, she’s not going to survive. And I know that if she dies, a vital part of me is going to die with her.