This is a story about moving right along.

I was right about Jamey, let’s just start with that. We’re done. He was full of shit. 

In fact… yes, I think he just might be worthy of being the featured Bottom of the Barrel connection for this post! 

The last thing I wrote about Jamey was that our sexual encounter was a bit disappointing for me, and I felt him emotionally distancing himself immediately after. When I asked for reassurance the next day, he wouldn’t give me that. Later that day, we had a conversation.

But why tell you when you can just read it for yourself? 

He said that he needed to think about how he truly felt. Well, the next day, we chatted a bit and then he ended up telling me that the events from the previous day (my insecure feelings, presumably) were a turn off for him. 

I didn’t want to argue with him about whether or not he was emotionally distant. The point was, I asked for reassurance and he wouldn’t give me that. I told him how that was affecting me, but that I didn’t need to get into it, and he thanked me for not burdening him with my feelings. 

In the end, he felt that an 8/10 emotional connection shouldn’t include helping me feel better when I’m feeling sad or insecure. To him, being inside me wasn’t intimate enough to warrant this level of emotions, which he found to be too heavy, too soon. And I wholeheartedly disagree. The great irony in all of this is that he proved me right. He fucked me and then threw me away, which is exactly what I was afraid was happening, and why I was looking for reassurance.  

So anyway. Jamey, kindly go fuck yourself because you shouldn’t be fucking anyone else, that’s for damn sure. 

Although I was clearly feeling very broken after those events, as is reflected in my last post, I feel a lot better now. Romeo and Gerry are the main reasons for that, followed closely by Gerry’s wife Nadine and my best friend Benny. They surrounded me with comfort and love. They were angry on my behalf, and told me that Jamey was human garbage and that he couldn’t handle my magic. They made me feel like I wasn’t the crazy, needy girl that Jamey made me worry I was. They validated my feelings, and that made all the difference. 

And now, of course, I’m back at it. The hunt continues. 

I love that I feel so secure in my polycule as it stands right now. Jace and Kiley, Gerry, and Nadine are people I feel confident with. I’m not afraid that they’re going to abandon me. I feel the love from them, and that is an amazing feeling.

There are also the irregulars, who may or may not continue to be in our lives (Richard, Wilbur, and Dakota). Although to be honest, I would take one night with Dakota a year if that’s all he could manage! 🤣That boy is fine. 

I truly just feel that I need one more consistent connection. Something that can be more fiery, to put it simply. My current partners make me feel loved and attractive, and I feel the same about them. But I don’t feel an absolute fire in my belly when I think about them. I feel warmth and love and gratitude that they are in my life; and yes, desire too!  

I don’t like comparing people. I believe that in poly especially, comparison can be very damaging. Each relationship stands on its own, independent of the others. How I feel with one partner isn’t ever going to be the same as how I feel with another, and one is not better than another. They are all unique and special to me. 

That being said, I sometimes feel like I need to defend my reasons for wanting another partner. Maybe we can simplify it and just say this: I am very, very poly. 

In my current round of fishing, as I sometimes jokingly call it, I have pulled in quite a few fish. Please understand that I’m not trying to dehumanize these guys; they are real people and I don’t see them as anything less. But, there are a lot of them, and I am trying to choose the best match for myself (and Romeo) of course.

I have found that my standards are increasing since the debacle with Jamey, and the string of guys before him. I no longer respond to messages that don’t include the special phrase that I’ve put in my profile. I shut shit down immediately if I feel the slightest bit “off” about their vibe. I have much higher barriers to entry (pun intended) for taking relationships to the next level. I’m hoping that these measures will prevent me from having my heart broken again. 

Currently, I am talking to four men who I consider likely candidates for joining our polycule, including Kameron and Jonas. Kameron’s more of a slow-burn, firm foundation type of guy, and I appreciate that about him. Jonas is great, and we have plans to meet soon, but my main concern is finding out if there’s any chemistry. As for the other two, who are brand new to me, I have decided not to give them pseudonyms until I actually meet them. There’s only so many names I can use before I have to start resorting to things like Jaziel or Dario or Atticus, ya know? (Shoutout to Oliver. If you know you know. 😉)

I feel really good about all of them, actually, but I have learned the hard way to not get excited too quickly. Time will tell what happens with any of them!

One of my biggest anxieties is actually that I will have too many good options to choose from and I’ll have to cut off a potential relationship for the sole reason that I don’t have the time or energy to pursue them all. But, that’s probably an overly optimistic concern. Right now, I just want to build something with somebody who checks all of the boxes, and I’m hoping that one of these guys will.