You may be wondering what in the ever-loving hell is going on with that title. Not to worry, I will explain it shortly!
I mentioned Chase in my last post, and things have progressed since then enough for him to need his own post. He’s not my boyfriend– at least not officially, yet. He might not even be the kind to formally ask. For all I know he thinks of me as his girlfriend, but hasn’t said it yet. I should probably get clarity on that for my own sanity but… the fear of rejection is strong with this one.
Anywho. Labels aside, things are going really well with him. We’ve stayed over at each other’s house several times already, and spent hours and hours of time together. I feel so much less nervous around him than I did before. I feel much more myself around him, and I love that. We have a standing weekly time to see each other, so I never have to wonder when I will see him again.
On my side of things, the feelings are feeling. I’m playing it cool on the surface (mostly), but the reality is that I’m basically a puddle at his feet. He consumes a stupid amount of my thoughts. I feel downright deprived due to the fact that I can’t see him every fucking day. We both have lives, and other partners. But goddamnit if I don’t crave him like a bitch all day and night. (I’m not calling myself a bitch to be clear; the craving feeling is the bitch.)
I’m clearly in the NRE stage in which no amount of time feels like enough. And it’s made both worse and better by the fact that he doesn’t feel as strongly. Because on the one hand, it forces me to temper my feelings in an effort at self-preservation. But on the other hand, I would sell my left kidney for the sense of satisfaction and security that comes with knowing the other person is feeling it too.
As I said, my fear with him is way bigger than I want it to be. I suspect that what’s going on is that I sense there could be a really big love here, and I’m afraid to open myself up to it fully because I don’t have the confidence I would like to have that he will feel the same. I’m afraid that if I jump, he won’t be able to catch me. So I’m stuck standing on the edge of the cliff, wishing I could reach the beautiful meadow below. Yes, love is a beautiful meadow, okay? Just go with it.
I don’t have any reason to doubt him, if I only look at his actions. He is nothing but sweet, kind, affectionate, enjoyable to be around, and his passion in the bedroom leaves little doubt that he’s into me. (Must. Resist. Pun…. nope, I have to do it.) I can feel that he’s very deeply into me. *wink wink*
That being said, he’s also very emotionally mature and wants to be responsible with my feelings, which I appreciate. Does it feel great to hear the person you’re falling in love with tell you that they think your feelings are stronger than theirs? Absolutely not. Anything less than a declaration of eternal love wouldn’t feel great to me when I’m in this state, to be honest. But. I know it wasn’t a rejection. I know that he’s open to developing stronger feelings for me, and that he wants to. I just don’t know what he doesn’t know, which is whether or not that will happen.
I know as well as anybody that falling in love isn’t something we can control. I can (somewhat) stop myself from falling in love when I suspect or know the feelings won’t be reciprocated; but I certainly can’t make myself fall in love with someone, no matter how much I would like to. My fear is that he simply won’t be able to fall in love with me.
Some relationships in my past have been that way. Either their feelings were stronger than mine, or mine were stronger than theirs. It hurts either way. I know that the times of me pouring love into people who can’t love me back are over. I know that I don’t need to do that, because there are plenty of people in my life and probably still in my future who will love me the way I want to be, and I don’t need to settle for less.
In this case, however, I have absolutely zero sense of peace with the possibility of losing my relationship with him.
The thought of never kissing him again, never feeling his hands on me again, never hearing his sighs of contentment against my ear while I’m snuggled up against his chest again, never having the privilege of shoving my face into a shirt that smells like him… I hate those thoughts with every fiber of my being.
I know that I would heal and move on if I lost him, but I really really really don’t want to. I want to keep him. God please let me keep him.
As for the title, I was searching for a pet name to call him. Something like “babe” or “sweetie,” etc. I did some Googling and found a list of hundreds of ideas, including some downright ridiculous ones. One such suggestion was Grandmaster Yummy. The word “yummy” is actually quite perfect for him… but I probably won’t be calling him Grandmaster Yummy, regardless of how delicious he is. Perhaps Cutie McYummy isn’t out of the question, though?
So yup, that’s my update. Just me hanging out here on the precipice of either total destruction or the unparalleled joy of mutually falling in love. We have yet to see which it will be.
*smiles in “I’m totally fine, everything is fine, this is fine.”*