This is a story of pouring rain.

Have you ever heard the expression, “When it rains, it pours”? It basically means that something finally happened that you’ve been waiting for, but it ended up being more than you expected. An example would be if you were struggling to get a job offer after months of trying to find work, and then all of a sudden within a few days you got ten different job offers. For me, this is what’s happening in my poly life. Not the job offers–I don’t charge for my services! 😉 But it feels like it’s pouring rain in the sense that I was hoping to just find a good secondary relationship, and ended up moving toward a non-hierarchical relationship structure with an overwhelming number of partners. 

As is customary, I’ll start with an update on my relationship statuses. (Statusi? Stati?) 

Audrey and I are now just about at our three month-iversary. I’m still in love with her and often thank the gods and all of the forces in the universe for sending her to me. She has continued to be a safe person for me to find comfort and encouragement with when I need it. I do my best to be the same for her, because she deserves nothing but the best. Oh, and planting kisses all over her is one of my favorite activities. Along with making her laugh, staring into her eyes, luxuriating in the feeling of her touch, and waking up next to her… just to name a few things.

Chase is still my boyfriend (duh) and I feel that our relationship has continued to grow more strong and secure with each week that passes. One amazing thing that happened was us finally saying “I love you” to each other. Hearing those words from him is beyond wonderful. Because truly, he is as close to perfect as a man can get, in my experience. In fact, I have come to understand more about my fears with him, and why I was holding myself back at times. It was because I feel things with him that I almost never feel, and he’s basically perfect on top of that?! Yup, I’m ded. 

Simply put, Chase is an incredible partner who I feel incredible feelings with, and that is a precious thing in life. I was so terrified of doing the wrong thing and losing him. In the past, being too honest about my feelings has been too intense for many men. So from the start with Chase, I was extremely careful about what feelings I expressed to him, as well as when and how. I was filtering myself, and that instinct was only reinforced by the knowledge that he wasn’t sure about how strong his feelings for me could grow to be. He didn’t fall headfirst into love like I did; he walked into it very calmly and mindfully. I wanted to protect my heart as much as possible, especially when I wasn’t sure if he would or could follow me into love. 

Maybe his down-to-earth approach is, in itself, the reason that this relationship is healthier than my others have been in the past. It’s the first time that I felt super strong NRE but didn’t throw myself into it with reckless abandon. First of all, I logistically couldn’t because we don’t live close enough to see each other for many casual, quick visits. My schedule is very full, so I typically only am able to see him once or twice a week. To see him more, I would have to not do something else that is important to me– like spending time with my family or other partners, taking care of my responsibilities, or taking alone time for myself. I chose not to do that, and accept the time limitations on our relationship despite the urge to spend every waking moment with him. 

Second of all, as I said before, I didn’t want to get hurt. So, I didn’t allow myself to hyper-focus on him. I consciously chose not to spend all day texting him, or cyber-stalking him, or talking about him to everyone who would listen. Nope, I put a lid on it instead, and didn’t let the excitement of him take over my life. Even though I can’t control my thoughts, which are frequently about him, I can gently redirect them elsewhere when I need to, for the sake of balance. 

Having other partners whom I’m also excited about has been really good for me as well. I always have something to look forward to: the next time I get to spend with someone I love! I’m happy to get up in the morning for that, whether I’ll spend the day with Romeo, or with Audrey, or with Chase, I know that my day will have a lot of love in it; and when I get to spend time with one of my more casual and infrequent partners, that’s also special and fun. 

As a neurodivergent individual, novelty and change and variety are important things to keep me happy in life. One of my favorite things about polyamory is how it provides for that need so well. My serious partners right now are people with whom I hope to keep in my life forever. Some of them I am sure I will. My desire for long-term stability isn’t lessened or threatened by my desire for novelty. But that’s only true because I’m polyamorous, and that is so super fucking cool in my opinion! 

I’m not limited to one kind of relationship, with one person. My happiness is not dependent on any single individual, which makes it easier for me to adapt the level of investment of my time and emotions to suit each relationship as it develops. That is what helped me so much with keeping myself balanced with Chase, and it’s also what is allowing me to continue to explore other casual connections when the opportunities present themselves. As the title says, when it rains it pours, and oh my lord has it been pouring for me lately. 

You may remember a certain accidental-one-night-stand (I wish I could say he was the only one in that category, but there have been at least three that I can think of off the top of my head), who was featured in my darkly low post titled “This is a story of having nothing left” as well as the more resiliently energized post after that, “This is a story about moving right along.” His name is Jamey and my experience with him was bad enough that he became a member of my Bottom of the Barrel club.

Well, he contacted me recently to apologize. I’m a sucker for a good apology; I’m all about second chances and clearing the air and making beautiful things out of destruction. What can I say? It’s that Phoenix energy. As such, I was quick to offer a response of forgiveness and appreciation for his apology. From there, he asked if I would be interested in dating again and I said yes. I also made sure he was aware of everything I wrote in my posts about him, because I believe that full disclosure and transparency are of the utmost importance in any intimate relationship, and especially in ethical non-monogamy. He wasn’t upset about what I wrote, and said he understood why I felt how I did. To me, that was the green light I needed to give him another shot. 

Some people *cough, cough Audrey cough, cough* don’t understand why I would want to go out with him again, and perhaps you, reader, are in that same boat. It’s a fair thing to wonder about. The best way I can explain it is simply that I like him! I wouldn’t have had sex with him in the first place if I didn’t, and the fact of the matter is that he gives me… moths, I suppose you could say. Not quite butterflies, but still something fluttery in there. To some extent, most new connections with a reasonable level of attraction will do that for me, at least once or twice in the beginning (and yes, baby, I can feel that even if they kiss weirdly!). 

Perhaps the moths that Jamey gives me won’t last long, and he will no longer feel worth my time and energy. If that happens, I will gently let him go and move along. But if those moths thrive, or even start to change into something more? I wouldn’t want to miss out on that. At the very least, I’m having fun with him, and that is enough of a reason for me to keep dating him. Sure, he gets very little of my time because of my other priorities, but if that’s enough for him then I don’t see the harm!

If the situation with Jamey coming back into my life wasn’t enough, I’ve also had a new and unexpected development with a guy from my past. Our relationship was mostly platonic, but there was also flirting. I could never completely tell if it was just joking or indicative of real interest, because we never actually dated or kissed or anything. I was also pretty much always confused about how I felt about him, and whether I would want to cross that line if I had the opportunity. I’m going to give this guy the pseudonym Miles. 

Miles randomly texted me the other night, saying that he was in my neighborhood, and he asked if I wanted him to stop by so we could make out in the rain. (Yes, that’s what he actually said.) And this isn’t a shocking or unusual joke for him to make. But I’m a polyamorous slut (proudly so), and he knows that! So when a guy who I’m possibly into says shit like that, I legitimately consider it. I ultimately said he should stop by and I went outside to say hi. Honestly, I don’t even really remember how it happened but suddenly we were kissing, and then we were climbing into the back seat of his car and making out and getting very handsy very quickly. 

Moving at a fast pace doesn’t bother me whatsoever, as long as I’m into it of course, and I was very much into it. It was just so out of the blue and intense. I knew that it felt too impulsive to be a good idea to take it further right then and there. And I think I was definitely right about that now, because I haven’t gotten much clarity on what that was all about since then. I do know that I can’t quite stop thinking about it. I know that I want more. I know that I want to figure out what this is, and if it’s real. It was high-key mind-blowing to me how right it felt. I’m shook, to say the least. 

So uh yeah that’s where I’m at with that… and of course, if more things do happen with Miles, it will be quite the challenge to find time for him in my busy schedule. But I’ve always liked a challenge. 😉  

All of this is fun and exciting for me, but there is one drawback to this unplanned growing of my roster. Romeo and Audrey both struggle already with feeling like they don’t have as much of my time as they want to. I understand how they feel, and I care deeply about doing what I can, as one of their partners, to contribute to their happiness. However, for the first time in my life, really, I’m putting my needs and desires above those of others. Even writing that sentence was extremely uncomfortable for me! 

There are exceptions (many of them) of course. My children’s needs come before my own, and the needs of others that I’m responsible for come before my desires. Often times, my desires are affected by my partners’, and that’s a beautiful thing in my opinion. But I am trying very hard to leave behind the days when I would not do things that I wanted to do, or even needed to do, because of what someone else wanted for or from me. I cannot be the bottom priority of my own life anymore. I don’t deserve that. 

As such, I have found a balance that I feel comfortable with right now, and that is to give my three serious local partners two nights of the week each, and keep the final night to myself. There are also times during the day that I have set aside to spend with each of them, in some capacity or another (with my kids, out on a date, or even just eating breakfast together). On some weeks, I only see Chase once and the other night becomes a time when I can see a casual partner like Melanie or Gerry, or now Jamey or Miles. I have limited daytime on some weekends as well, which I can spend how I’d like. 

As is probably clear, my schedule doesn’t exactly have a lot of room for giving more time to anyone. To do so would require me to take away time from someone else, which would most naturally be one of my casual partners. And as much as I love Romeo and Audrey, I also know that my casual partners are an important part of my life as well. But I hate knowing that it hurts them to have less of my time than they would like. 

I am choosing to prioritize my own needs and desires, and that is such a hard thing for me to do. I can only hope that in time, Romeo will adjust to less time with me than he’s had in the past, and be able to make the most of the time we do have. I hope that Audrey will settle into a comfortable place with the amount of time that we have. That could involve her seeking out more partners, which of course I fully support!

A rain storm can be a magical thing. It can provide much-needed water to living things, allowing them to grow and thrive. It forces us to slow down and pay attention, making us stay more present. It can invoke a cozy and peaceful mood by encouraging us to rest. It can bring out a playful side of us that makes us want to dance in the rain and splash through puddles–especially if the rain is warm. Thunder and lightning are a captivating natural phenomenon. Truly, I love a good storm!  

But storms can also be a force for destruction. The rain and wind can wash and blow away things that we didn’t want to lose. It can damage the things that we have. It can cause power outages, flooding, and car accidents. Thunder can cause animals to panic, or be triggering to sufferers of PTSD. Lightning can spark fires or even kill. 

Yikes. 

Needless to say, I feel like I’m in a rainstorm in my poly life right now. I’m doing my best to keep it in the realm of “magical” rather than shifting toward “destructive.” I want to hold on to what I have, and continue to grow in love with all of my partners. I don’t want this downpour to cause damage, and I hope that it won’t. Ultimately, I can either hide from it and stay dry, or I can go outside, embrace the rain, and get soaked. I just hope that being super wet (tehehe… had to do it) doesn’t cause big problems for me, because being dry just isn’t as fun.