This is a story about a turtle race.

SO. Here’s how Project Butterflies is going, in a word: slowly. 

I have connected with perhaps twenty different men (and one non-binary person), and have had decent conversations with about a dozen of them. I’ve been on dates with three, have dates planned with two more, and have “started” to plan dates with two (meaning they asked me out, I told them when I was free, and they said they would let me know). But if I’m being honest? I just don’t know if any of these guys are what I set out to find, or if I’m just setting myself up for a slow parade of disappointment. 

Don’t get me wrong, there are a few guys I’ve connected with that I think are awesome, for what they are. Enzo is amazing— sweet, sexy, communicative, and fun. He’s a wonderful comet partner; he’s just not available for more of a commitment than that.  

Casey is in so many ways exactly what I wanted, except for the glaring issue of him not being ready for a relationship (and not being sure whether he would want to be in a poly relationship even when he does feel ready). But our chemistry is still fire, and neither of us is finding that easy to let it go. So we’re experimenting with a friends with benefits situation, but I’m proceeding cautiously in an attempt at protecting my heart. 

Of the other people I’m talking to, there are varying levels of compatibility. I’ve been visualizing this whole process as a turtle race, because it seems like every day a different “candidate” inches ahead of the others, yet movement is still very minimal overall. Since I’m not looking to come up with 12 new pseudonyms for guys that probably won’t be around for much longer, I’m going to give them turtle numbers instead. Welcome to the Turtle Race.

Turtle #1 started out with really good vibes in the chat. It was witty and flirty, and he edged even further ahead when I found out that he’s a parent (I have a soft spot for dads), and he sent me a current in-the-moment selfie, through which I confirmed my attraction to him. All was going well, and we attempted to schedule a time to meet a couple of times but it didn’t work out and we left things on “let’s check back in next week” over a week ago. Turtle #1 has stalled out.  

Turtle #2 started with great rapport as well, and he quickly offered to move off of the app and start texting, which I always appreciate. Our chat that night continued to be really fun, but the next morning he got super fucking weird. He started asking me strange sexual questions such as “do you only hook up with white guys?” and how big one of my lover’s dicks was. He also suggested several activities that I found uncomfortable due to the degrading approach he was taking. I told him it was too much, but he didn’t seem to get it until I said it a second time. At that point, there was very little he could do to change his fate as a dead turtle walking. And, naturally, he hasn’t done anything to even try. Turtle #2 is for all intents and purposes disqualified. 

Turtle #3 is a very sweet one. Our connection started out much more mellow than some of the others, but not necessarily in a bad way. He was very emotionally open and caring toward me right out of the gate, and I liked that about him. Nothing in particular has happened to slow this turtle down, except perhaps just running out of steam. He did ask me out and I gave him some days that would work and he said he would plan something, but things have petered out since then. I’m finding that I don’t feel super excited about this one, even though he seems so kind. We just don’t really have anything to talk about and that’s unfortunately not a great prognosis. Turtle #3 is slowing to a crawl. 

Turtle #4 is the most conventionally attractive of the turtles, which to be honest tends to be somewhat of a detractor for me. Guys who live in the gym and make their muscles their entire personality aren’t usually my type—but this turtle seemed unusually mature for being so well-manicured. Our conversation was really good and we spent a lot of time talking about our pets, which is always a green flag for me. Similarly to Turtle #2, the conversation got explicit pretty quickly, but unlike Turtle #2, the devilish direction of the chat was mutually desired with Turtle #4. There are some guys who give me the ick when they start to get sexty, because they take things too far, too fast, and often with the wrong tone. But in this case, it was the right vibe and I indulged in some casual sextual interaction. It was fun, but since then there hasn’t been as much to talk about, it seems. He hasn’t done anything to disqualify himself, and I wouldn’t say it’s impossible for him to make a comeback, but I also don’t foresee that happening. Turtle #4 is hanging back. 

Turtle #5 is hardly worth mentioning to be honest, but we did exchange numbers after a brief conversation. He was friendly and kind, and I saw enough potential to go with it. After a few texts, he stopped responding and I didn’t care enough to try again. Turtle #5 is essentially irrelevant. 

Turtle #6 is one I’ve spent a bit more time texting than the others. He’s been more responsive and proactive about continuing our conversation, which I appreciate. We’ve also shared a good deal of sextual interactions, and for a minute there he was actually in the lead. However, after him asking when we could meet and me giving him times that would work (you see the pattern?) he became much more noncommittal. I’m not sure what his intentions are, whether to just enjoy some digital flirtation or to actually meet IRL, but I do know that he’s no longer in the lead because of his yo-yo routine. Turtle #6 is falling behind. 

Turtle #7 is one with whom I actually have a confirmed date plan with. He’s also one of the higher ones on my attraction meter. He has sweet gentle nerd vibes thus far, which is definitely one of my types. The only issue with this turtle so far isn’t really an issue, but a lack of zest in our conversation. I’m not sure if we’ll have enough in common to maintain a good chat, and I suspect that texting all day isn’t really his style. That being said, I’m hopeful that the sparks will fly more in person. Turtle #7 is holding his ground. 

Turtle #8 started off with a substantial amount of very solid chatting, complete with fun vibes, flirtation, and good answers to important questions. He was definitely taking the lead for a while there, especially considering that I’m super attracted to him. He took a bit of a stumble when I suggested we take our chat off the app and move to text. This is a basic yet important step in the process of online dating, if you couldn’t already tell based on the sheer frequency with which I mention it. I considered it a stumble only because he just sort of… didn’t take me up on it. He didn’t say “no thanks, I’m not comfortable with that yet,” which I would have been respectful of. He just said that he didn’t mind chatting on the app at that stage. So, I left it at that, nbd. But our conversation has taken a significant dip in the past few days, suggesting to me that perhaps there was something he didn’t feel was a good match between us, and has decided to let it fizzle. Whatever the reason, he seems to be the biggest mystery right now, and my guess is as good as anyone’s as to whether he’ll pull ahead again or bow out. Turtle #8 is the current wild card in this race. 

Turtle #9 is one with whom I also have a date scheduled. (Both Turtles #7 and #9 have planned casual coffee dates with me, nothing elaborate but a good way to get to know each other in person). We’ve had some fun and flirty rapport thus far, and he’s shown initiative in getting to know me. My biggest concern with him is a potential lack of attraction, as his profile pictures aren’t the best. I will definitely be requesting a selfie before we actually meet up, and hopefully that will also give me clarity on whether I feel like I could be into him or not. Turtle #9 is still a contender, although perhaps taking the classic “slow and steady” approach. 

Turtle #10 is a brand new entrant into the race (as is Turtle #11). He started off with a bang by going straight into the silly banter, then smoothly transitioning into sharing some more personal information, and continuing that momentum to bring some light yet effective flirtation into the mix. Lather, rinse, and repeat that cycle a few times and you’ve got one of the current leading turtles in this race. Oh, and he’s super adorable so there’s that. Turtle #10 is amongst the lead. 

Turtle #11 is also new, and also started off supremely well. This one was almost more like instant bestie vibes at first, but then he said some stuff that made my tummy do things it doesn’t typically do for my besties. There were also a strange number of mind-reading moments and wild coincidences that made it feel something like kismet. So yes, he’s up high on the leaderboard as well, BUT one very unfortunate detractor which I really shouldn’t ignore but seem to be struggling not to is: he’s another Casey situation all over again. He is only looking for FWB type relationships. And I already have one FWB that I would much rather be in a real romantic relationship with! I don’t need two. To paint a visual, I would say that Turtle #11 has managed to launch himself into the air and is now sailing haphazardly toward the finish line, but he’s not really racing since he’s not even on the ground, so nobody knows whether to count it if he crosses first. I do not know what to do with Turtle #11. 

Finally, we have Turtle #12. And if you think you’re tired of counting turtles, just imagine my exhaustion. 

Turtle #12 is actually a non-binary person whom I am considering the dark horse of this turtle race. Or should I say the dark turtle? In any case, they actually connected with me early on, somewhere in the range of Turtles #2-#4, and I really liked them but was feeling pretty strong platonic vibes. That is until today, when out of nowhere they decided to send me a voice memo. Anybody who knows what I’m like when I’m dating knows that a voice memo is one of my weaknesses. There’s something more intimate and vulnerable about voice memos instead of or in addition to texts. I happen to have a thing for voices, so it doesn’t hurt to hear the voice of someone I’m interested in and let that drive further attraction on my end. A sexy voice will get me every time. 

There was nothing inherently flirty about the voice memo, but the way that they spoke and their laugh and the story that they told was all very magnetic to me. So now I have a little crush on Turtle #12, and that combined with the previous days of quality conversation *and* some very key interests we have in common, definitely puts them up near the front of the line. Turtle #12 is coming in hot. 

As you can see, there are still some positive prospects in the turtle race, but my overall feeling is still pretty bleak. That’s because none of these connections really feels like the start of what a Project Butterflies Success Story should feel like. It should be all gas and no brakes, right? Or maybe that’s just unrealistic at this point. I don’t know what to think anymore. 

There’s also the part of me that wonders if Project Butterflies should just be taken out back and shot instead. Because maybe it’s just not meant to be. Maybe I should just appreciate my current relationships for the things I love about them, and enjoy the handful of casual partners I’ve found from this little experiment, and call it a day. 

Because maybe, just maybe, I need to accept the fact that my heart will never be satisfied— no matter how many turtles I throw onto the track. (Side note, I would never throw a turtle. Just saying.)