Tonight, Calvin broke up with me. I saw it coming, and even in a small way hoped he’d end things because I liked him too much to do it myself, but I knew it would make my life simpler. Yet it still surprised me, and what surprised me even more was that it still hurt.
Rejection sucks. There’s no way around it. Maybe other people handle it better than I do, but for me it’s a very sensitive subject. I’ve experienced a lot of rejection from the opposite sex as a teenager and now again as a poly adult. As a teenager, I didn’t get romantic attention from many people, let alone from the people I was attracted to. The one time that it did happen, I later learned that he was only interested in me for sex, and was rejected as soon as he realized I wasn’t ready for that. Fortunately, I met my husband very early in life, and once I had him I thought I would never have to face that kind of rejection again.
When I started my poly journey, one thing I was really excited about was the opportunity to date. It was something I thought I would never have, since I got married so young. And dating has been really, really fun! But, it has also caused me to once again wade through the hurt that comes with rejection.
I’ve dated a lot of men in the past twelve weeks, and I have been rejected by quite a few of them. In fact, ten of the guys I’ve dated or spent significant time talking to have rejected me in some way since I became poly. A couple of those were quite painful, but most of them were not as big of a deal to me. But even the ones that weren’t a big deal hurt to a degree, because rejection never feels good (at least not to me!). It’s not usually about the person specifically or the relationship, but about the fact that they didn’t like me enough to want to continue to date me. And that hurts. It makes me question what’s wrong with me, or what it is about me that wasn’t good enough for them.
In the case of Calvin, I am sad about the relationship ending as well as the sting of rejection. I really enjoyed our time together, and I thought he did as well. He didn’t give me a reason for why he didn’t want to continue seeing me, and he wasn’t unkind in any way about it, but I still will always wonder what went wrong, and if there’s something about me that makes guys just lose interest so quickly.
Mostly, the place my mind goes with this is that Romeo might be next. Yes, we’re madly in love, but I’ve had guys say some very convincing things in the past about their feelings for me, only to turn around and change their minds later. With Romeo, there’s such a deeper level of trust and love between us than I’ve ever experienced, other than in my marriage. So I don’t rationally think or believe this will ever happen with him. But my fear-brain still whispers stupid things to me, and it’s hard to completely ignore. After all, we are all only human, and sometimes we do change our minds or our feelings or circumstances change. What if Romeo gets bored with me in time, and our love fades away? It’s a terrifying thought, and I hate that I keep having it because everything in front of me says that I have nothing to worry about.
Regardless of having my confidence shaken by being dumped tonight, I’m also just plain sad about not being able to see Calvin anymore. He’s a really sweet guy and we made a lot of good memories in our time together. I loved talking to him, the silly banter we developed, and the snuggles with him on the couch. I will miss him, and I’m sad that not only is our relationship over so suddenly, but we apparently aren’t going to attempt to stay friends. Just like that, he’s gone from someone I talked to every day (granted, less and less the past couple weeks), to out of my life forever. It’s sad, and I feel hurt by it.
But, the truth is, my heart is with someone else. What I could offer to Calvin was more of a friendship than a romantic relationship at this point, because all of my romantic and sexual energy is being poured into the fire that’s blazing with Romeo.
And so, now there are only two. My Hubby. And my Romeo. And if we’re being honest, between the two of them, I have everything I could ever need.